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Yo I realize I said GLOB… but oh well.. it was free, and The joint wouldn’t let me fix it.. So flow with the general idea or don’t

I’ve got a new spot that I vibe, I find it to be a more cathartic freeing release.. I will be back here every now and then. But there comes a point where you move forward or get rolled the fuck over..
And well I am not in the mood to be flattened.

Hollerrrrrr

/

your recipe is only as strong as the ingredients

i fuck myself every night
wishing it was you
that replaced my fingers
deep in the cushion
with yours
turning off the mechanical
monotony
of my
promiscuous mind
allowing for
room to
settle into the comforts
of what it means to
be at home
even though i've
realized that
i can't be
holding onto you
in this space
at this time

how strange it be
that the same things
that give me peace
don't
not when fifty fifty
is reduced to 20
forty
and that isn't even
the whole of the
eqaution

the photo isn't under my
desk its still in the wallet

maybe in another time and place
it would have made sense

but i guess now it don't

i never heard back from you
when i last typed

so i figure what is the use



sis.do.wh.at.you.got.ta do.to keep.the.j.o.....nes hot.
cause
you got it

i am just wondering why.. i am the cause of it all
i am the inconsistant one.. right

ok..

holla
i'mout

if you care to know the where abouts

e me


if not

peace

i am out.. hollaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-- done, gone with the wind.. peace finito roger that. over and out

was just a word
with sound
and
one
indistinguishable
sylable

sound is a tap dance on
decibles staggered
spaced like fake ass
niggas
making their
untimely presense
at yo' funeral

perpin' the realness
but didn't even study
the text
and continue to
review

four
and three quater
stars for
your performance

i write this
because it
is cathartic
to the soul

i
gotta
purge the
shit
that
continues to boggle
my mind

like letters dropped
on a board
spelling only one
word
and you couldn't pass
so
that became your answer

you drop beats
expecting me to croon
like the others
that turn up their
miracle ears
to BLAST
only to percieve
that it was spoken
with a higher
place in mind

got that?
percieve

somwhere between
that heaven
and hellish
ass sound
that comes
from down
deep
but sounds sexy
as shit

when the air
fucks it

yall know how people put on that fake ass sexy voice.. knowing it really sounds like the devils spawn somewhere deep in there sorta like the one you would hear immediately after waking up, before the toothpaste hit the brush, and before they packed it pretty and sold it to your ass as a hot mixtape, probably for some of your most pricless shit. three or four of your main
arteries
which in turn
taxed your heart

you is a beat looking
for the loudest amp

and i hope she is plugged in
and surge protected
cause affairs of the heart
can produce palpatations

i recommend taking one pill daily to
reduce the risk of falling hard for a pretty ass hype
minus

the williams

roy ayers said it best


IT AIN'T YOUR SIGN, IT'S YOUR MIND

my sister is coming home for my moms b day.. i wonder what the weekend will bring.

it is hot in here, and i have the windows open,

last night i heard a siren of some sort going full speed down the highway. i thought hard for what was to be at the destination, and i am all hopes that it wasn't too bad. somebody asked me to pray for them, but i find it kind of hard to do, when i don't necessarily "pray" i guess what i do has no names, i find that when you label it, it is sort of pigeon holed, and then ... well thats what you are.. so i said my few words, and hopefully it will come out right..

but the fresh air, allows you to wake up better, to feel better, to percieve...and to touch..

there is nothing like sleeping with the windows open
and waking up to the breeze and the morning sounds
dancing on the tip of your delicious
close enough for me to breathe them in
and take heed
for the rules have been
set
to the tone of the winds
whistle
so i mimic

:pursing lips to let out sound:

elle

liquid soul

so i am sitting here, listening to liquid soul radio stream, and what do i hear but d'angelo's Africa and i dig that joint so hard, so i am vibing like shit dood.

and then the telephone rings, its baby t, seeing wassup with me.. nuthin girl. chillin like shiiiiiet

i watched pi again tonight. very intelligent film.. i say you check it out,,



elle
now to trainspotting

to my p did

lmao

girl imma pray for that toe
and you as a matter of fact
since you are out funnin,
all around the town

just hope you got some colorful mints handy

love your ellelee brown

because i don't believe you

when you say that you are a revolutionary
feeding your pockets
getting stock tips from
martha
i always knew you were an insider

for the OTHER SIDE

provider
lier
mother fuck
that
and yeah
right

you are full of the
shit that runs
from my constipated
ass

slow & infrequent

baaaaaaaawwahahaha.. i love it .. cause i could care less what people you think

out of touch

the lil' one called me and cursed me out, trying to figure out why the fuck i haven't called, she MOVED, and is on good terms with dum dum, although, he has yet to prove himself to her, and for real this time

p has called to curse me out, lightly, asking where i have been, tellin' me of the goings on, that i have missed/have yet to hear about

i talked to j dig, for a moment on one of those messenger thangs, though i have yet to hear her voice, in i don't know how long, it almost feels as though we are on haitus, but this time not of our own devices, well kinda sorta, telephone drama, but mine is back on, a new joint.

threeohwonfivethreefiveseventyfo'seventytwo

random "power for the course"

if only it would stop crumbling
before the foundation
had a chance to
settle
down
child before you
go stirring things
up
again

ms yak

that carmel apple cider
wit' soy






was
BANGIN"

clam diggers

isn't it CUTE! lol

listening to john lennon, bootsie, and mr ayers, how bout that vinyl

kinda small. very small.. oh well, it may not serve the purpose, but it serves A purpose.

i am tired

peace

ps.. finished the shawl tonight, my back is killin me, i was sitting up in the spot with out of all peoples, the chess club.. lmao, they was hitting those timers back and forth, and i was tickin and tackin. shawl done, whoooo hooo, my momma likes it, her eyes sort of lit up. next time i make one, it will work with the big gul, cause now i want one, but it gotta work with me

oh yeah word to the wise, don't drink the nasty ass carmel apple cider latte, it smells and looks loverly, but a take a closer look and it is green, it is like hot ass apple cider mixed with espresso, i was thinking it had some type of apple flavoring in the latte, but that shit was straight apple cider with like a half shot of espresso, and whipped cream nasty shit i tell you..

peace yall

the hookup

i got this really cute shirt today, kinda off the shoulders, very cute.. shoes for work, and a pair of converse type boot things.. so we went to the grocery and this dude is straight staring me down, so my mom gets all up in his line, all up in his face and she keeps calling me over there, so i was like i am like mom, dood, i am chillin'.. so finally she is done with her order, and dood is still staring, when she leans in, and goes "well danielle, don't you see him looking at you, i am trying to give you the hookup" when i replyed who cares, she looked at me like oh yeah i forgot you were my lesbian daughter. i am like damn, when you find a cute, nice, girl, then i will think about it, but i shall not entertain the constant attempts at "the hookup," especially when you know that, i am not interested in that kind of hookup any damn way.

blah

as j said.. "she can dream can't she"

driving ms daisy

i am taking my grand mom and my mom shopping. oh the joy of driving people that think that you can't drive.


toodle loo

honestly

there are times that i can't help but question you
shit i question me
but
this is when i realize
that maybe i wasn't wrong
for stepping out on things
deciding to walk along the uncertainties,
in essense
pulling myself out before my head
was leveled
by my urge to jump
in upside down
i know that she still loves you
i deduce this from
haikus on sunday mornings

to my once friend

i will call you the memento man


do you realize that you are
indeed the protagonist
in your own disoriented
reality
beckoning for me to
remember sammy jankis
when it is you who has

forgotten

aww damn

i am a sucka for sad movies, and happy ones
and i am sitting here watching antwone fisher

and well it has me all teared up

all teared up
i can still hear the cow bells

trading spaces 100 grand

how did those lucky suckas get to be on the one hundred grand episode.. i must admit that i think they should have divided the money out a little better, maybe like 5 grand to multiple people... considering they do some nice designs with a thousand. more people would have gotten better decorations, because some of those designs are crap.. and lets hope that frank is nowhere near the houses, because i would hate to see how many whimsical things he could paint on the walls with 1 hundred g's.

but then again, this is the day of reality television, in marraige with the game show (think while you were out, with the three questions, to win the biggest prizes in the room) And nowadays everyone is trying to out do the next, considering all of the new home decorating shows attracting the younger, more hip crowd, and even the kids, i guess you gotta keep up with the joneses.

they better decorate the whole house, no one room garBAGE, no over the top crazy stuff, and it better be bangin'

peace
elle

on with the

on the crafty front

i have not dedicated myself to anything else besides, my moms shawl, which will be done by tomorrow, or shall i change that, the yarn that i purchashed will be gone by tomorrow, or late tonight, i am nott sure if it will do or not. it has gotten much bigger that the picture below, but i am still thinking that with one more skein, and about a fourth left, i am going to need to get some more.

my next project will be something else knit, and some cute crochet scarves, similar to the ones i made last year.

so i will be back later with some thangs to post, but now i must concentrate on the shawl

ps.. does any one have any ideas, of how i can finish off the shawl, blocking etc, or any cleaning suggestions, would dry cleaning be a good idea, since it sheds, alot?

peace and love
elle

clearer more detailed picture of colors involved in the scarf

i like the creative vibes, that my extra full room brings, with just the right amount of light, incense burning, and candles flickering, it has that peaceful feeling that i feel comfortable creating in.

unconcious mutterings

1. Coat:: pea
   
2. Allowance:: monthly
   
3. Mist:: fine
   
4. Disorder:: eating
   
5. Scheme:: color
   
6. Dick:: moby
   
7. Homework:: ugh
   
8. Milton:: bradley
   
9. Shampoo:: peppermint
   
10. Z::zzZZzzZZzzz...
    

friday five @ saturday three15

1. What vehicle do you drive?

2001 ford escape, got it the same day i officially went natural, chopped it all off, with one inch to spare, got some gel twists, and went straight to the dealership 10 days after my 20th birthday (i got into a car accident 10 days before my 20th birthday)

2. How long have you had it?

since april 27th 2001

3. What is the coolest feature on your vehicle?

urm.. power everything, 6 disk cd changer, leather interior, but no really cool features, except i am the one which probably annoys you riding down the street, because the cd player stays full, and the volume is all the way up

4. What is the most annoying thing about your vehicle?

it is always junky, no fault of my vehicle, i am was a lazy ass mofo, i will leave stuff in there, like if i go shopping, or like shoes, or bags, just extra stuff that piles up after time, just ask syol, "is that a clothes basket in your back seat" or p "i am used to it now girl" it was quite bad, but i am the proud owner of a clean escape now!!!

5. If money were no object, what vehicle would you be driving right now?

the one that i have, but it would be paid off. and i would have free gas, and oil changes, because 22 dollars to fill up and 50 for the oil change is gettin on my nerves, but i think those mini coopers are kinda cute, its just that i am not a mini girl :^) give me a mans truck.. i got the child of SUV's, i want the great grand daddy--nah i am cool, it takes me where i am going

pea soup hat, and new wool

hat and wristband set finished today started in the wee hours,

new wool very small amount, not enough for a hat, so i will make some type of change purse or something

quoteables

freedom is a daily neceaaity like water, and we love most loyally and longest those who allow us at least occasionally to vanish and wander the curious night
------marge peircy

love, i find is like singing, everybody can do enough to satisfy themselves, though it may not impress the neighbors as being very much
------zora neale hurston

....the personal life deeply lived always expands into truthes beyond itself
------anais nin

life shrinks or expands in proportion with one's courage
------anais nin

freeing yourself was one thing; claiming ownership of that freed self was another
------toni morrison

she breathed in and out, her body a mere shelter for the mating of unfathomable will to unfathomable possibility
------gloria naylor

a great love is an absolute isolation and an absolute absorption
------ouida

love like poetry , is a kind of homesickness, the kind which made midevil monks sleep in their coffins.
------jennifer stone

it is hotter than a muh.. in here

my right eye has got some serious problems.. i think it is because i crochet too much, and it tries to keep up with the movement of the fingers.. but it ends up getting lost along the way, and well, i think it is broke.. it wont focus on shit.. i'm like damn i need this joint for the rest of my life. which reminds me of my uncle that i love dearly, (rest his soul) but anyway, he used to joke with me, after he lost his eye, that we were going to roll it down the table at christmas.. garbage pail kids style.. cause well, we used to be buggin'.. but well needless to say it never happened, cause he got sick when i was in alaska for the summer, and i never saw him again, but his soul is ever present in the daily.. yanno.

last night, i was going to sleep, and i kept waking up.. gawt dammit. shit be buggin me out.

so i woke up this morning to the tree people finally taking away those trees that have been in the middle of the cul-de-sac, since they fell down, like a week or something ago, i was starting to think that they were going to be there forever.. today was pretty chill

called the lady about training for the J-O-B she told me that it might be out of town somewhere, paid erry-thang, so i am happily packing my damn bag right now

i got a bit done on the moms shawl, which reminds me that she told me that she is through with me.. i swear hot and cold baby hot and cold. so i am l like ok.. whatever.. cause this shit is so predictable.


i made a beeline to the door and rolled.
library, to pick up this book, and use the lab for a minute, when i look up, and no lie, this lady is staring me right in my damn face, cheesin' ( i mean do i got a booger on my chin or what?) so i smile, to acknowledge her, but she keeps staring, and it creeped me out so i rolled (not before i went to the bathroom to check though)

i am driving down the street and this man in a jeep wearing a big ass winter coat and some big insu-fucking-lated gloves, is driving down the street, with out his plastic windows in, and all i could think of was what an oxyMORON

so i am sitting at this table, at borders typing on my computer, listening to music, and knitting the shawl, and these ladies come up to me like "we have have been wathing you for awhile, and we just wanted to know what you were making, so i told them, and they touched and oooooooh-ed, and aaaaaaaaaaah-ed for a minute. and said that my mom would surely love it.. when one lady was like "do you give lessons, " i replied that i was hardly good enough to divvy out the lesson plans, and she smiled, and when the conversation was over,i put my headphones back in, and started knitting again, and get this "THEIR asses WOULD NOT LEAVE," they started carrying on their own conversation circled around my table about how their husband would not let them paint.. clearly not directing at me, so why were they breathing on my neck.. talk about invading my public-personal space.. a violation in the highest degree.

made a green kufi kinda thingy

and finished some more of the shawl

and started on this green hat
that reminds me of the split pea soup they used to give us in private school..

i had a dream

kevin was walking around with a big ass chain on, he had his shirt unbuttoned to his belly button, instead of his polyester patched elbow suit.. lmao and i tell you that shit was a big gigantic improvement..

ah.. these damn people i know.. i tell ya

i said clawd-haf-mercy on my soul

i think meshell ndegeocello is the most beautiful woman in the world.

pun intended.............not really

taking a break from moms shawl, i completed this hat and wristband set, it was getting a tad bit too monotonus, if ya know what i mean.



talked to my pd also known as my othamotha, its funny cause she has some great insight on the person that i beez.. she sees all the overanalyzations first hand, and she is just plain down to earth. she told me that i just gotta let go of whatever it is that i am struggling with and get into the "chocolate elleleebrown" of which i corrected her, i may be elleleebrowncrayon but not a damn chocolate elleleebrown..l anywhosy, i shouldn't be up at 3 am, but i always am, cause i can never sleep. and in the back ground there is an infomercial playing on the boob tube, but in the speakers are songs and the commodores are speaking to me of sweet love. my back is hurting in need of a massage, bur i am not getting one, so i am about to massage myself into my covers, and get some shut eye

start of the shawl

we'll see what it looks like..

my dad says my mom will love it

i dunno. yet

j diggy

sorry i haven't been able to contact you

as you may know the telephone has died of a natural death

but i hope everything is going okay on your end, and you are ok

imma e mail ya

love elleleebrownskin

silk and winder

totally off the subject, but sometimes i think that wade robeson is a convulser disguised as a dancer, i mean have you watched the show.. i am not saying that he can't dance, because i know my ass can't.. but alot of the times, his popping and locking looks like it is on some ADD, i mean he does nice videos and stuff, don't get me wrong, but some of it is a tad bit interesting.

the sharon orbourne of it all

so my dad comes to me and tells me that i absolutely must make him a copy of tomorrows sharon osbourne show... because "she is the best talk show host, because she is the best" in his most endearing voice. as my mom sits there combs her hair all wild, and asks us who she looks like.. me looking at her, as if she looks like the crazy woman who combed her hair crazy

she hints "butchie it is your new girlfriends daughter"

and that is when it came to me for real they are sick... SHE THOUGHT she looked like kelly osbourne... NO NO NO

anyways.. on with the silk/winder

i was treated to borders

what were they thinking

i got the new issue of ms and one world

and the book role call a generational anthology of social & political black literature & art third world press feb 2002.. at a whopping 5 dollars, i would say a steal for an anthology of beautiful black works.

they had some journals 75 percent off, that were covered with silk, kinda nice, but i got my eye on the large spiral bound lined journal...

you're beautiful though

those words ring in my minds ears, because she told me that today

wow.. it was just by chance that i got in contact with you today, it never happens i am thinking it was meant to happen that way

so i am coming to terms with the excavation and exploration of the dig site, once called our love
and i think i will call this project

understanding the understanding of it all, which is overstanding to some.

because i'm finding that your love is totally understanding

so when you get back up here

we gonna do our thizzle..



BROWNCRAYON5 [3:01 PM]: hey

k87 [3:01 PM]: how you doin
k87 [3:01 PM]: i'm comin next thursday to dc for the howard homecoming game
BROWNCRAYON5 [3:01 PM]: i dunno..
k87 [3:01 PM]: they're playing famu
k87 [3:02 PM]: my mom's already in delaware
BROWNCRAYON5 [3:02 PM]: really, she like it alright?

k87 [3:02 PM]: yeah
BROWNCRAYON5 [3:03 PM]: :)

k87 [3:03 PM]: i'll be there next week
k87 [3:03 PM]: sga is taking a bus or two or three for all students who wanna go
BROWNCRAYON5 [3:04 PM]: ok.. maybe we can meet up

k87 [3:05 PM]: yes we have to..i don't know where we're staying yet
BROWNCRAYON5 [3:05 PM]: ok.
k87 [3:06 PM]: so how have you been
k87 [3:07 PM]: what time is it
ky87 [3:07 PM]: my clock is off on here
BROWNCRAYON5 [3:07 PM]: confused. trying not to let my self take over myself.. renee there is a lot of shit i need to change .. and it is a hard process.. one being doubt.. 307

k87 [3:07 PM]: doubt in what?
k87 [3:07 PM]: confused about what?
BROWNCRAYON5 [3:08 PM]: in myself.. in others.. confused about what the fuck i am doing. i dunno.. its just a mind fuck of a time being me

k87 [3:09 PM]: what's happened since we last spoke
BROWNCRAYON5 [3:11 PM]: well, i don't have my phone anymore..but that is no biggie, cause i was getting a new one anyway.. i have just had time to think about me, and shit i got to change and it was overwhelming.

k87 [3:12 PM]: everything is apart of growing and growth poocesses...your situation happened for a reason
k87 [3:12 PM]: change can be overwhelming
k87 [3:12 PM]: i was an emotional wreck last sunday night
BROWNCRAYON5 [3:12 PM]: is overwhelming.. sometimes i wonder why people even fuck with me dood, its like my shit isn't perfect, . i know if happened for a reason, but dood i am scared.
BROWNCRAYON5 [3:13 PM]: i feel bad for shit i have done.. to myself and others for being an insecure ass person

k87 [3:14 PM]: you shouldn't...you recognize your time of growth and that's what's scaring b/c you have to leave you comfort zone
BROWNCRAYON5 [3:15 PM]: which is no ones fault but my own.. i sit here and i think of what the fuck i can go out and do, but me sitting here overrides that shit cause i am fucking insecure.. i just feel bad that i have put people in it that i care about.. you, and others.. but dood i never wanted to stop building with you.. you opened shit in me that i was and still am trying to come to tems with in myself and i left you hangin

BROWNCRAYON5 [3:16 PM]: i posted something for you but i deleted it.. because i wasn't sure of what the reaction would be.. but renee it is on my page..
k87 [3:16 PM]: danielle i'm cool.....i will always love you no matter what
k87 [3:17 PM]: what did you post?
k87 [3:17 PM]: i'm growing....myself
k87 [3:17 PM]: when i recognized it....and felt it..it felt/feels so good..somethings i have to let go and had to let go of in the process though
BROWNCRAYON5 [3:18 PM]: so you better go read it before i get crazy and delete it again


i love you too, and i think about you always and i wish i never carried it how i did, but it was my uncertainty in myself and lack of self understanding in which i couldn't be in a place trying to understand you.. and it isn't your fault and i never want you to think of me, or us in that way, dood i love you so much, and i don't see that changing... its just that time, and thangs and situations don't seem to work on my schedule
ky87 [3:19 PM]: it's cool...i'm cool ...i understand
BROWNCRAYON5 [3:20 PM]: its kinda dumb dood, but if anything i don't know how to put it but in those words...
k87 [3:20 PM]: what do you mean
BROWNCRAYON5 [3:21 PM]: it is the newest post.
i just put it there a second ago

k87 [3:21 PM]: oh ok

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
k87 [4:14 PM]: what is up with us
BROWNCRAYON5 [4:14 PM]: i dunno, what do you think?

k87 [4:14 PM]: i dunno duuuude
k87 [4:14 PM]: i'm confused about my feelings
BROWNCRAYON5 [4:15 PM]: me as well
let me know what is on your mind
k87 [4:15 PM]: i still love you
k87 [4:15 PM]: like love you as a friend and beyond
BROWNCRAYON5 [4:15 PM]: i feel the same way about you

k87 [4:16 PM]: it's crazy cus we've been at this for a while
k87 [4:16 PM]: friendship is cool
BROWNCRAYON5 [4:17 PM]: one of the main reasons that i pulled away renee, had nothing to do with you, and yet it affected you. and, i just don't feel that it is fair for me to hold you on some "i don't got my shit together stuff," and knowing fully well that i need to get it together. its like a catch 22 or something.. like i don't want to put you through what i put myself through

k87 [4:18 PM]: i feel you
BROWNCRAYON5 [4:21 PM]: but yet, i got mad love for you, i love you, you opened me up, and i shut myself back down. which is why i wrote i am not a poet for your love.. i don't express any poetic shit for your love.. i mean that is just what it is.. cause i love you beyond words spoken and then ones that aren't.. and i wrote i wish i wasn't the poet that stepped all in your love, cause i feel that i have opened you up to loving me, andsometimes i just don't feel as though, i deserve to have your love, or not even that, you don't and didn't deserve to be open and hanging....
BROWNCRAYON5 [4:22 PM]: i left you out there dood.. i just fuckin typed the words, and let it go
k87 [4:23 PM]: danielle it's cool we can change and grow togetehr for the better.....as friends as ....
BROWNCRAYON5 [4:24 PM]: i mean i need you to do what you need to do.. to make shit better for you.. cause you are some kind of wonderful
BROWNCRAYON5 [4:24 PM]: my first thing i need to conquer is my FAT ASS.. lmao
k87 [4:24 PM]: so are you and i love you for that....
k87 [4:24 PM]: you're beautiful though
k87 [4:25 PM]: but i understand where you're coming from
BROWNCRAYON5 [4:26 PM]: i wish i could stop crying.. you are too beautiful.. dood.. in your own mind..
k87 [4:26 PM]: danielle when i get there..you gotta meet me at my hotel and we're gonna do our thizzle
k87 [4:26 PM]: ok?
BROWNCRAYON5 [4:26 PM]: i have alot to learn from you

k87 [4:27 PM]: i don't mean like that but i mean you and me time..out doing whatever we please
BROWNCRAYON5 [4:27 PM]: i know you didn't mean like that
k87 [4:27 PM]: ok :)
BROWNCRAYON5 [4:27 PM]: lol girl, the shop is shut down
BROWNCRAYON5 [4:27 PM]: :)
k87 [4:27 PM]: what shop?
BROWNCRAYON5 [4:28 PM]: the thizzle shop.. ha, so even if you did mean it like that, you was short ...lol nah
k87 [4:28 PM]: lol
k87 [4:28 PM]: aww the thizzle shop is closed
k87 [4:28 PM]: dang it
BROWNCRAYON5 [4:29 PM]: they got this gigantic box of nag champa, 37 dollars gotta go get that
BROWNCRAYON5 [4:29 PM]: but i am not
k87 [4:29 PM]: i was gonna feed you cantelopes,mangos,kiwis,and something sweet
k87 [4:29 PM]: are you serious
k87 [4:29 PM]: i copped a 137 stick one for like seven bucks
k87 [4:30 PM]: i think the brothe ri copped that one from has a 37 dollar one
k87 [4:30 PM]: 'i love super hit though
BROWNCRAYON5 [4:30 PM]: nope nope nope no mangos.. no kiwis.. no cantelopes, no honey dew, no oranges, none of that sweetness

BROWNCRAYON5 [4:30 PM]: hold upp let me see
k87 [4:31 PM]: ok
BROWNCRAYON5 [4:31 PM]: oh yeah they have nag champa soap

k87 [4:31 PM]: yeah he has that too
k87 [4:31 PM]: but i copped egyptian musk and nature's blessing
BROWNCRAYON5 [4:31 PM]: somebody told me that was the " you gonna you some " incense lmao.. they was lying like shit
k87 [4:31 PM]: none of that sweetness?
k87 [4:32 PM]: yeah i know right
BROWNCRAYON5 [4:32 PM]: nah, its gonna be sweet on some other kinda of level
k87 [4:32 PM]: i use them for relxation
k87 [4:32 PM]: i feel you
BROWNCRAYON5 [4:32 PM]: yes, mind cleanser
k87 [4:32 PM]: they are great aprhodisiacs for a sensual mood
k87 [4:32 PM]: fa sho
BROWNCRAYON5 [4:32 PM]: well, i wouldnt know anything about that

k87 [4:33 PM]: maybe i'll show ou one day
k87 [4:33 PM]: ya know? some other sweetness
BROWNCRAYON5 [4:33 PM]: :-[
k87 [4:33 PM]: some mental sweetness....some we on venus cus earth can't handle our love sweetness
BROWNCRAYON5 [4:34 PM]: lol

k87 [4:34 PM]: what?
BROWNCRAYON5 [4:34 PM]: nah i was lookin for a smiley but i didn't know which one, so i just picked that one

k87 [4:35 PM]: lol



unconvering the understanding of the understanding of it all
that is my girllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll i miss miss miss the convo, whoo we are gonna get through this thang..

talk to you lata

If only I
Could let
You taste my
Words before
I let them go

exactly
when they
were feelings
pure
and right
Before they
Became a
Product
Of my
endless
Mind
Fuck

Passing them
dirty
To my tongue
For the elements to
Have their way with them

If I could

I would have drank
Your salty blues
Before they became
This river
that
i wanna
Envelope myself in,

If only
To feel your
Warmth
and
For real
This time

To look you
In your face
And be able
To know

Without a second
Guess
That
What I was feeling
Was right
For me
you

Us


There
Is litter
In this
Water
That separates
And on the banks
That keep
Us connected

so close
But so far

And how I wished
I could make
The latter
Disappear
Like a magicians
White rabbit

so

I got my bag
In hand
And I will
pick up these
pieces
Stay here all day
If I got to

Cause
I know
That it
Shouldn’t end
……
….
…
..

At least not like this

So I sit next to
The flow of things
And drop message
In
Hoping it makes
Its way
To you

_________________
|*****************\
|***************** ===|++
|*************** ***===|++
|******************===|++
|_________________/


to her heart,

i message you in
dot dot dash
dash dot (your email says so)

you got me pullin out the old ham
radio kit
i remember that ms. williams made me
study it before she took me to
kennedy center
because i thirsted for the art
in things
i was fluent in a language all my own
which i lost somewhere along the way

but i renewed this passion for you
and me
and i send out

.. .-..---...-. -.-----..-

can you hear me
when i say that

.. .-..---...-. -.-----..-

I loved you from afar
i found art in your walk
your talk and
your sexy poetic ways
nothing aesthetic
you are beautiful
in your own mind
which is what i love
about you

and

You will only share this moment... so to be truth-
To be the truth I gotta let you know that I haven’t been the same since I parted
Your oceans..
My words haven’t flown with the same emotion, and I miss just hearing your voice..
When words go unspoken.
and i still got a jones
for your love
i thought about
what we would name the
dogs (i hope you got that part)
and how we would
and could
make this thing
work
despite the obstacles
big, small, teeny tiny, minute
and i gave up
before i even started
on myself
on you

and regret doing so
without the proper
conversation
just a letter
in the mailbox
marked hell
in a handbasket

i ran from the
possibilities
it was a friend who taught
me about possibilities

she told me awhile ago
and it is sad
because i only caught on
in the moments that i
wrote those lines
and i now understand her message

i found so many obstacles in front,
that i did not look behind to see
you standing in my shadow.



and that i can never change
nor forget

CAUSE I WAS JUST PLAIN WRONG

and for once i want to let you
know what is wrong
what is right

i wanna return to what was once
innocent
in our minds

i love your words, your mind, you

god, that girl is going to be lucky
when she catches you..

i just didn't want the bullshit be the
focus in our ever evolving
still life
painting
hanging
in this gallery
marked
existance
survival
life..


if nothing more
i wanna be your friend again
atleast now
that is all that i can offer you

i detatched myself so far from what was, that i was safe in my absence, and when i stepped back in i felt cold

so i am going to sit on the
shore of your blue
waters
until i gotta

but just know
i understand
you if at whenever time
you gotta do what you gotta do

cause i fucked you over.
in my mind
not letting you in
as much as i should have
before i shut you out.

and for once i want to let you
know what is wrong
what is right

i wanna return to what was once
innocent
in our minds

and friendship it up

cause prototype is all about you

i hope that you're the one/if now, you are the prototype/ we'll tiptoe to the sun/and do thangs i know you like//

today must be my lucky day/ baby, you aare the prototype/do sumn' outta the ordinary/ like catch a matinee/ baby, you are the protorype/

if we happen to part/ lord knows i don't want that/ but hey, we can't be mad at god/ we met today for a reason/ i think i'm on the right track



dracula's wedding is all about me

you're all i've ever wanted, but i'm terrified of you/my castle may be haunted , but i'm terrified of you/ i've cast my spell on millions, but i', terrified of you/ baby i do this from the ceiling, but i'm terrified of you//

i wait my whole life the bite the right one/then you come along and that freaks me out/so i'm frightened...draculas wedding.

----------------------------------

let me break it down, so it can forever and consistantly be brokkkkkkkkkkkeee-

i need to take a run
or a few million
a sista
is sososososososososososososososso
unhealty
it makes no sense
i am ashamed of myself
and in need of change
i don't like
living like this
it is no fun being fat
my clothes don't like me
and i don't like them suckas either

who wants to run with me


onward upward

scarf

knitting a hat, and finishing 2 scarves

in progress.. multiple publishings ensue for this post.. thinking things out

i deleted it

i am so confused
very very very very
i just don't know

i dunno..
burn some candles and nag champa for my soul, it is still a baby with many lessons to learn

elle

HAIRRRRRRRRRRRstory

today i had the joy of conquering the hair..

here is the transition.. from, all stuck together, to separation, and twisting, it turned out mighty fine alright

elle

unconcious mutterings

1. Herpes:: simplex
   
2. Freddy:: kruger
   
3. October:: november
   
4. Hunting:: season
   
5. MSN:: 8
   
6. 36:: dollars
   
7. Hotel:: my bed at home
   
8. Travesty:: disaster
   
9. Health:: problems
   
10. Conditions:: urm?
    

party over here

sunday mornin'
flashback
to a time i wasn't present -but love
like it was my own
through the music
that speaks
so
passionately
to my
ardent
heart


right on!--lemme turn down this music before the next time i walk out of here i got on three shoes platforms

two on my feet..

yall know where the other is gonna be

sincecerly
elle

ps hope that we can be together soon- go 'head harold melvin, and those funkay blue notes

the boondocks according to elle

before i could get outside to see the sun, and the sky and the wind tickling the leaves, in its slyest manner(see previous post).

i went downstairs got my obligatory ginger tea cup (the smell deems so,) i walk over to that OXYMORON of a water cooler, to get some hot water, and think of how lazy i am not to boil the water (but whatever), so i am looking for my tea, and i go over to the counter, and set my cup down. something tells me to look up.. which was when i screamed like somebody bloody murdered my ass... i saw that one million leg bug cheadle was telling me about, oh how i screamed, waking up the bodies once at rest.

"what the hell is wrong with you"

i ran and got some orange clean, cause that sucka, fell on the floor, and started coming after me.. now i know this may seem a little over the top, but i don't fuck with big ass squirming bugs, that have one million legs, and run faster than me. could have been a tyrannosaurus rex for all i care.. that shit did not.. and i repeat did not belong in the normally safe confines of the kitchten.. un uh.. can't get me to think otherwise

not trying to sound like a murderer

but i sprayed him, one time for each of those legs, and he kept running, i tell you, he was a persistent fella, but not in my damn house, and no i wasn't picking him up and taking him outside so that he could come back to visit.

so you can hold your calls to peti (people for the ethical treatment of insects) cause i share love for the animals..and i even brake for the three deer that like to cross my street when i gotta go somewhere (no lie those things be waiting for me) or even the ones that eat ms. hills flowers in the wee hours of the night.

but i will not
ever like when those mofos
come exploring my house

not those ants that once liked my window
not those termites that like the front door, because it is close to a mound of mulch, which mind you is completely normal, because the aforementioned mound sourrounds a lovely tree.
not that spider that was chillin in the basement bathtub (that was just plain sick)
not that one that came out chillin during the crabfeast with the long ass butt probe(looking like an over grown misquito on McDonalds), talking bout "what yall eating"
and
not even those fucking crickets that chill all over the house because my brother often mis judges his 2 lizards mouthes, with the floor (bastard, trust i love that little big bamma, cause that is my little big bamma)

circa june 2002
ok.. i know alot of you have heard of roaches infesting homes.. hell alot of you may have even had those little fuckers visit you..

me..

i got crickets.. .. not just your run of the mill cricket that you hear chirping at the butt crack of dawn.. un uh.. i got some domesticated fuckers runnin around my house. (my brother has geckos..not geico and he feeds them crickets.. but always forgets...never fucking closes the cage.. and they escape wrecking havoc around the house. those little fuckers jump like a got-damn moterized pogo stick)

i was chillin on my bed makin a bracelet, when i got up to turn off the light. what did i see making its way across the floor but a (i thought it was a roach.. we don't have them never have..knock-on-wood) cricket. my first thought was to grab the nearest shoe to me, and whack the hell out of it, i chased it around my room for a minute, and it jumped into my clothes basket, i emptied it out, and it ran under my desk, and i whacked the shit out of it. i got up and looked for something to pick it up with, couldn't find anything, so i looked back on the floor where it was lying still, and whacked it one more time for good luck. then went to the bathroom to get some tissue. i came back and to my horror the little fucker was gone.. he faked his death, and was so convincing.. it didn't move, and one of its legs was ever so twisted, like it was a pretzel, or maybe he went to heaven, and if he was reincarnated, i wonder what he will be when he makes another appearance, hopefully not another cricket(lmbao)

no, as soon as it saw me leaving the room, it hopped its happy ass somewhere in a corner, probably knowing i wouldn't waste my time looking for it right away. chillin with another night to live, makin babies-his legacy to bother me the rest of my everloving life, and drinkin a margarita or some shit like that, laughing at me.

goodness i hate fucking crickets..
i blame his survival to carpet, but this grasshopper has become the teacher.. i don't like bugs

nope not even those

cause they give me the heebies that are often associated with the jeebies

on with the sunrise
elle

smooth

the
sun
is
rising
lovely
so
much
so,
that i
must
go

outside

to
greet
it's
welcome
to a new
day
and
to
better
view
the
dark purple
throwing on mute
to
make way for bright
blue

that's love


//thank mom and dad for sticking two together because we don't know how//--3000 hey ya

up for the day

i got up at 4 something.. going out to get the paper
and wash me hair..

something about sunday morning hair washing that has got me hooked

i must admit, i haven't been feeling the greatest lately, my body is not happy with me, and i am getting sick more lately, hideous headaches, arms feel like crap.. cloudy mind.. etc

i need some more nag champa
today shall be lazy (who am i kidding.. they all are)

make some hats

clean up
drink some spicy ginger tea wit honey


contemplate thangs.


ain't understanding mellow
nworb

straight girl blue

she is jabbin in my ear about
this girl she saw
that
"was too good looking to be a girl"

but i am like
stop
spitting
the old ass
rhetoric
about how she was so
cute
but you is mad
and now you questioning
yourself

cause i knowwwwwwww
you
is waxing
poetic
on them
wooden
floors
that make a
path straight
through your heart

trying to save
face-it
you are curious

--and don't got shit to prove to me
do you

will fix template later

going to get me a record player..

whooooo hooo!!

my dad was like what is next
an 8 track


if i so desire
elle

going to sleep at three

i must admit, i have been spending a horribly insane amount of time typing on this thing.
most of the time it is between knitting, from patterns on here, simply cause i haven't hooked up my printer, i am knitting a tube top for t, and i hope it is small enough, she has the exact opposite problem i have with clothes

i just got off the phone, my two-something ritual, and i must say, it was a joy. laughter.

norah jones sounds just lovely on the love below album, i play it over and over, nice, and smokey

signed your favorite (well atleast my own)
insomiac
elle

baby take off your cool, i want to get to know you

strippin out these
clothes
hot-
knowin
that if you was here
i wouldn't
cause i can't let you
see my insecure
side
which is all of them
and that is really
the reason
i hold back on love

there
now i said it

we are taking the clothes to a womens and childrens shelter..

now i shall find the one, that i will donate to

bout to go re-wash the clothes, and box by sizes

:)

t shirt making

tired of the looking like everyone else

make your own

i am making tshirt transfers tonight

any ideas?

yarn

i have aquired a heap of yarn lately, at more than perfect prices. luck.. probably


what is it you ask

green- 5 hanks of bahamas, made in italy for jakobsdals coulour 4124 lot 1951
yellow- (2) katia menta color 22 tint 20245 novelty eyelash type yarn (2) katia blues viscose ribbon yarn
tirqouise& purple-(1) each dancing leaf farm chenille yarn
misc. yarn
some what i think to be bags that they use to put fuit in.. ie oranges, that will serve as yarn bras, when i recieve my ROYAL yarn winder
(3) skiens of wool ease worsted weight yarn, and 1 ball
some old worsted weight virgin wool yarn for dying and felting

all of which cost less than 20 dollars..


440 grams of silk yarn from nepal, and some wool novelty yarn on the way.. whooo hooo

i am sorry

for not making the phone ring on your side

i was too busy trying to fold myself into the hospital corners of my bed

the feeling you ask.. every bit of despondent, dejected, dispirited..
yeah
you get the picture

i am about to go try out my new tooth brush
yes--at three-oh-five in the morning

because i finally got her to go to sleep, cause i don't feel like talkin on the phone, or watching a movie on the phone, while you comment "did you see that" no i didn't cause i wasn't watching it in the first place

her calls are sprinkled throughout the day, and always, at 2:30 am, on her lunch hour, when we verse about the goings on and thangs,and even though most of the time, we carry a good conversation, not tonight, i am not a phone person.

my mom just got finished packing her bag, and let me tell you, she packed her prize possesions on top, the chocolate covered peanuts, her lifesavers mints, a spare pair of un-der-wear and her bible. lol, she is a trip, she is leaving for a womans conference in about two hours, she will be back on sunday i think. imma miss her new hair cut, that thing is bangin' in a momma kind of way, but really, imma miss her trying to run me over with her wheel chair, and those moments, when out of the million that we clash, we smile and laugh, at the same thing.

she loves me

this morning she woke me up and told me that she is having a yard sale on saturday, it seems as though i am going to assume the position of the co-conspiriter, cause my dad does not like junk. ha, i don't like that shit either, but i'll do it. though, i would much rather look in someone elses junk, than manage a shit load called our own.

how about this morning we are riding to the post office, and a suicidal bird is sitting in the street, so i am looking at it like what the hell, don't it see us coming, so what did she do, but slow down, "so i screamed momma no, don't hit it" loud as shit, i lie to you not. we were about an inch away, and that thing finally moved- her logic was because it was just moving, mine- was because it knew that if she hit him going that slow, it would have just been that, a slow, and painful death.. so what you know, we are going back home, and that mofo is sitting right in the middle of the road again, except this time, it was kinda hard to distinguish from the pavement.

yuck..

reminds me of that time there were all those possums, and i was taking fantah to school, and i was screaming, and she was looking at me like look at this damn fool. road kill isn't pretty, and i will not hesitate to scream, but only when i am driving, and it is in my path, makes me think of things that go bump in the night..

bump-bump
ellelee

good news

two text messages from two different people at the same time

amina lawal wins appeal against stoning

tees best friend had a healthy baby gul

peace elle

shower

i am going to take a shower
simply
because
it is easier to
disguise the tears
when you have
water running down
your face

if only i could make this make sense to you-to myself

i finally
figured out, that
i can't manifest my love for you
through br ok e n ke yst ro ke s
and unintelligible grammer

Before, I mustered
all of my
heart into a ball and threw
It
Half ass hoping that you would catch it
And throw me to the side
So that I could recover in
Normalcy
And then again
half ass hoping you would catch it
take me home
and when you did, its as if i got
home sick

i am not poet
for your love

Somewhere along the way
You tossed your ball to me
And I bet
You think I threw it to the
Side

But be sure that I keep
It close
At all times

i am not poet
for your love


i am a woman
in need of
Understanding
Understanding of
Self
Before understanding
Of anything more

i am not poet
for your love

And that’s when
I smelled nostalgia,
the sun was shining beautiful,
And
the clouds were soft,
and inviting,
as if to seduce my fingers into playing catch
with the unattainable.
Its funny but
that
afforded me an understanding
Or at least a smidgen
Of how you must feel
On your plight with my heart
And if it is any consolation
I would surely curl my venus
With your sun
If only the time
Was based on an
Angle of 90

which is why
i wish i wasn't the poet
that stepped all in your love

don't mourn for my old words

they used to call me a poet
but now my words aren't to their liking

so i ball up every page of those
things
and burn them in the fire

like i want you to promise
you will do
me when i am gone
physically-

Do that for me
Or all shall not rest

don't sit me in no church
i never graced after i was
old enough to choose for myself
I don’t want nobody standing over my
Lifeless body talking about
She didn’t look like that when she was
Alive-

because surely i am not supposed to

Don’t go spending exorbitant amounts
Of money for people to grieve longer
Than they should

because in truth
i grieve for you

Don’t mourn for my old words
Or my body
keep the love of my soul
if you had it to begin with

Take that 700 or so, I got left over
In the shoe box under my bed
And pay the man
And if that isn’t enough

what was the worth of it anyway
Burn me along with my words
and
Sprinkle me on the pavement

SHONUFF

i miss my ginger altoids, and my tin of mints that ever so politely states

"please enjoy a mint, since your breath smells like butt"

it is hot as crap in here, my head is aching, and jata just told me i am fasting because i can't fit into my jeans..and then she laughed long and hard.. you know when i get your ass back, there is no discussion- how do they say it... get back is a muthafucka.. ;)

it seems as though everyone i know is having relationship/significant other/ problems.. hell. my ass just got problems..

but naw i am good, besides falling up the steps to my house, mind you there is only two. i guess that is what i get for wearing my bruce leeleroy shoes incorrectly, those things are hot on the inside.. lmao.. i am tripping-literally. but yeah i fell up those steps, and fucked my knee up, groceries went everywhere, i had to go in the house and recouperate before i went back out there to pick all that shit up. i am glad no one was looking. but then again, these people around here be hiding in the bushes and shit.


ps, i saw the cutest little brown boy today, he is a friend of my brother, all i got to say is watch out he looks as though he is a heartbreaker

i am tired
bye


oh yeah i had two of everything on the menu juiced

~menu~
gapefruit
orange
lemon
teaspoons of nasty ass, stankin' olive oil

breakfast ginger tea, with honey

do some geechees for me gul

he

if only this freedom
thang
didn't hurt so bad
i now know
why my momma
always sent me
off
first aid kit in hand

if these (uterus) walls could talk 1

they vould probably be talking to me in the voice of ms. brown, sceaming obsenities.. like maybe

"what the fuck is your problem" followed by !@#$%^@#$@#$#@$

ah the pain..

forest gump

I must have drunk me about 15 Dr. Peppers.

i got to pee



elle

for you i wont move fast

to
my best friend/
geechee girl

i wont move fast for you
i wont move too fast
i will try not to move fast

i wanna keep the pace with
your riddems
cause i see your fire
bright like those city lights
that when still
dance with the same
e-mo-tion
as that photograph
i got etched in my
subliminal
of movements
made
with conciousness
of heart
and mind

i ain't never going to move to fast for you
to void
the past
and move without rememberance
would be to
deny my own self
being that
our strides are similar
and one the same

ain't no steppin out
on this

its all about the
geechee and the strange
understanding



you move me

twin souls.. i mean we both gave each other mangos for christmas..lmao if great minds don't think alike ;)

i can't sleep, so i will give you a little letter to read at your desk tomorra..

i was just sitting here, and i looked you up in google, and i was reading your archives, and gurl ain't shit funnier than that right there, maybe its cause we was going through it all together. and out of all the folks that i can relate that hardest, and best times of my life with, it would be you, cause you was a constant, and still be, even when we be on haitus, and you know, that shit is stubborn-ness, like a muthafucka, and. and then i went to my old emails, and read every last one of those muthafuckas.. haha muthafuckas, that reminds me of the "25 dollar journal that better write for you" as you said "and if i say "muthafucka, they better spell that shit with a u and an a".. girl we been through it, hard ass times like shit, great as times, uneasy times, crazy ones. interesting ones, happy ones sad ones, poetic ones.. A-HEM interesting ones, like me almost running a light and killing yo' ass at christmas, and what did you do, you sucked that shit up like a soldier, thats what i am talking about.. like i said when we first met, you inspire me

i love you dooder.. sistas in life, and whatever comes next.. cause there is a next

you best believe i will be skipping through the "next" lookin for your ass, and maybe we can sing our songs in an unchained melody, have a group and shit, cause both of us be tearing up each others ear drums, don't fake.. i know i can't sing.. you on the other hand got some skills (LMAO)
and whether you know it or not, you the one that got me destroying their boxes. i am in the process of printing those emails out, priceless, more than a material gesture .. even the ones that just say hi. those things got history in them.

know that

ellelee got your back.

from now on, lets end on positives, i have often thought i don't know what i would do without my "sista syol, my soul sista, under the sol"

like you stated in slowly #2

In my dreams I move so slowly
I have enough time to know you
Before you pass by
I have enough time to know what I'm missing
I have enough time to make up with you
And we remain friends
Cause in a fast world
I move slowly
Only for you
You'll never have problems catching up with me

and you taught my stubborn ass that.. you have taught me so much shit you don't even know.. girl what would i do without ya ass..



Slowly #2


In my dreams I move slowly
I can breathe
Life is too fast for me
Yeah...I feel my feet touching the ground
My cell doesn't ring
People get a good look at me
Before they judge
And I can sing
The wind slowly carrying the notes
"**….and I picked up a joy to my face, my heart beats faster than the regular pace….."
Love is, in my dreams
Something I rarely get to touch
And it's so soft I just look at it
Cause everything I touch, I break
Delicacy is not my thang
I love like grass
Never giving up under pressure
Hairs on my head peeking through cracks in concrete
But grass loves only the elements
My world, man made
Created,
Masterpieces projected on a walls and copied
Consistency can be verified by the heart
And the same watered down drink you give me
Slowly seeps back in your mouth though my kiss
In my dreams I move so slowly
I have enough time to know you
Before you pass by
I have enough time to know what I'm missing
I have enough time to make up with you
And we remain friends
Cause in a fast world
I move slowly
Only for you
You'll never have problems catching up with me


Syolie

they killed the pictures on my page.. who knows of good hosting that will allow, my visually stimulated mind to function.

roses really smell like boo-boo --andre 3000

My lips
don’t take no kisses
Packaged in babies breath
And apology
Leave that to your mrs
For not askin if you could
Rearrange the flowers
in her garden

Lets find new ways to make love
cause neither my mind
Nor my body, can continue to contort
Into those god awful positions
You got out of a
Book for a buck ninety-nine

don't move too fast

today is the second day of my accidental fast, it was actually pretty easy, i feel pretty good, hopefully significant change will come, i purchased a pocket muse today, and sacred woman, by queen afua, and have decided to do a 21 day cleanse, lets hope we get to day three, i was talking to my loctitian, about cleanses, and fasts, and this is where i am now, feeling okay and creative, i'll post my progess.

{EDIT} I FORGOT i was driving down the street and my eye rolled up in my head from some damn thing and i was like "checkers you gotta eat" LMMFBAO you know that commercial, i think i was withdrawing.
elle

she pigeonholed

my art,

i can't help but feel my heart twinge at those words, sent by a sistasoul in life.. but i must remember "Try to write poems at least one person in the room will hate."

this one's for you

elle

untitledunfinished

I smelled nostalgia,
the sun was shining beautiful,
And
the clouds were soft,
and inviting,
as if to seduce my fingers into playing catch
with the unattainable.
Its funny but
that
afforded me an understanding
Or at least a smidgen
Of how you must feel
On your plight with my heart
And if it is any consolation
I would surely curl my venus
With your sun
If only the time
Was based on an
Angle of 90

it's a family affair

so i am riding down the street listening to the love below, and the next thing i know somebody scares the bejeevus out of me, horn blaring, i turn and look, he is waving at me "hey honey" he says, and i realize i have seen him somewhere, in a store with his significant other, maybe it was his boyfriend, and i turn to him, and wave, and smile wide and point to the rainbow lei that is over my rear view mirror, and say hey family, which probably looked like i mouthed it into the wind, but he got the picture and smiled. now that is some love. how nice it is to know that perfect strangers can you feel you, and show love. of pride

elle

put it in the air

i put it out there, and it came to me, ellelee has a j-o-b i start on the 19th, by choice, i have a lot of things i need to finish up, to get started, to reconcile, to purge.. to find before i get up in that piece.

yes, happy as shit, personal revolution going on here..
give thanks.. yepperz

going to borders, to work on some hats, and tic tac as j-diggy would say "you tic tackin over there?" as a matter of fact i am

we be trippin sometimes.. but you is my sista-syyyyyyyyyyyol

love the
elle in brown

new hats

bout to start on another, i haven't eaten today, i guess i will go chew some orange juice.. and hit them pillows. tomorrow is going to be busy, gotta drop the hats and thangs off at the shop, and head to aylins for some yarn for the PROJECT


peace and ...

elle

donny is de man

hang on to the world as it spins around
just don't let the spin get you down
things are moving fast
hold on tight and you will last
keep your self respect and your manly pride
get yourself in gear keep your stride
nevermind your fears
brighter days will soon be here
take it from me some day we'll all be free......

keep on walkin tall
hold your head up high
lay your dreams right up to the sky
sing your greatest song
and you'll keep going on
take it fomr me some day we'll all be free
hey just wait and free
some day we'll all be free
take it from me some day we'll all be free
it wont be long
take it from me someday we'll all be free
take it from me
take it from me
take it from me

p d is takin me n

she works

I am sitting here, listening to the dells, with my old ass, as p would say. I swear I love some music. Especially old music, cause they talk straight to you And I would fuck so hard with those basement parties, my folks be telling’ me about, the joints with the blue light, and you best believe my ass would be having a rent party, lol, but even moreso it makes me remember growing up in Arlington, with my folks, going to the ball diamond till early hours on the weekends, and bid wiss parties galore.. Cookouts, and picnics, watchin‘ them hand dancing and secretly wishing that I could step in, or get stepped on.. Damn.. Those were the days, but more specifically singing along to the radio while in the backseat, sexual healing, being my song of choice.. Them probably being like that damn freak in the backseat.. Lol..

This morning I received a call on , my phone, which hasn’t been working since Isabel stepped in the place, and It was THE DENTIST I haven’t heard from him in some months, and the last time being when I switched my phone, and he was in the store, and got my new number. I was beginning to think that he was not serious about the job offer, anywho, he calls me like how are you Danielle, and at 6:30 in the a.m I still had on my “I didn’t brush my teeth voice,” he apologized for calling early, and asked me if I was still interested in working for him.. I was like yes.. He told me that he is going to call me after he gets off, to tell me, about the meeting with his partners, and that I will probably be working in the evenings, and every other Saturday.. Which is peace, cause elle is trying to get back into a few classes- OH-KAYYY

And I gotta get that new meshell joint comfort woman, when it comes out… and outkast tomorrow..

As my sun says

That ain’t nothin’ but the honey

Bout to burn me some lemon verbena candles, listen to some teena (as in marie) and read my book

and some war, cause the world is a muthafuckin ghetto, (they have some bomb musical arrangements, h2overture is one of my faves, makes me wish I still had my flute )

Walkin’ down the street smoggy eyed
Looking at the sky starry eyed
Searching for the place weary eyed
Crying in the night teary eyed

Don’t you know that it’s true that for me,
That for you
The world is a ghetto

Don’t you know that it’s true that for me
That for you
The world is a ghetto

Wonder when I’ll find paradise
Somewhere there’s a home sweet and nice
Wonder if I’ll find happiness
Better give it up
Now I guess

Don’t you know that it’s true that for me,
That for you
The world is a ghetto

Don’t you know that it’s true that for me
That for you
Hey baby hey baby heh heh baby



Theres no need to search
Anywhere
Happiness is here
Have your share
If you know your loved
Be secure
Paradise is love do be sure


Don’t you know that it’s true that for me,
That for you
The world is a ghetto

Don’t you know that it’s true that for me
That for you
The world is a ghetto

Don’t you know that it’s true that for me,
That for you
The world is a ghetto

Don’t you know that it’s true that for me
That for you
The world is a ghetto

The world is a ghetto…




Four cornered room

zoom zoom zooooommmmm as I sit/ in my four cornered room/ as I siiiiiitttttt, in my four cornered room/ I knew we met each other for a reason/ thinking talking we’ve worked out our problems/ look like we should have better days in front/ just because we took our time to think and talk for a much better understanding/

As we sit here in my four cornered ro-hoom/ I can feel alls your deepest emotions/ I know I cain’t talk right , but I feel it from the depths of my souuuuuuuuuul/ oh yeah yeah/ I can understand where your coming from/ yall comin from my four cornered room /yeyeah hhh/ yeah yeah yeah/ that four cornered room yall/



Elle

i get it from my momma

I get it from my momma
this weekend was peace! except no word from you.. hmmmmmmm who could you be?!

isabel came through and wrecked all the havoc she cared to, and then left. so many trees down, two in our yard, and about the same in everyone else’s.

saturday i went to go pick ms p up, from her house, but in the midst of listening to my radio, all the way up, and going somewhere space like in my head, i ended up downtown, so i stopped in chinatown, and like two minutes later her friend dropped her off. we drove to dupont, to walk around and do a lil shoppin' on a broke budget, got some things from the little organic grocery, and some water, and the city paper, and kept on walking. went to that little used bookstore 2nd story books, and i actually got one this time, i was trying to get to the poetry section, but this dude was sitting in a chair smack dab in the middle of the little space, and was not even trying to be courteous, like most folks.. so i was like fuck it


my new hobby is beading, i went in to bedazzled, and fell the fuck in love.. an hour and a half, and 30 dollars later, i emerged, with some new projects, a slew of beads, and thinga-ma-bobbies, for ear-rings, hair adornments, and maybe even some funky stitch markers. my impatience kicked in, before we got half way out of the door, because i was reaching for a bead and putting it on my dome.. stopped at the licka' sto' for some chocolates, with liquor in them for p's momma, and we headed back to china town for some good inexpensive green tea, for the mind and body, (cramps who am I kiddin‘) , and some slippers for these tired ass feet, i wish the doctor was in so i could try one of his remedies....

back to my house for the fucking crab feast.. i hate crabs, so i was just sitting there, but they was all eating those stankin' ass things talkin like they knew each other fo' eva.

i don't know but it is funny, when i was takin p home, my dad was like could he ride, i was like sure, so we drop p off, and she gets out, and my dad says, you know danielle i really like her.. and i was like cool, and i think that something about him meeting my friend who is actually cool and down to earth struck something in him, cause when we got home, i invited him into my pseudio -apartment (lmao) and he looked at my walls, and saw malcolm and was like that is the muthafuckin' man.. what you know about that, we had a talk that was straight heavy. some shit i never heard, he gave me a hug voluntarily for the first time in a long time, and told me that he was proud of me. there was not a dry eye in the joint, cause he finally said.. "no tell me" and i was like whoa.. kinda hesitant.. because it is always "no i tell you" but it was peace.. and things are on the up and up, and......... i look forward to the growth.


sunday i chilled harder than a muh- layed in my bed while the nag champa was burning thinking thangs, got up fixed everybody some breakfast, came back up, dipped my locs (no longer twists, cause they are locked like shit) in some red dye, washed with some carols daughter, if you don't know you sho' nuff betta ask somebody , and now, I am about to get in my bed and read my book


p pointed out that i look like my momma, from which i never thought i resembled, everyone, always saying "thats butchies daughter" but i see that now, and i like it..

peace
ellelee

why the fuck am i so gotdamn shy... oh my goodness, i got this weird ass fear of rejection....... stop the fucking madness..

crazy ass
elle

it is even hotter in here.. hotter than july.. whoo.. you could fry an egg on my forehead... probably wouldn't be tasty but hey.. what can i say

i am sitting here in the complete darkness watching goodtimes in a tiny window on my 'puter, dreading the battery lights inevitable blink in some minutes. 38 to be exact.

gosh....

its been so long since i have typed here about the state of thangs.. there is ssssssssssso much shit on my dome.. and i don't even know where to begin.. like for real for real. i guess rightfully so, cause it has been even longer since i expressed how i felt.. purged so to speak.

i just got off of the phone with p, and she was telling me of the downward spiral of a relationship she is slowly but surely getting out of, by chopping off at the main arteries with her sucky ass homophobe of a husband. and how fitting is that, maybe the blood with sieze to flow to his dick.. she just told me that he called her in the middle of him having a woman in her bed, and at that very moment she was sitting next to him chiming in. needless to say, he turned the shit around when she asked him what the fuck his problem was, of course he turned it into a "danielle is your lesbian lover" conversation.. but whatever... ignorant muthafuckas roam the earth for strange ass reasons, and karma is a bitch.... i'd like to see him try to fuck someone on the floor, cause that is where his sheets, his tv, and his tooth brush will be when she is done clearing all her shit out.. for the second time. whoooo lawd.. niggas and flies i tell you..
this negro is a fucking fly


18 minutes to go

this goapele is calming me down a bit.. its just that i am tired of ignorant mofos, misconstruing friendship with sex.. gotdamn i am a fucking woman.. who loves women.. but not every gotdamn woman.. not like that atleast.

on another note.. my dad is not feeling the lesbian daughter thing.. but its like either you do or you don't it ain't changing.. in a way i can understand the ignorance.. when you were brought up to think, a certain way, but i can't fucking tolerate that shit when you are blissful in that place.. its about moving forward progressing.. yanno.. but its funny cause we went from daddys little girl to the freak with a tongue ring, to the freak who does freak stuff..

hmm

my computer is trippin, so its about to go off.. soo ill be back

on some other shit..

elle

nothing

i've got a lot of stuff on my mind, it is hot in here, and i can't quite figure it out. i have been thinkin on it ... for some minutes, and seconds and hours if only i had a crystal ball ugh

in the process i made three hats.. and my fingers don't like me no mo'

that girl be playing with your mind

oh my.. i was just thinkin' on how ms. t puts thangs.. she be trippin a sis up. she got a way with words, and that is half the battle.. got me thinkin november is after september.. like immediately.. maybe its cause i was in the grocery sto' not thinking about what she was talkin' bout.. but damn.. i have known the 12 months since when..? not to mention she is dangerous to be around, and will hop out the car and argue with a person, if they cut her off, initiating road rage.. nah .. she is road rage, and straight be the one driving like a bat out of heaven. and she isn't even a buck-zero.. more like eight-OH! thats my girl though.. little ball of fiyah...

ah.. you just gotta be there.. her ass is crazy as shit, plus she almost killed me going around a corner today

so i kiss that one up.. and drive from here on out..

elle

blessings

peace to the people

i got a new computer viao frv28
so many blessings. i got my hair twisted up yesterday, and i now have a spot to sell my items.. my loctitian(sp) is so extremely nice, not only has she offered to do this, she has commisioned me to make a set for her hat wristwarmers and poncho.

i can't finish this right now but before i go i wish peace to the williams family on the murder of a sister, daughter, mother, friend. i couldn't imagine the pain.

elle

a scarf for yesterday

finished items last night

three wristbands acrylic
one penny purse

photo op- hair

thoroughlywholeheartedlymadlydeeply

in love

hmm what a feeling

don't dig too deep now-- for the speculators

elle

beauty lying in the unforseen.... seek it

....and then the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. -anais nin

everytime i read that quote, which is plastered in my psuedio, i envision a georgia o'keeffe painting..
she made the most beautiful flowers, which were at one point encased in a boring old bud, which leads me to believe, that beauty is ever lying in the unforeseen . and that i must seek it.. even if that means going outside in me skivvys... where the memory of humiliation would eventually drown out, and sight beauty forever engraved in my subliminal..

what a wonderful thought..


but what if you were the The Amorphophallus Titanum...described as similar to that of rotting eggs, a dead elephant, an outhouse in sweltering heat—and worse. i'd still have to say..nonetheless beautiful if your nose is plugged..

nworb

today is not my day.. so far

oh my.. i feel like shit

i really dislike falling out of my bed, not to mention i only wake up after a mild concussion. ha, i ventured outside to get the mail, equipt with a robe, only to realize, that i had an unmentionable, hanging loose.. i wonder if they saw me..

ah

gotta love days like this

crafty

some photos of what i have been working on in my spare time. not all of it, just a taste.. i been gone for a minute, but i will be back with some of my old ass ellelee-isms and some new funknastyness i am trippin' and you know how it be, so for the second time around we gonna make it funky for real this time

you don't gotta fuck wit it---just let it flow
i might not be picasso, but i'll tell you what.. I AM elleleebrown.. WORDDDD
remember i'm an artist, and i'm sensitive about my shit
and with that said on with the pictures :)












love yall so damn much talk to you so damn rough
new email addy beez- elleleebrown@hotmail.com


oh how i can't wait for MY OWN computer again

elle

steak taste on a hotdog budget.. HAAAAAAAA

so then t-diddy texts me

where you at
-home, you wanna meet me at walmart, returning rugs- hey gotta eat
i would but i have no money
-i don't know about you, but i'm about to hit up the grocery store (for more ramen its amazing how inventive you can get with plastic noodles and a seasoning packet)
don't you wanna go get me some potato soup from bennigans
-where that come from, you better hit up that dollar menu
can't afford that either, i guess it's a bread and water night

lmao.. but i am wondering where the hell i was supposed to afford it from.. heh

aww shit here she goes callin me

life and times

a girl is broke.. understatement..

i am left to ramen noodles, and they have now dubbed me the queen of returns, cause hey i sometimes buy things that don't make any damn sense, which calls for return.. and all i got to know is what is so wrong with that? its been a minute since i really put everything out there.. and tonight might not be the night, but i am in need of a good ole soul stirring type of post, cause there is so much shit i got to say..

the job search is going alright, i am in the looking for a job that does not include anytype of retail enviornment.. cause that shit is so highschool (no offense to retailers that are lovin' the life so to speak i just have bad luck with people and their damn attitudes).. took a test today for a government J-O-B, and i passed.. so i have been invited to the phase two assesment.. whatever that is, physical testing, and some other stuff .. they are gonna weigh me.. haha aaaaawww damn.... thats gonna be interesting..

well i feel kinda hungry
lemme take these rugs back to walmart
lmao
elle

diggin this dwele

she'll never know that she's the reason that i wrote this rhyme
and i'll bet she'll never guess
but i go all out of my way
just to deliver this rhyme
but shel'll never know-no-oh oh
subject numbers 5 & 15


dripping like thoughts wet
you quench me with
each discovery

i am still amazed
that you that you are willing to give ME
everything that you got whole heartedly
and with a fight

"i want you to know
but baby i can't let that go
just yet
and can you just hold on for a
second"

and i expect nothing more
no less
cause i respect your
respect for self
love

before preoccupation with
bodies and flesh meshing
making like they love

and really aint



elleleebrown
over
out

niggas and flies

ahhhhhhh.. dammit..


i had some shit to say, but well i just been away from the computer, i got my hair twisted up type lovely, met this playwrite at the cafe, when i was throwin away my cup, and she asked me to sit down and hear her work. it was hot, she is in this travelling womens theatre group, and she has invited me to be a part in her play... whatt? its cool, one of those bomb meetings, that just happen.. when you aren't looking, or just happen to be about to leave.. it was cool..

ansylla is the girl that twisted my hair up, she is type nice.. and lovely i might add, a grip older than me, but cool as hell though (but don't we all know that older women put it on me some kinda fierce) i met her mom at first she was shopping, and i commented on her hair.. and she kinda looked at me funny, and finally gave me a card, so like 4 months later i find myself making that call to get my wig fitted.. anywho she asked me how i found out about her and i told her mom, and we talked the whole time, i made her this cute little purse thing with some red wool, and felted it, with some big wooden buttons, and put some teas, and honey sticks in it, she dug :)

annnd i saw this girl i hadn't seen for a minute.. whew.. lawd.. lets just say it's getting hot in heeeerre


but this is where the niggas and flies comes in.
it's sometime between when you meet someone, and fall in love, and then when you realize they are full of shit..don't give a fuck or whatever it may be..whew.. i just don't know what to doooooo

niggas and flies.. which one is worse.. i don't have a clue


and thats fo realla

elleleebrown over and out

shopping for her baby

hmm

there is this girl, that i know who is really in a rut, she has a baby, and is currently pregnant by this guy i went to highschool with who has FOUR children already he is 22 , who quit his job so he wouldn't have to pay her child support, and who is very much an asshole. anywho, she doesn't make much money and she needs help, so my sister and i are going shopping for her baby.

now i know some people already who, talk shit about her, or tell her what she needs to do, but do not offer a single helping hand. she has her vices, just as much as the next person, and they harp on her about it.. in the little time that i have known her, she has always been very kind, and her baby is the cutest little one, but feeds off of her sadness, as any little one would do.

now this is a hard thing to do since the both of us are broker than broke, but considering the bullshit, i can find to spend my money on, twenty something dollars isn't that much, to give to the baby, and to her, because her esteem isn't the highest right now. and she has had a hard life, and kinda just wants to give up, so i told her to wash that man right out of her hair. and that if she needs something call me, instead of listening to his false promises, and all those times "he knows just what to say" to get her in the bed.. cause she needs someone to talk to, so i offer my friendship to her.

my sister is matching whatever i spend on our shopping for her baby trip, so i am about to get ready to go.

the only reason, that i am skeptical about going is that i don't want her to think that she has to pay me back, and i don't want her to think that this is charity, i just want to let her know that people aren't all as fucked up as she thinks, and that i truely care. because i know what it feels like to be alone.. or atleast feel that way, and i know what it feels like when someone shows that they care..

and they say you shouldn't keep it, but pass it on

good fortune..

elle

ughh i feel horrible- don't read it is horribbly dumb

hmm

i don't feel much like talking.. all i got to say it that i don't like drama, and there seems to be alot of it lately.. oh yeah i will add that my cellphone sucks.. has zero signal, and i am tired of hearing "you are breaking up" i had a weird ass dream this morning, after waking up at the buttcrack of dawn to get alfred to camp.. does 5-ish seem a little outrageous for a 7 year olds day camp. hmm maybe it is me, or better yet, i think it is having to fight with him to take a bath and actually get up.

it had people from my past, one in particular.. anyway, we were riding a bus, on which she gave me this really big ass ziploc bag of pictures of people i don't know. and we got off somewhere, and i left all my shit on the bus (this is where you say go danielle!.. dumbass) and we spent a really long time, because of my concern, looking for my shit, (and why cause i knew somebody stole my shit) following busses, until there was no more, cause i didn't know which bus we were on, and neither did she.. go figure.. anywho, we are looking, and searching, and i was like damn i need my shit, my janky ass cellphone, my purse bag, my books, my wallet loose money, my atm card, of which holds no value at any given point, and some other shit.. so i call the bus company.. to no avail, i call the stores and complain about my shit being gone, and they are like so what, and then, i see a sign and it says something like a whole bunch of shit for sale.. and has all my stuff up there. and they are selling it for bullshit prices, think.. like a penny and free, so i try to go get it back and they say that i can't have it.. i am like whatever its just some shit...but can i have it back ..

and then i wake up..

i think the moral of the story is that things, as well as bullshit friends, are disposeable, their value depreciates, but, their fucking memory is still there, haha and it was wonderful at one point but, well.. ugh.. why waste your time

whatever.. i am pisssssed.. i gotta go.. it don't make sense i know.. people and things always fuck me up

dancing to your beat

i once danced to your rhythyms thump thump

e.badu.lover-ly

i don't know bout yall
but i was feelin' ms e.badu
on the bet awards


i just think she is beautiful
and i love her TWA

peeking her purple toe polish

dood.. i am tired

tonight my moms, and sun went to las vegas to visit my grandparents, and i am trying to stay up until i know they get there safe.. i'm tired

took vic, and pops to the peruvian joint for some chicken, and then to toys r us for some toys.. cause i don't wanna grow up.. nah mostly hot wheels for cheadle, and this hulk truck for V, and now i am broke. anything for my babies.. we sat in the floor and put che's race track together, but i realized i forgot the batteries.. he told me it was aight that i could go buy him some tommorrow.. the thought of him regulating, MY money.

my dad keeps rollin' over talkin bout get out of his room, so imma keep it short.

i'm playing mom for two weeks, and it should be very interesting.

a date with my men on saturday, we are going to the movies, maybe six flags.. i dunno..

all i know is..

i was peeking her purple toe poslish- r. royster


but fo' real tho
i wanna dance..

poetry lives like a forest
plush
we soar drunk
into each nanosecond
like whispers
and find beauty in shadows
marveling
at the sweet
language
found

our bellies full
of rains
sweet juice

cool girl..

i met this really cool girl the other day at borders, she worked in the music section, and i was waitin' on sonnia listenin to goapele.. all the way up, so i didn't hear, or see her coming. when she tapped me on my shoulder, "that is a really great CD" we talked for a minute about something or another.. and she went back to working. after i had got done with the CD, i saw her walking, so i asked her about her hair, she had the most gorgeous locs they were wild, sticking up and stuff.. she was like she did them herself, she looked at my hair and was like don't loc it.. anyway, im'ma commit to twisting this mess, and will be done by the end of next week.. goddess willing

ellelee

ooooooooooh

i am hungry

my people are out of town, i slept in my mommas bed, its the closest thing to a hug i got right now


i remember this one time when i was a lil' girl, and we went "down the country," to stay in my grandparents house, and we decided to go to town to go shopping (even though shopping was like kmart, and win dixie) cause everybody know there ain't shit to do in the country except swat flies, and help with the cows, sit outside hot, with no cable, wishing you was at home. and we got lost listening to my grandmas directions, and we ended up in the cross roads.. i remember so distinctly her turning around saying "this is where the devil comes to get you... in the crossroads" and i also remember the fear i got, cause she was serious as a heart attack, and i remember my aunt just laughing..

whoo memories..

i feel as though i am in the crossroads right now.. not where the devil is coming to get me, but more on some Michael Jackson, man in the mirror type vibe.

changes to be made..
as always

the thought of love

got me thinking thangs

heh

i dunno.. sometimes i will just be sitting here like damn.. wtf is wrong with me.. even though i know there is nothing.. shit is funny.. i feel so inadequate sometimes..

i just wanna love and be loved.. why is it so hard though. i once cut myself off from someone very special, because of my own insecurities. that shit sucks cause i very much loved her, love her, care for her. the uneasiness, of not knowing, and scared to find out, got the best of me. got me thinking i let go of someone i still very much care for. but i feel like shit cause i can't relay the message.. messages of how i feel, and felt, things i was scared to say, not knowing how you would react, i just loved the feeling of falling, and poetry nonstop, our little books of questions, for when our brains weren't workin, when we needed them, of switching phones when one was about to go out you sitting in the hallway cause you was borrowin your roomates phone, and when my night and weekend minutes were about to go out, you would go to the computer lab, and me to my computer and carry it on, with IMs until one of us had to go, even though it should have probably been hours earlier. and sike nah (sike nah sike's) and o'mi'gods, and your mocking them, you were on the phone when i was about to tell my momma the big secret.. i dunno. it was very much fresh, and i think i made it stale..

i want you to know that i love you, and that i wanna continue our friendship

the ascension was hot
i miss you

imma call you as soon as my cellphone.. stops being we-todd-did

she got wings.. no wonda she fly

sistas

many prayers go out to my friend.. til the end.. i loveth you like pineapples and green jello

il.

before it is all said and done

it has to begin


and it goes a little something like this..


il.

i am insecure with love
self love
love of you and yours
me and mine

and even though i space
my thoughts, and words
as if i got it down pact
i don't know the art of
love and war
or how to make it
i don't just want to "DO IT"
let me learn loves' fluid-it-y
with you

i loved you. but moreso found it hard to believe that you could be in love with me, so i ended it abruptly like the screech of tires, after the driver has mashed the breaks, except the whiplash didn't mess with your neck, it played crazy tunes with your heart strings. i hung open like unfinished sentences, and i don't think either of us really knows what happened.. all i know is that...

i am insecure with love.
self love
love of you and yours
me and mine

love

poetess

i love you
and wanna put it on you
with words

that drip from the tip of your lips down
to your toes
tingling
have you tied up in
my thoughts
complex

i feel it.
serendipity to the mind
its hard to find in a world like...

i've gone three days without
eat, and my mind still remains
sheathed and body don't you
fail me now, because
once you discover
they can't take away that
in which you inclose
in your mind

though they may try

arm yourself to discover
that which was hidden
and remains covered
with every minutes
inattention
get yo mind right.

my new hobby is painting.. i'll post some pictures when i get a chance..


syol call me


t

pent up energy is like shit, it will kill your ass if you don't let it out.


i need a release .. any suggestions

nee, it was nice versing..

thanks for listening to my ass cry, and get frustrated and go off on a million tangents and go on and on and on about dumb shit, you brought me back down, i never got that note you sent?.. love ya.. wow, it woulda' been a year june 25th... keep in contact.. k.. i will call you as soon as the janky ass cellphone gets cut on, lets just hope its not the church phone i get?

love princess ellelee brown..

(i am still looking for your bomb ass journal)

its funny that one of my best fiends is old enough to be my momma, but yet everybody and they momma think i got something for her.. probably including my momma... damn .. what is up why do people think that everytime i am cool as hell with someone i want to fuck (so far out of my brain dude.. that is except for..... nah i am kiddin) oooh it bothers the hell out of me cause sonni-a, is my momma bear, she is the cool older person that gets me and fucking appreciates me, and fucking understands me, and we click.. so age aint shit.. but a got-damned number...

so anywho, sonnia, has a husband, and his name is for sake of not recriminating the already incriminated i will call his ass b.. dood, be trippin' like shit, man, we was cool when we first me, he was like hmm danielle is cool as shit, she calls me her daughter, and he calls me his baby.. heh.. that is until he found out i was gay, and started hinting around to pettyson that i was fucking/messing with her.. in which i had to call his ass on, because i had noticed a weird ass vibe when i was around their house.

so i came to him like dood what the fuck is up with you saying that me and sonnia are messing with each other.. he is like naw i didn't say that.. (bullshit) and ever since then, has this undying love for my ass, wants to hook me up with a girl. lmao.. had the nerve to ask me if i was the man or the woman. ignorance is bliss b.. if i am lesbian, we are both women.. anyway....

the shit bothers me that people think that a gay girl/straight girl relationship is all about sex, or hookin up.. i guess sorta how they view the dood/female friendships.. get yall minds out the gutter..

maybe that is what they mean when they say it comes with the territory

thats my ace boon coon.. whatever the hell book and rick and hurley used to say.. lol

and now for the "pound dap shake" cause it has been said that i don't dap like a dude (i am not supposed to cause i beez a woman).. so tboz invented one for me, yeah i'm special..

sonnia: "i am tired of callin' that girl tboz lets call her ass left eye"

bye yall.. just had to let that out..

we fall in love one confession at a time

ugggggggggh.. now you best believe that i am not falling in "love," i am just barely stepping in "like," and i must admit, it is frustrating the hell out of me. i try very seriously to be truthfull with mine. its frustrating me, because i am the one that initiated the dialogue, i put my shyness aside, and was like my girl j said "fuck it.. lets see whats up." its like, she has been trying to hint around for awhile, asking me if she was my type, the normal stuff, you know like, can i take you out, blah blah blah, but it is like, she was messing with this girl, whom i know is not fond of me, but that is another story. anyway,i see something in her, that pulls me to her, i wanna be cool with she, you know what i am saying.. cool, like shootin' the breeze or some shit like that, its like i see something in her that intrigues the hell out of me, like this hidden thangy thang, that is so special, cause we chilled, in my car and talked into the wee hours about shit, and life, and things, and we vibed so fuckin hard, and she dug my poetry, and she knew about meshell, which i hadn't known, and she how she is working on her music, and how she is trying to get her shit straight and it was so sweet because in that moment in time shit stood still. i mean like space that lingers between when you first inhale, and finally exhale, .. it was fresh..

i held her hand, and asked her if i could kiss her lips, i surprised myself cause i don't say shit like that, i am a bold mofo in my head, but 2003 is the year for action, she obliged hesitantly, but so sweetly, which surprised me, cause she is the "hard, dom, dyke, butch, lesbian" and "eww it makes me feel like a bitch ass nigga when you smack my ass" if you ask her, but it was sweet because, i am not one to just kiss your ass, i wanted that shit to touch her soul, i think it did, cause she just leaned back in the seat, and was like "this is wild, no one has ever kissed me like that." and we proceeded to listen to the isleys, and talk which was when she said that she thought i was beautiful, i was like whaaaaaaa?

in the midst of being like "fuck it ... lets see what's up" i find myself caring for someone, who is on a different road, neither the high or low road, just different ones. and when posed with the question, "what is next" its like you go with the flow or get rolled the fuck over, and that is some shit that rand mcnally cannot help a sista with. sometimes the shit she says boggles my mind, because its like where the fuck did that come from, and sometimes i smile, because it is the little bursts of honesty, and little quirky things that she says, that when first heard you again go "what the fuck," but then realize it is her way, and that is who she she is.. shit like.... man, you tryin' to turn me into a square, but then blows me kisses, and hugs me. you work with it.. you fill the negative space with positive energy.


she is like.. you like me, i like you, what is the problem..

no problem..

best believe i let her know that there would be "no fucking tonight"

i want you to love me
and not fuck me
love me
not fuck me
love the rythym
of my being
fuck the trivial shit

cause fucking and loving
are two to-tal-ly dif-fer-ent
entities
mix tapes
no need

because our rythym
superceeds the bass beats
and metaphoric heat
produced by words
over tracks
premeditated in studios

loving like a freestyle
off the top of your dome
and even tho r-kellys fucking
you tonight is cool and all
i don't want to break the zone
or feel on
your booty
your boo-ooh-ty

i wanna feel on your mind
fuck the insides
and the out
but concentrate more on
loving your
being

its totally free-ing
cause when i
am in mid verse/thought
i loose track of all that is trivial
and think of that which is in the
works
truely art
i would say love
but just trying to let it flow
love
yeah love is what it be
chilling and surprisingly
you and me
intertwined two
makes one
bond

righteous
what no-man
can break

no disrespect
gaurds slowly breaking
no hating just loving
no fucking
just rubbing
the inside of my mind to the
inside of yours

subliminal beats
in tweets call me
on repeat
got me feindin the heat
of loving
you between the sheets
no
not even
cause love starts in the heart and mind
and i am not one to jump the gun
pardon the pun

not working with haste

so there will be no fucking tonight
just loving
out of the sheets

no
i don't want you to fuck me
but love me
no fucking
love me

actually i penned this for her, cause thats how i feel for real

hard lookin' woman
don't you know this
touch will
make your hard
edges
bend to curve

all the while leaving yo' soul
intact

so don't fight the feeling..

it has been so long since i have been here, so long since i have let it flow.. i am so frustrated.. but happy that i made up with my friend, she is the original article.. it is so hard to be so much alike, so emotional, and stubborn, but have so much love.. damn i love you girl, we have an argument scheduled about the 15th of this month, lets see if we can cancel that appointment..mmk-- love you dooder.. calllllllll meeeeee.. :) sistas for lyfe.. and beyond if there is one.

off the no bullshit


i miss you.. i've thought about trying to recconect.. the last time i talked to you was weird.. i was sitting at the traffic light, after not understanding differences in emotions. i called, but it was short, and then i didn't anymore. cause i know sometimes shit just doesn't make sense, to the other party, but love is stronger than pride, and so is friendship.. i still care, and i drink chamomile, and honey, and i used the soap, and i re-read the letters, and emails, and i still got the pictures on my board in my room, and those PHOTO magazines are on my desk.. and i carry the photo book in my bag, .. our friendship isn't a disposeable one.. i love you for life dood..

when i saw alice walker i thought of the color purple
and then i thought of you

"I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it."

and i wanna let you know that i've noticed

ma ki da da

still missing in action.. no computer :(

it's my biiiiiiirthday

and i feel good

yesterday was alfie's birthday, he got one of those razor scooters, some rollerblades, bonoculars, a spongebob chair, some new shoes, gi-joes, and trucks, and money out the yin-yang.. since he only has two hands and was playing with his toys, and wanted to try on his new shoes at the same time, i offered to do him the favor..

me:dag alfie your feet stink
him: no danielle that's just your breath blowing up your nose..

another year older still the same a-b baby

the ice cream truck is playing it's cheesy ass tune, and all i can think about is that truth commercial, it's cold as shit outside, they shoulda came yesterday when it was like 500 degrees... hmm sonnia took me out for my birthday on tuesday, and she is makin me a strawberry cake.. and takin' me out next week too.. i am trying to figure out what i am about to get into tonight..

sonnia saw.. who she calls t-boz, only cause she can never remember her name.. damn danielle why so look so rough.. all i got to say is.. the poem is below.. i ain't scurred.. lol things have been funny lately

i miss your energy nee.. imma call you..

syol...email me

love l-e

..so don't fight the feelin'

hard lookin' woman
don't you know this
touch will
make your hard
edges
bend to curve

all the while leaving yo' soul
intact

[insert title here]

copyright 2003 elleleebrown

my hair is black again, i am so pissed off cause the girl that did my hair, really did a fucked up job.. no more dyes for me, i swear. i am about to go cut it.. short and sexy like, if that is possible

-------------------------------------------------------

my fantoni is home, i missed my sis.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

she plays with the beads in the back of my hair, and asks me why i got them there "slim you need to take them off of your head" and she kinda tugged on my baby loc (lmfao) ah its funny, i didn't really find her that cute, but then she took out her cornrows, and i was like whoa.. and she is nice as shit, and her sister, tries to carry the shit out of me, but she ain't winnin, cause i am always one step ahead plus her moms got some serious jokes, .. lol.. comedy i tell you

so j comes up to me yesterday, and was like danielle, we were talking about you yesterday... i am like huh, as a little smirk comes over my face, a couple of minites later, she is like yeah turn around, and she giggles, t was talkin about you yesterday..


whatever.. its just kinda funny..

mr butchies song of the day..

danielleeeeeeeeeeeeeeee tuckeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrr danielleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee tuckerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr you's a muthafuckerrrrrrrrrrr.. my dad is crazy as shit

bout to get my hair cut,

ellelee b

i can worship you

I can worship
You
But I cannot give
You everything.

If you cannot
Adore
This body.

If you cannot
Put your lips
To my
Clear water.

If you cannot
Rub bellies
With
My sun.

alice walker


it's been awhile since i have written here, like about stuff.

its hot as hell in here


where do i begin

yes i have been missing in action.. its been cool as hell though, i just been chillin' sometimes you just gotta find time to get away and relate.. you know what i am saying.. i am helllaaaaaaa single. which is hot, takin time out to do me, lol i twisted my hair up, only to leave one in, so i am working with one loc, lol for the time being, its cool, somebody asked me what it was.. duh.. its a baby-loc, anywho. dooood.. lets see, i saw my roomate from freshman year at morgan, she was like daniellelllelelelelelelelele!!!!, she was surprised to find out that i was "out" so to speak, and said that i had a different air about me, more confidence, more mature, mor edirection, and happy, and go figure, but she was happy to see that i was happy, because that was all that mattered, and she is STILL with tony, they are the cutest couple. ugh i used to hate being in the room when they were in there, lol those were the days tho, about fifty people in the on campus apartment we shared with 6 other girls, chillin' and talking about dumb stuff all night long, almost getting kicked out, i am glad they are over.. heh you live and you learn.

i got some tags made for my handmade things, they messed up on the tags, so instead of saying "elleleebrown handmade" they say "elleleebrown creation," which makes no sense (at least to me when you say it out loud, unless that is when you are saying "what in the elleleebrown creation is that?") unfortunately i couldn't take a picture of ms walkers scarf, but i do have some new things i have made including a sweater, and for some reason i cannot bring myself to make the sleeves.. it is so boring working with one color, but i must finish it, it is a present,

lets see, last night there were some beyoutiful women at borders, i was like wow dood.. anyway.. let me go get some stuff done, i'll be back..

single to mingle
ellelee

meeting ms walker

last night was wonderful! i met sonnia in waldorf, and we headed to virginia to go to the book signing of Absolute Trust in the Goodness of the Earth. it was a good experience, i sat in the audience, finishing the scarf for ms. walker, and she spoke of the impending war, her new book, the importance of recognizing the feminine as central and not marginal, she read her poems, stressed the intimacy of mid-wiferey, and smiled lovely. she greated everyone, and asked if we were all ok, questioning even more if the ones that were standing were ok as well, and proceeded to talk for what was about an hour and a half to two hours. and then to the book signing upstairs in the music room, i was number 89, i stood in line, wondering what i was going to say, and how i was going to say it, when there was really no method, it just flowed..until, i offered her the scarf, which she took with the nicest smile, and the most appreciative thank you, and offered me some chocolates, tell me why i said no thank you, but then she asked me to take them, i was thinking that they were individually wrapped, as if not to be rude, i reached to take one, when i grabbed the whole bag, i placed it back into her hands, because i did not want to take her things, when she reached in her basket and offered me a bottle of merlot, once again i denied, because i didn't want to take the gifts that they had given her.. i went outside to get my camera, because i had so "convieniently" forgotten it in my car, so i was not able to get a picture with ms. walker, but i did take one of her, and then sonnia and i were off to ruby tuesdays.. where she ever so bluntly told me "you are rude as hell." because they had offered me the chocolates and the wine, from one standpoint, and my thinking at the time, i wanted to show my appreciation with the scarf, the gift she had given me were her words, i needed nothing else, besides, the wine and chocolates were given to her... i got out of the line, and this girl was like "ggrrrrrl why didn't you take that" call it fuzzy logic.. however it may be i did not want to take her things, but in hindsight i see that i may have been rude not accepting her offer of kindness, by accepting her gift. i didn't know what to do, she smiled at me so wide, and looked me in my eyes and said "have some chock-lits." i melted.. ha

such is the story of my life, hmm.. so i took a picture, and sonnia took a picture, and we left.

to ms walker if you ever read this, which i highly doubt, i am very sorry for not accepting your gift, i realize how rude i may have seemed, but that was not my intentions, not at all. appeciated your words, and your wisdom.. your stories, i wanted to come back in to apologize to you, but you were busy, and i didn't want to inturrupt the signing..

peace and love elle

gotta

save
your
own
life

ain't nobody gonna save it for you right

original?

lol..... just as much as everyone else.

my new toys


liquid lead pencils, and a new journal for my poetry..

going to play

ellelee.b

toy wishlist, montblanc fountain pen, la vie de boheme zippered planner, those things are so pretty. and oh so expensive.

i think i'll stick with the liquid lead pencils for now.

i hate when that shit happens,

blogger sucks.. i just wrote some stuff..but now it is no more

i fucks with phrenology, i wasn't feeling it until tonight when i was driving home, but i fucks with it, i am going to be mia for a little while longer, i'm working like all day everyday, trying to take some classes this fall.. .. WWWWWUURD.. umm.. ellelee.b.com coming soon, its gonna be cool. damn.. i had some stuff i was going to write but, whatever.. it don't matter..

sonnia's birthday is on wednesday, she wants me to go with her somewhere, i met her momma tonight, she is cool,


remember

the eagle has landed the buffalo has flown..and that is code for, yeah i really know danielle, and i'm not a bill collector.. heh..

fuck them and the paper chase.. which reminds me.. 7/17/02 post

lawsuits
linen suits
fuck you and your
paper chase
cause my soul is
worth more than
money and all of its
evils
so you can burn the
treasury with me in it
and my soul will still
rise beyond my packaged
ashes
my image
and the distinct smell of the burned

so grab your matches
and burn
baby burn



ellelee.b

new email.. sunshine@elleleebrown.com.....

new email.. sunshine@elleleebrown.com.....

i dunno

it's been real wild around here, 2 deaths, both tragic, both unexpected, one taken by the hands of 4 others, the other just slipped away. i've been thinkin alot lately about things.. so i'm am trying to get focused.

blah

something sparked inside of me tonight something sweet

i feel creative.

i've been away, a little out of it, and things have been revolving in my dome, only to continue revolving, with no outlet.. and then i wonder.. and i realize, that this was my main goal for browncrayon, to let this be my outlet.. my space of release.. and i realize the change, and therefore must adjust..

time to get shit moving again..

ellelee.b

tonight is my sun-sun's birthday, 87, she is blessed like the earth dood, beautiful..

two faces of me..


anyway.. we took fantoni back to school today, she gets out of the car and hugs, me and is like, danielle i'mma wear those pants so finish them. i am like rockin' (i got that from this girl amy, it sounds very horrible) that gives me more incentive to finish them and make them so freaking bomb that it makes no sense.. yeah. they are going to be tight, we hung out last night, i was kinda sad to see her go, thats my homie. its all good, i talked to po-p last night, roomate drama as always, her roomate like screams for no reason, its really weird, she also throws herself at the wall but thats another story. so yeah.. i am cool, doing the normal..

2003 off to a good start..
--thats the attitude..

more stuff coming.. i've been poeticking alot lately, i'll post soon

love ellelee.b
peace

ok.. so i've done four hats in the past 24 hours.
a black cloche
a kufi in manos, the same color as the one below W/O brim
a green one the same as the one below

and i am working on some wrist warmers to match the green one.

pictures as soon as i find the batteries for the digital cam

toodles..

hats and scarves and wrist warmers OH MY!!

ellelee.b

made a green hat just like the one below yesterday, i am now working on some pants.. wish me luck.. they are going to b zee-bomb

a tweed cloche
some knickers
and a mini skirt for my sister, she has a thing for mini skirts?

ellelee.b

another introduction to mr alfie baby.. or killer lee if you ask him

alfie is my six year old brother, the one who thinks he is a wrestler and when asked to show you how to dance, will very matter of factly tell you that "this ain't my kind of music," when asked what kind, he calmly refers to the macarena, and will not dance unless it is the macarena. but he doesn't macarena, what dances does he do you ask? he breakdances.. well his own little version.. a gut buster, i tell you, just ask po-p who was laying on the floor in tears when he busted his move..

cute little alfred, who at dinner often tells me that my mouth is so big, that people think its a hole, and start climbing in, has a new thing which involves running around the house telling soph to give him some head, in which she was shocked.. thats not the end of it. he often says shhiiii--------t---oot, to disguise his potty mouth, licks the school bus windows, and has a crazy bad attitude.

alfred gets hair cuts about every two weeks, this is his own attempt at the cutting of his hair..



that is the baddest little boy i know, but he is still my alfie baby.

something i made yesterday sittin' in the cafe listenin to my music.. and reading alice (walker)

i call it earth

oh yeah that is the scarf i did a while back, the extra long joint







because i offered that poem to my sis sonnia, in her time of need, she inspired the hat.

A Woman Is Not A Potted Plant




A woman is not
a potted plant

her roots bound
to the confines
of her house

a woman is not
a potted plant
her leaves trimmed
to the contours
of her sex

a woman is not
a potted plant
her branches
espaliered
against the fences
of her race
her country
her mother
her man

her trained blossom
turning
this way
& that
to follow
the sun
of whoever feeds
and water
her

a woman
is wilderness
unbounded
holding the future
between each breath
walking the earth
only because
she is free
and not creepervine
or tree.

Not even honeysuckle
or bee.

(Alice Walker)

love.elle.lee

i have gotten lost more in the past month, than i have in my entire life, and as thought, there is nothing wrong with being lost, it affords you the opportunity to find your way/something new..

so now i'm singing along with janet's rhythm nation 1814 cd lol

lonely

can it get anymore sadder than this.. lol

fertile ground is my next choice
cause

you take me higher

peace elle

i'm still trying to get the links back up, just been a busy little bee.. i'll be back, anyone know how to install moveable type, or something..

elleleebrown.com neeeeeeeeds help

email me @ sunshine@thatbitch.com

your work is to discover your world. and then with all your heart give yourself to it.
-buddha

sisters of the ya-ya (yam) reunited.

we have been through it, ups and downs, ins and outs, endless laughter and tears, fights(quaters) and reconciliations, struggle, failure and success. etc. she is the one that lifted me when, i failed to lift myself, and vice versa. she has seen me in positions, that i don't want to remember, but have to in order to move forward, that is my sister, forever. nothing changes that. nothing.

it happened on not so fortunate terms, but the universe has a way of balancing itself out. she called because she got lost getting to my house ( i live in the boonies) so i talked to her on my cellphone, as i gathered my things, to meet her, for we had a lot of catching up to do, she drove around the corner, and laughed out loud as she saw my thumb out like i was hitch-hiking, promply stopped her car, got out and hugged me. i miss those hugs. we then drove to my house, and she got out to say hello to my sun sun, and my mom. the talking commenced.

from good times, to bad times, and more good times, we connected again, i returned to her the oglee she left in my room freshman year, and sent with her a pink dog stuffed animal, holding a pink heart bucket, with some pink underwear, with pretty rinestones (they are cute, she loves pink) , i realized our connection was never severed just packed away, as she said "see danielle, you're still in my head, we are here" followed by her thunderous laughter. thats my sis nothing has changed.. but the distance and the frequency of our meetings.

on a broke budget, we picked up my car from the shop and continued on the journey of reconnection, we went to the olive garden, and did the salad and breadsticks thing, followed by seafood, alfredo, and ravioli in alfredo sauce, watching the cold snow accumulate on the car, the warmth of conversation was nice. i got my sister back

i fell asleep before her every night, while trying to do the movie thing, the talking thing, and there were extended periods of laughter and tears, she asked me alot of questions about things, commented on how long my hair got since the last time she saw me (it was about an inch long, as opposed to how she liked it better when it was straight) she skowled at me, mockingly when i told her that "that wasn't me anymore," but nothing has changed i'm a sleepyhead as always. we went out looking for the perfect jewelry for her senior ball, she graduates in may, while i was supposed to be walking the aisle with her, i am so happy for her, it was her that showed faith when no-one else cared. we went shopping for scrap-booking supplies, as both of us have unfinished scrap-books. i can't count the endless inquiries from people asking if she was my friend no, i'm not her girlfriend she responded, but when in the car, she told me that she should have been like yeah i'm her girl.. ha, that brings back memories. she is crazy

i made her a pink scarf on thursday, and she wore it with a smile on her face on friday, she got so many comments on it, she said she was proud that i made it for her, a special reminder of our friendship.

friday night, was dinner, and drinks and movies at arrundel mills, we were going to jillians, but there were so many people, and no bar seating. laughter, with rob our waiter, who was the nicest fellow, who commented on what my lip gloss looked like when the top was flipped.. talk about a ruined appetite. a couple of drinks later, my head was spinning, and we made our way out of the restaurant in search of starbucks and ms fields cookies (which were hard), but not before she asked me if i would date her if she was a lesbian, a question which i left unanswered because she laid my card on the table "oh yeah, you don't do the pursuing, you get persued" which i had never thought about until she said that, because i don't pursue. i don't even dig being persued. i'm more of the "lets just co-exist until something happens, but then again, can we be friends" type of person (lol.. did i say that right?) on that note the bill was paid. and then to the movies, which sucked but that was to be expected. a chick flick? loud singing, on the way home, and more movies, and shopping (window i may add)

this morning she called my name to wake me up because she had to go move into the dorms, i helped her get her things, and packed her a bag of stuff for her trip, and responded with "you're such a good mom, you always were, i'll be home every weekend" we hugged, and she pulled off.

i couldn't help but think that we are sisters even still, where i needed her in my most unbalanced moments, and when her unbalanced times arise, i balance her, as my sister says everyone offers something different to every relationship.

but i think the common ground is the most absolute, and utmost respect for our individual differences, as well as our collective common interests.

elle

arm warmers i'm working on

scarves, arm warmers, scarves and more scarves.. more pictures in a couple of days

my dad has horrible karma, while driving with him going north on 495, a big ass 18 wheelers shackles broke off of the truck and slammed smack dab into my windshield.. they are getting fixed. but i had to break my neck to get them to commit to this. so i've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off, trying to get this stuff done, plus a million other things.. sophie is coming, and sonnia needs me to help her do something tonight.

ALICE WALKER is coming on the 17th of march, i'm making her a hat of noro kueryon.. :) so pysched :)

in the words of sonnia "girl you funny"

who me?
muthafucka please
i ain't interested in your escapades
or your hand maids
talking about how you laid her in the sheets
belive me.. i'm glad you fucked your way to her
heart
but while i thought i was paving a continuous path of communication
you fucked up the equation
with your inconsistant ass
i want nothing more than to be your friend
ain't shit different

when are you going to make the change

i don't give a rats ass?? you be the judge..

pimp got game.. all i got to say is do your thang

--have fun be safe.. whatever

peace and love.

i got the job.. whoo hoo.. 40 people applied 3 got called back, and yours truely is one of the chosen ones.. yep yep.. went to aylyns woolgatherer got some funky thaki yarn the thick thin kind i don't have it with me.. some i don't have the name, some wool manos, some pretty shimmery dk weight, some other stuff. can't remember..

going to wash clothes.. i met the coolest girl today, she majored in photography, and is really helpful. she likes my scarves.. especially the one i was wearing.. (the brown and tan long one i crocheted last month. actually i got alot of comments on it. good good..

bout to go call my folks

talk to yall soon.. ellelee.b

2003..

its the year for me

its been a long time coming.. it ain't over till it's over

Yo, wherever you want to go love'll take you there
Let's go, you know a flower that grow in the ghetto
Know more about survival than the one from fresh meadows
It got love for the sun, that's where I'm coming from
Spit and it's smashing cause the love rockin' over drums
Word, I put my love into my music
If you with me then you love how I do it ..

(Talib Kweli)-love language

eargasms: tonton david "best of" #10 viens (avec n' bee)


#1

sun beams beat my back like
whips being cracked
i'm feeling the heat
while niggas thinkin they free
trying to enslave me by
their devices when i got my own
in the same boat. no?

you shakled to the throne of your kingdom
while i sip on my cup o joe
we all one and the same
only difference. yours is labeled
mine ain't got no name


#2

i'm overcome by the music
and i am fusing it with the funk of my coming
using it to decolonize minds
not that mine is

all the way
but
even i know the most meager attempts
are worth more than their weight in gold
they ain't material worth more than selling
your soul to the highest bidder

let it be known once i get there
i'm diggin us all out

while you hold sentiments
i'm packing up shop
closing the tenements filling
the blocks
occupied in the ghetto of my mind

callllllllllllll me :)

i neeeeeeeeeeeeed to fix elleleebrown.com.... anybody know how to install moveable type...? email me

um.. yesterday i was trippin.. whatever..

damn i'm tired.. she's back, and i missed her, even though shes not back here, i'll be able to talk to her. that will be good :)

friendship is a wonderful thing


aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh..lol dood i am so mad at you, you didn't use my gift card.....(you know what i am talking about)

a letter to your fucking ego (since it means so damn much to you)


fuck you .. fuck you for blaming the shit on me.. fuck you for not wanting my help.. fuck you for yelling at me, fuck you for letting your pride be stronger than love.. fuck you for faking the funk. nah you don't fake the funk you let it be known you hate me..you bear the knife that murders your fucking spirit, you want to die, i heard you call out asking the lord to help you. as you lay down, like you was in some wooden box.. dood fuck you.. i try to fucking understand how you can say the shit you say and do the shit you do.. grown ass man.. fucking grown ass man...fuck you

i hate you so much right now, i shouldn't but you let your fucking pride override your fucking sense.. and embarass the fuck out of me..

i can't believe you did that shit..

fuck you.

yesterday morning carmelie called and woke me up, wishing me a happy new year. that was nice, surprisingly we stayed on the phone for a minute, talking about stuff. they have been wondering where i've been.. incognegro.. right.. so we are talking, and decide to meet in waldorf, to do some looking around. i go to stinkin' verizon to get a new phone, and they inform me that i can't get a new phone, until my service is two months from expiration.. which adds up to 22 months.. or he'll have to charge me full price for the phone.. i'm not paying 300+ dollars for a phone, when i could get it for like 70.. damn.. i am stuck with this piece of shit until... we went to get my oil changed.. let me tell yall.. i let my truck get out of fucking control. i hadn't changed my oil in like 6 months, and my shit is mad junky.. ask j *wink*.. that is so horrible, and my windshied wipers were hanging on for dear life.. i swear when they manufactured my car 2 years ago, they put the shittiest parts on it. anywho, we went to get my oil changed managed to get the rudest lady to be our cashier.. SHE THREW MY MONEY .. AND A PEN, AT ME, so i'm like danilelle calm down, i kept turning around so i wouldn't fucking jump my ass over the counter, cause she was pissing me off. like for real. thats when carmelie went off, i had to check myself, and fucking deal with her.. i know this bitch didn't just- .. i had to calm her ass down, like for real cause she was fucking trippin. so i went to find jay, jay is this cool ass dood, he's the manager, i knew him from back in the day, i was like check your girl, cause her shit is on E.. he was you're not the first to tell me this.. blah blah blah I"ll take care of it.. moral of the story.. he isn't going to do shit. so we went to michaels, and wendys, and a whole rack of other places.. but the weird shit was when i took her to get her car, and she busted out crying. she was like danielle.. i'm going to miss you.. i have never seen this girl cry in her life, she was like man, it ain't the same. then she goes, yeah aint shit gonna change.. she was like yeah nig i still got your number.. lol she is a trip..

blah

i've been sitting here bored out of my damn mind, my sister is watching the lord of the rings.. AGAIN. what is it with this movie that got her stuck. i am not into all that fantasy shit. heh.. i need a good book.

honey pot art for women who love women

their words
drip like droplets
from that fucking faucet
that won't let me rest

like them telling me
dreams aint real, and
how they a waste of time..

whose theirs or mine

so you won't catch me sleeping
to dream


cause it never fails
i always awaken to the reality
that ain't shit real

but dreams

lines are burred, and lost.

it seems as though once again, i have done what it is that i do best, i blur the lines, as if to not recognize them, until i cannot see them anymore.

i've dwindled them down to
nonexistant

i find myself in a strange location , like a back street, i realise i've been here before.

ain't gonna be the same fool twice.


elle

to break the silence..


my sister told me that it took alot of courage to tell him, she would not have told him.

and my tears still roll, sometimes i wonder if those are the only visible signs of emotions that the world may be fit to see from me
my tears rolled as my ears burned because my brain recognized the words, that maliciously left his fire breathing tongue. my ears reconized the words, while my brain delivered the message.. as if to allow me to react the only way that i know..

you don't have to cry she said.. everything is going to be alright.

ma ki da da

thank you.. for being my friend amidst all of the madness..

they say friendship is overrated.. but thats all i need right now. thats all i fucking need.. with no intentions. just.. to be..

why i gotta be this way?

nee..

you can forget about me if you like.. that wasn't directed towards you, i'm sorry that you read it wrong, misconstruing what i wrote, but that wasn't directed at you. i don't know how to say anything to you..

i don't need a girlfriend.. i need a friend, and sometimes i can't see that, like i don't feel comfortable talking to you about somethings, maybe not your fault but i don't feel close like i used to. certain things bother me. i am tired of calling you back.. that sounds harsh but i can't stand that shit.

i am sorry you are feeling sick. like that isn't my intentions to make you that way.. its like i can't handle this anymore.. its been that way for a long time, if i felt that i could call you right now, and tell you that, i would dial the ten digits and put it out there. but i can't.

its up to you if you want to forget me.. if i was you i might forget me too. but i can't continue this..

i need a friend and i don't feel as though i am that to you. when i was going through shit i didn't feel as though i could call you.. like i don't know what else to say. i gave up shit so that i could talk to you, i am fucking digging myself out of that shit.. i resent spending all that money that was for bills and shit, on calling cards, long distant telephone bills... like i dug myself in a hole so that , fucking hear your voice, and when i sound distant, its because i am hurting about stuff i can't express to you, cause you are busy.. busy talking to people you fucking see everyday.... i'm sorry so fucking sorry. for not wanting to call you busy signals come like call me back's frequently.. i can't do this.. my phone gets cut off, i turn it back on, i can't do this anymore. i can't fucking can't.. i went from being sure about this to unsure, and my being unsure and trying to deny the fact that i was unsure, is tearing me up inside..

so much shit i thought i could do with you, but i can't

i love you as a person, i just can't say that i love being in this relationship.. so i know you are mad and upset, but with that comes mine as well

as you say.. i'm inconsistant..

with that said
inconsistantly yours
elle

i tired of wondering where i stand with you.. ttiiiiiirrrreeeedddd.. where i love you's are now replaced with call me backs, and uneasiness, i can't continue this.. it fucks me up like seriously. i don't know if we are the same people anymore. the thing was don't change.. maybe you aren't changing.. maybe i am. maybe i can't handle this. and its been on my mind for sometime now. like i've tried to think positively about the situation, tried to but it hurts more to know in my head and not be able to tell you. its just not working.

i don't feel close.



sorry

its just a fly love song

its time to get the proverbial ball rolling.. something happened yesterday, that was on its way, and being as emotional as i am, i couldn't contain myself any longer, and i lost it, in front of everyone.. but its not what they think that matters, and whats sad is that they think that it is them.. i don't have to fucking live with them for the rest of my life, but i do have to live with myself. i have a personal thing going on. changes need to be made. its like we can walk forward, or take two steps back, and i am up for a good game of hopscotch

how do you hurt so long and just cover it up.. and keep going.. it reminds me of this poem i wrote awhile ago, i never posted it though.. diamond in the rough. ha, sometimes i wonder why i ever stopped writing, how could i pass up some of the most emotional points in my life and not write on it.. speak on it. someone once told me that is my gift to self. i have so many pages strewn across my desk, and the floor surrounding it, when its time, i'll post.


as always ellelee.b


"I've been born again and again, always finding something or someone to love, to win or lose, to mourn or celebrate. Now, with life quieting down around me, I look back through an autumn mind, searching the clear air for the roots of things I watched growing or expiring along the way. Therever my feet have taken me I have found both goodness and pain; and thats all i have to give. I could depart with washed hands, keeping the silence and telling nothing. But i have no secret doors to hide the memories."
--Gordon Parks, To Smile in Autumn

Tracy Chapman
Tracy Chapman (1988)
For You

There're no words to say
No words to convey
This feeling inside I have for you
Deep in my heart
Save from the guards
Of intellect and reason
Leaving me at a loss
For words to express my feelings
Deep in my heart

Look at me losing control
Thinking I had a hold
But with feelings this strong
I'm no longer the master
Of my emotions

ok.. so to put it plainly.. today sucked..

forget it..

carmelie smothered me in a hug, and i cried like a freaking baby. dood. why me.. whyyyyyyyyy me.. shit just seems to happen at the right moments(sarcasm like a muh-fuh.) as if that wasn't enough, a five gallon bottle of water for the water cooler dropped out of my hands and gave the kitchen and myself a cold ass shower. ( including my sun suns christmas cards, i am still hearing about that as we speak) my pants are wet, from crawling on my knees.. i'm cold..

uuuuuuuugggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
frustration..
i so wanted to talk.. so so so sooooooooooooo wanted to talk.... i don't feel right

i don't feel like talking about it here.. i needed to talk but i respect your request.

trying to let you forget about me

going to sleep where i am sane..

peace


*on a brighter note, me and moms went christmas shopping, mostly things for my sister and brothers, what can i say i had to hook them up. finished the long brown scarf, i gave it to carmelie cause she was cold today and didn't have a scarf.. she says it reminds her of me, cause it smells good :)

elleleeb

i don't know what i'm doing.. losing myself in a sea of confusion.. i said i was going to be honest.. but honestly i can't figure it out.
i feel myself slipping.. god.. sometimes i feel as though i make a fool out of love instead of the other way around. i can't speak, for
my words, and feelings cut like a double edge sword. i am split in two. literally. i thought i could keep my cool but i am.. i don't know..

there is something about feelings stretched over acoustic that make them flow-tracy chapman i love you

i am going to take a hot bath maybe it will melt my confusion

fast car-tracy chapman

You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere
Anyplace is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we'll make something
But me myself I got nothing to prove
You got a fast car
And I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
We won't have to drive too far
JUst 'cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living
You see me old man's got a problem
He live with the bottle that's the way it is
He sayshis body's too old for working
I say his body's too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody's got to take care of him
So I quit school and that's what I did
You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way
I remember we wre driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had feeling I could be someone, be someone,
Be someone
You got a fast car
And we go cruising to entertain ourselves
You still ain't got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You'll find work and I'll get promoted
We'll move out of the shelter
Buy a big house and live in the suburbs
You got a fast car
And I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I'd always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans I ain't going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving
You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so you can fly away
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight or live and die this way

things seem so hard when you are trying to figure them out.

i wish i had fortune cookies that had the answer to every question.. and the magic 8 ball has a different answer everytime. haha..

my horoscope for today

critics dig deeper to find what they need to see. by the end of today, no one will be disappointed..

but me.

pouvez-vous me donner quelques indications? ceci repond-il a votre question?

two of like 50 scarves
not done yet
ellelee.b

"I want to make love on Sunday morning with the window open and the curtains flowing in the wind.. I want my cell phone to never ring again unless it's my momma or Pat Parker… I want the floor of my house to be made of sand.. obsidian black sand.. I want incense that lights itself every afternoon before I come home.. I want to be myself.. I want to touch someones naked body without having to have sex with them.. **lemme touch yo body.. hear me call your name**.. I want to look at someones naked body without having to touch them…I need to learn how to paint.. I want to make up a color.. or rename one that the current name of it gives it no justice.. I want to hear a dream.. like a lyfe dream that has nothing to do with money.. but I could use $2,000 dollars right now… I wanna love.. I wanna b loved.. ya hear me.. I want to hear you say yeah…I want to feel you say yeah… lol.. " --you

yeah on your neck. can you feel me now?

i woke up extremely sleepy, but uneasy, cause i need to know where your head is at. which is why i called you back, i'm worried about what may be going on in your head..

your words formed like warm breaths on my neck
soft as the feathers gracing my back
my forgotten wings recognized?
maybe
embraced
yes
i feel more than validation
but love?

230 minutes and counting. i lost track
but where am i walking from/towards
work wit me
can you help me?
how could it be possible for one to incite
that in which you thought you had become immune to
even the most lazy butterfly dreams of free flight
i woke up with the knowing that dreams are true
and these have nothing to do with money.

i want to share my truths with you
so that there is no time for the air to rob them
of their flavor and texture

i hope they taste like one hundred percent pure honey to you



yeah i am trippin.. maybe not.. let me knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww/


sex me so good i go blah blah blah

elleleeb

thank you ms emma for the email.. :) that was very nice of you.

elleleeb.

what is worse than the outside being extremely cold. is the inside being cold. ugh.. snow sucks.

they had been calling for snow, i went to sleep praying that there would be none when i got up. to my dismay at 3:00 i awoke to the most horrible sight in my young life. snow everywhere, all i could muster was a muffled "shit" as i fell back into my pillow, hoping it would just be a bad dream. i got up to the sounds of shovels scraping on the driveway my bad dream now a reality...

so i'm sittin on my bed trying to figure out what i am going to do when, i got the bright idea to go to the store, the craft store. i help my brothers dig out my car, and off i am into the cold. ok my first question is why the hell don't i see any snow plows. the neighborhood is completely covered with snow, as well as the side streets, and the freakin highway. i really dislike snow.. anyway i got alot of yarn.. long drawn out story.. the point was i got the yarn .. safely

discrimination.. at work..

so there was this new girl at work clearly someone after my own heart, we got cool. people started talkin shit, because she discussed her fondness for women about as much as the next man, as he saw women walking past. so she goes home, and they all come to me like "danielle she gay?" i am like damn can yall mind yo business. so this girl was like aye danielle you seen the new girl, i was like yeah, she was like where they get that thing from.. i was like huh, she was like you know how them gay people are. so there is this dude, i really can't stand him, he is a sexual harrasment case waiting to happen.. like 300 years old, trying to talk to everything that got two legs and an ass, so he is like danielle i can't believe this shit, all these gay folks walking around, you see her wanting to be a boy.. i was like whatever she can do what she wants. he goes on teling me that i am sexy, that most young boys wouldn't know how to handle "that" so i start thinkin... nigga. get the fuck out my face. so then i go "nigga get the fuck out of my face" and go on about my business. sooooooooooooooooo the girl comes in and we was all talkin and stuff, and i told her to watch who she fucked with cause these negros was ruthless. she goes on to say it didn't bother her, but i know that shit ate at her shit.... she left right afterwards and hasn't been back since. she called me and told me that she has a suite against the people in question, and against the company since they didn't do shit, about it. its truely a shame that the people that discriminated against this girl, cry discrimination against race all day every damn day, but when this young sista, is gay, they talk shit about her ass all day long, continuing the vicious cycle. i swear some people never learn.. what goes around comes right back the fuck around.. karma is a bitch, i hope it bites them in the ass. and ms lady i got your back, i knowww you readin this.

pictures of the new stuff coming in about two weeks, give me time to make it. lots of colors. loooooooonng scarves.. 2 and a hat!

did anything i say make sense yesterday.. i don't think so..

i sat next to this really cool mom and daughter the other day, i was at borders in the cafe (of course) they were planning their summer trip to south africa for the second time! the sites, the people, she was writing a book.. her life before and after hip hop, a polititians daughter.. a lil brown sugarish.. it was cool, she was talking about having met all these people, their concerts, explorations, herbal meds, she was buying all these books, they were discussing books and it was too cool, her daughter was beyyyyyoooooutiful, baby locs, chubby cheeks, they were all like ooooooooooh, what you making..she kept staring at me.. aaaaaahh..

lol be back in a minute

tired..

sleepy
worn the fuck out
that sums it up..
holla if you hear me

what is up with people eating pig feet,and bowels.. they are funky. ruined my day

thanksgiving was a trip.. margaritas, amaretto and pineapple joose. gary's extremely short girlfriend kim 2feet9inches, she introduced me to gary and kept telling me that he was her boyfriend.. this is my honey pot.. yeah ok.. aunt sharon, and aunt jean laughing @ her, which was so rude, saying that the family couldn't get anymore diverse.. oh yeah did i mention i am gay yall. my aunts sister and her wife "aunt bubba" lol.. they are crazy, micheal and his latest ghetto bunny, troy and his fiance, aunt kay and devin, victor and granddaddy, aunt sharons new boyfriend. everybody asking me if i had a boyfriend.. i just didn't feel like putting it out there..

i told my mom on the 20th yeah.. i'm coming out. she was like ok.. i was like damn.. it was three in the morning, the conversation was about three hours long, the first 2 hours 45 minutes were all " i love you".. me going "you promise" for what.. ugh anyway i finally bust out "mom i'm gay" she was like ok. and i am sitting there thinking.. thats it?.

she was like you happy i was like yeah, and she was like ok.

blah i am gone.

highheeltennisshoes

she don't prescribe to their mental illness
her headwraps remedy any misconceptions
put forth by identity, misconstrued
her mother, her land and her muse
is fused into the funk of her coming

watch out now.

funk.. fonk. how you spell that. fonkay

and queen called by any other name remains
the same

umm..

thanksgiving.. yeah..

well i don't really celebrate the holiday, but i do enjoy spending time with my folks. and them acting crazy as all get out. i hope everyones day is good, enjoy.


elleleebrown..

yesterday i met this dope ass girl.. dope... yeah.. she's dope. cool as fuck, and she is off the fucking chains, had me rollin all night. she thinks she is a thug, but i know she aint. said i am the sweetest girl she ever met (bit of an embellishment i think) she is cool peeps, got me these purple socks with monkeys on them (the monkeys got furry bellies :) we talked forever. this girl was talkin shit, she was like dawg watch your mouth, and when the other girl left i was like dawg watch your mouth. she busted out laughin', like everyone else, she was jokin' on the ill ass vocals. ha, that girl was trippin, she is cool peoples for reala. she was like i hope i see you again. lol.. ca-ca-ca-comedy

revisted.. in the name of sankofa..
---------------------------------------------------

there it goes again
them shouting obsenities in the wind
and i've become windblown

the words of my lover
have become indestinguishable from that
of the occasional passerby
her words no longer leave me with comfort
especially when she asks where my
"revolutionary thinking arose from"
and how i used to be so peaceful and content"
i question if we ever really knew each other
or fell into the need of pacifying
our lonely moments
under the guise of LOVE

-------------------------------------

journey of freedom (love life art)

i've
never really considered
lonliness my token
though i have claimed it many
times before

i finally realized my unknowingness
of the term when i was engaged
in a heart to heart
with an elder
one in which i was told
that the journey of freedom (love life art)
was a lonely one

only then,
did i realize that my l
lonliness wasn't in vain,
or some misused thang
i needed it in order to learn myself
for the journey had been sought after before
by those seeking freedom (love life art)

i've been walking for three days now
my converse worn down
and i still haven't found
what it is that my heart yearns for

so my journey continues on this beaten path
of which i am sure has been driven
many times before

i choose to walk
so that i may be afforded time
to appreciate this gift
of freedom (love life art)

bag slung over my hip
worn out notebook-
not of the new or old, but a
testament of my own-
tattered pages and my
lonely pen
document this journey
of freedom (love life art)
--------------------------------------

peace be unto you

ellelee b.

red hot + riot is the bommmmmmmmmb diggity.. lmao.. peace to the folks..

last night was..

i saw some things i never wanted to see heard some things i aint wanna hear, and for a friend, a pain deeply because her love has been compromised by the one that she love(s)(d). the happiness drained out of her being. his life was almost taken by some dude, because of a selfish act. her anger is deep, and her pain deeper, but i still cannot see how a life, something that isn't yours becomes disposeable, no matter the circumstances. and she wants him to fend for himself, because of the hurt he caused. to the coward who pulled out the gun, that shit was foul, emotions are meant to be carried out, but you was aimed on taking someone out. i need yall to talk on that shit, cause i know it ain't over in the mind, put the peace out, and manifest. i just want yall to put down the guns. need yall to put down the guns. life is too precious.

peace to my sis c

i speak peace into the universe in hopes that she might hear me and manifest.

ellelee.b

your heartbeat
is like them
conjuring the drums
emotional rhythms undenied
by hearts and minds
i feel you through your struggle
and even more through your pain
i love you sis
they don't know the half of it
your best aint even involved in it
i just wanna let you know


be peace.ful, and bless.ed

just some stuff. camo kufi, burgandy purse, and confetti scarf.

i been working on that purse forever, its been sitting, because i was looking for buttons, to put on the zig zagged flap, i found them, so the finished product will be up in a few. still working on the handle.

that is one of those short scarves.. looks cute with a jean jacket.

peace and love
ellelee.b.

"A child of the sun, black my countenance, yet I stand before you in the light of my soul"
--Ira Aldridge

imma kick you in yo' nellies
alfred what are nellies.. he walks away, rolls his eyes, comes back, and looks at my pants
they are balls danielle. i am sure of that.. imma kick you in your balls danielle
me not believing him turns around BAMMM. kicks me and jumps in his bed
goodnight fruitcake

lmao oh yeah

i didn't even realize it was the scarf at first, i was lookin at the faces you were makin, i looked at the one that said i <3 my scarf, i was like hold up now.. thats "the" scarf.. lol you are a cutie pie, the trying 2 b sexy one.. haha too much, so cute,

love elleleebrown

sankofasoaring.

i love my sistas.. though blood is thicker than water.. this water is thick like shit.

i love my sister fantoni. that is my bestest buddy forever, we go through it, and gave each other a hard way to go, when we were younger. we grew in to the feeling of family, and sometimes i didn't know how to say it. but when i called her at school onetime and told her that i loved her, and before hanging up, she offered the same, i knew that all of our arguments weren't in vain.. we survived this crazy ass house together. i miss you. sisters in the heart and in struggle, i love you fantoni boni

and i offer you the jazzyfatnastees, related to me

to my sista syol, my soulsista under the sol

its like we are in an avalanche with no coats, and we need each other to keep warm, and make it through. i feel you so so much, and i am mad as shit that i just responded to your email, and it was lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng, and didn't get sent. the stupid telephone lines, and janky ass connection, can't fuck with the cosmic stuff we got goin on.. i am definitely about to go write you a letter.. ugggggh i am so mad the computer froze when i was sendin you your thang. maybe that was a sign i have been so bad by not written you back sonner. :) love you girly girl. who would'a thunk it, gay pride, and gum, lol i went to the mailbox expectin bills, and i got anotha ray of syolie sunshine :)

spreadin you thick like shit, with warm vanilla sugar, as if i ain't already sweet enough :P thanks honey bunny.. i 'preciates it alot.. socks got me floating on cloulds 9 and seven:)

i love my sista sophia.

after long ass hiatus i reconnected with my girl.. that is my dawg, she screamed in my ear so loud over the phone, i had to look beside myself not to slap her through the phone, cause it was comin... love you soapypia. of course i am coming to your graduation in may.. so you won't have to put out a hit on me, come stay with me over winter break, cause you are always welcome, and you know sun sun loves you to pieces, she is like danielle how is my other grandaughter sophie doing.. love you lots your. smellielle/dansmell

elleleebrown

i have been knitting like crazy, started and finished my first knitted hat last night, all that is left to do is sew up the seam. if i can find some batteries for the digital cam, i will post a picture in a minute, if not, it will be coming soon. i think i've fallen in love, knitting is so neat.

i found two yarn stores within 20 minutes from my house, i live in the boonies, who woulda thunk it. needless to say, i am going to be knitting a whole lot of stuff. renee, antonio, and april, i haven't forgotten about your requests.

yesssssssss.. my camera is back from being repaired at ritz i am so freaking happy it is back, now i can take some pictures.

elleleebrown

this is going to sound weird but alfred is a trip and a half.
syolie you think alfie-baby is cute. his latest conversations entail him talking about how my dog eats testicles. he will let anything come out of his mouth.. you shoulda heard my mom, talking about "i am sure she was eating something alfred, but i don't think it was testicles." .. BUT IT WASSSSSSSSS testicles mom ..comedy. had to be there.

dedication. to my nee nee. i love you still willing to work with it.


i beatboxed on treetops
and ski hops depending
where i was located

burnt bridges the natives
built, but helped to
recreate it, in atempts
to become affiliated with
her.

brown skin curly fro
reminicent of michael in
his early days.
and i picked out my dome
in attempts to be closer
feelin head nods, as i
made my way through
he said hey sista thats
the best fro i seen since
micheal jackson in his prime
he now greets me with the
fist/pick straight up, and
digs the ankh tattoo

me and she
connected. like key limes
and coronas
beats rhymes and sankofa
you gotta learn from the
past in order to grow
and i'm willing
cause thats all my life is worth
living and leaning
passing and burning
realizing truth and
weeding out the un...
your truth like bass beats
and i love as my girl
but more as my friend
so no matter where this
goes i'll love you until the end

love sent

i got 700 mile situation
playing in the background
acting grown exposing emotions
i didn't even know how to twirk yet
and momma said that day would
come when
true emotions will be exposed
i realize this now that i was
reduced to chick status in zero
to 11 days, thirty minutes and some seconds
but see i aint
nobodies boo, mami, or trick
not your down ass bitch
or a chick
and i know you dont see me as that
i see that now
i aint in no tv shows, like mtvs
"real world" but i am in the real world
just danielle
or brown like sistas
spreadin the cocoa on bodies
to enhance their skins complexion
i looked to you for my reflection

bobbin my head to amerie tunes
learning love intensely with you
well as intensely as i could
cause she got a jones for your body,
but i had one for your mind
and what a beautiful one it is

and my position still remains
like the beginning of the summer
late night conversations
to early morning revelations
of secrets and falling
through walls, felt so good
and sometimes i put them
up not to be penetrated
so i am pulling them down
not trying to destruct, the
emotions and feelings involved
even though i make it hard for
we
i just wanna know

why don't we fall in love
again and again and again...


------------------------------------------------


we are the seasons
hot like the fire in the sun
emotional like falls changing
moods
birthing sweet colors
covering our mother
in love beyond imagination
a breath of fresh air

exhale.


they think its death but what do they know

ms jata.. jay-ta (think jada) for those that don't know.. thanks for the love. lol i felt it flowing, you sound so cute :) i'll call you sometime. this time no cheese involved, and no corn being picked from teeth. :P



um.. no need to be nervous its just elleleebrown.. glad your skies turned blue. hope you feel better, i sounded crazy i know.
i'll call you when i can
email you when i get home
lot of talking to do.

Johannesburg here we come.

peace.

i wont be fallin out of anymore cars.. she is a psycho i tell you.. had the nerve to ask me was anything wrong with me when i ignored her ass yesterday. stop the madness..

peace and love- (you say that like you been saying it all your life.. hahaha, that made me laugh.. )

bydie bye

----- Original Message Was:
hopr your day is better than mine. (quite shitty here)


and he says the foundation is tenderness, and sincerity, and i am sincere when i say that in my mind, it would be better to not boggle you with my bullshit. and i am sorry that you are upset, i am too renee, i didn't know how to type it, and maybe i shouldn't have. i feel worthless, not even being able to offer you a phone call. it sucks. but i didn't know how else to put it to you. maybe i am just some chick who had you ascending by yourself. if thats what you think of me now, i am so fucking sorry, that you let me get close to you... what the fuck for, so do you regret that. .. i am not sorry that i let you get as close as i could, i am just sorry that you feel that way, but feel what you feel cause i feel what i feel. whatever..

edit: not to mention the time that i became unsure of you i have said it a million times, you made me feel like shit when i called you and you put me on hold and i fucking heard some girl telling you that she liked you. and when i called you back after the phone became un-busy, you were like don't go, you are going to make me worry. how did you think i felt hearing that shit, like i wasn't worrying. it stays on my mind. i mean, how could you forget your girlfriend was on the phone, to talk to someone else.. not only that but "thats the type i am trying to get away from." talk about feeling like you are ascending alone..

maybe it isn't meant to be, but just to let you know i am hurting too, and it hurt me to know i a just some chick sending you notes, and emails.. i fucking call your ass too, and if i could have been there by your side i would have, bet you think i wouldn't.... and if your day is shitty then mine is fucking diarrhea. and truth be told alot more than not they are shitty, whatever man.. i am really tired my head hurts, i've been crying, but i bet you think i've been over here smiling, trying to tapdance on your heart. whatever man.

fuck it.. i am going to work
peace

Your style's very crummy, that's why you have no money
You always looking bummy, I don't care if you don't love me
Don't try to come before me, unless you are a dummy
Repeat, you'll lose your teeth and I would hate to call you gummy
Rainy or sunny, battle no way, honey
This not a game of Hide-and-Seek, go call ya mummy
It's about get so ugly, and I'ma keep y'all runnin'
Hiding from me, cuz you know you are weak
You ain't sayin' nothin', I keep it jumpin' jumpin'
In your Kenwoods, I'm bumpin' sumthin' in ya trunk'n
You can say I'm buggin', cuz when I come out bustin'
That's why y'all be discussin' who I like and who I'm fuckin'
-missy elliot- funky fresh dressed/under construction

whats up with the drama around here, everybody up in my business trying to figure out, who i am messing with, checking my necklace to see whose name is on the rice, i swear too many people are concerned with the five w's.. lmao

funkyfreshdressedtoimpressandreadytoparty
elleleebrown

i love this verse.

I stretched my arms towards the sky like blades of tall grass
The sun beat between my shoulders like carnival drums
I sat still in hopes that it would help my wings grow
So then I could really be fly
And then she arrived
Like day break inside a railway tunnel
Like the new moon, like a diamond in the mines
Like high noon to a drunkard, sudden
She made my heart beat in a now-now time signature
Her skinny canvas for ultraviolet brushstrokes
She was the sun's painting
She was a deep cognac color
Her eyes sparkled like lights along the new city
She lips pursed as if her breath was too sweet
And full for her mouth to hold
I said, "You are the beautiful, mistress of mathematics."
I said, "For you, I would peel open the clouds like new fruit
And give you lightning and thunder as a dowry
I would make the sky shed all of it's stars like rain
And I would clasp the constellations across your waist
And I would make the heavens your cape
And they would be pleased to cover you
They would be pleased to cover you
May I please, cover you, please"

--love rain (remix) mos def

mittens

poetry in motion, mapping the tears as they run down my face.. at the library and this girl keeps asking me, if i'm ok

i'm emotional like carl
been reduced to "chick" status in
eleven days.....one hour......thirty minutes
never had i intended to put it to you that way
and had no intentions of hurting you
intentions...
never wanted to end it
you quote of my saying i'd never hurt you
and i am sorry that i did that.
but with hurting you
i'd be lying to say that i don't hurt too
you think i enjoy not talking, and that i
had to type that sentence, instead of
speaking it or letting my words express
to you how hurt i was when i was trying
to figure out how to say it. hoping you
wouldn't be hurt but i couldn't formulate
my pain, or my sincerity through words
typed on a screen. it wasn't fun and probably
seemed mean

renee i'm sorry i put you into my box of
confusion, we had dreams of blackplanets
and browncrayons,
latenight to early morning
conversations
and little ones, and that would have both of our traits :)
8 letter word with a symbol, and everybody got one, and i searched
the dictionary under every letter for those eight letters, cause you
was keepin me in suspense, even though i knew it from jump,
and
wondering whats on your mind, and loving to hear everybit
i ascended with you, but i lost my track, and just a few days
before i let you know i loved you, but i bet you doubt just that
cause love don't hurt, or make you cry, but sometimes it does
and dood, i don't wanna say goodbye, i wanna continue this,
its just hard renee, and i am trying, and i don't want you to think of me
as some girl out to break your heart, cause that is so far from what i wanted to be
what i wanted to express to you, i never expected from first connection to breathe
through you, but i feel as though sometimes my breath is lost, and i'm swimming
lost without a life preserver, and resesitation is like a million miles away
and it hurt so much to put it that way , but renee
the only crayon i got is brown, and i color with my emotions, and i want you
in my picture, but you probably don't want to be anymore.i care about you more
than you'll ever know, but i probably hurt you more than you'll ever show.
i want to continue learing love with you, if you'll have me. but if not, maybe we can
talk in a month when you get up here, or maybe you won't want to.

but i'll just put this out there, "friends first" so whichever you choose, keep that in heart
cause i do,

this love thing has got me so messed up. and the fact that you said you've ascended alone
made me think that you think that i wasn't true, because i enjoyed everyminute i spent doing just that
with you, and .. i can't think anymore

but then again, sometimes i question .........
cause i listened to mos def's foundation and you came to mind, more than once, the bright eyed girl he spoke about

The foundation of love, is tenderness
The foundation of love, is sincerity
The foundation of love, is tenderness
The foundation of love


and to love i wanna offer foundation, right now i don't have that. you say we got each other, but my insecurites weigh heavy on my heart, and i sincerely don't want to expose that to you, i wish i could explain it to make you understand. but it usually comes out wrong. and sometimes the telephone is the middle man, and i hate negotiating through it, and i just wish i could be with you........

Beautiful bright eyed girl
Darling let me hold you close
Shine just like the eastern star
Wanna be near to where you are, baby
Beautiful bright eyed girl
Hear me sing my song to you, baby yeah
Shine just like the eastern star
I got so much love-
I wanna give it [give] give it [give] give it to you
I wanna give it [give] give it [give] give it to you
I wanna give it [give] give it [give] give it to you
I wanna give it [give] give it to you
So freely
So freely, baby

The foundation of love, is tenderness
The foundation of love, is sincerity

How will you build this house, she asked
And I said, carefully
Intention is all of life
Like clarity is all of sight
Intention is all of life
It ain't pure then it can't be right
Where is your heart, she asked
I told her, open your hands
Open your hands, open your hands

Beautiful bright eyed girl
Darling let me hold you close
Shine just like the eastern star
Wanna be near to where you are, baby
Beautiful bright eyed girl
Hear me sing my song to you, oooo
Shine just like the eastern star
I got so much love-
I wanna give it, give it [give] give it to you
I wanna give it [give] give it [give] give it to you
I wanna give it [give] give it [give] give it to you
I wanna give it [give] give it to you
So freely, love you so completely, baby
So freely, love you so completely, baby yeah
Hear me

The foundation of love, is tenderness
The foundation of love, is sincerity

Wanna build my house on solid ground
To make it strong so that you'll stay around
I wanna build my house on solid ground
To make it strong so that you'll stay [stay around]
That you'll stay, that you'll stay

Beautiful bright eyed girl
Let me hold you close to me, baby yeah
Shine like eastern star
Wanna be near to where you are, baby
Beautiful bright eyed girl
Hear me sing my song to you, baby yeah
Shine just like the eastern star
I got so much love-
I wanna give it, give it, give it to you
I wanna give it [give] give it, give it to you
I wanna give it [give] give it [give] give it to you
I wanna give it [give] give it [give] give it to you
I wanna give it, give it [give] give it to you
I wanna give it, give it, give it to you
I wanna give it, give it, give it to you
I wanna give it, give it to you

i don't know what you'll think when you see this. and i don't know what else to say
talk to me

i feel (upside down.) the only thing going on is this sweater i am knitting for my dog, and surprisingly its coming out alright.
.

love.. elle

blah blah blah

the librarys atmosphere is not conducive to my poetic creativeness, i cannot think

sometimes when i write i just stop cause i over analyze my shit until it is like meticulously just wrong.

i get paid tomorrow i will be broke tomorrow .. aint that a ... i am in the library, cause a chick has 0 computer usage at home, with three computers.. aint that a ... i am on my way to the store so that i can return this bomb ass rug that matches my tattoo, cause i need shampoo and conditioner aint that a .... beyotch

ellelee brown

Honesty

I got body issues. I really and truly do. It’s a funny thing really, but I can’t stand myself sometimes, I am indeed my own worst critic, and sometimes I kick myself for being that way, I suppose this is the reason that I cannot allow another but so far into me.. I got issues with self love

i ain't right.. lmao.. dood, i was like what the hell did i just do, after i pressed send, that whole email was jibberish and shit like that, i don't even know about myself sometimes *wink*

we are the seasons

i got it . i got it . i got it .
i got it and remembered bottoms up
syolie ms lady i got it.

thank you a billion, no one has ever been so nice. it smelt so good, i love my books (does your mama know?, you can't hold a good woman down), and i been fannin the pages, so that i could smell the sweet smells, when i go somewhere with out them. lol i been making everybody smell the books. they think i am crazy but they can kiss my booty.

love is a beautiful woman- i noticed the note on the box of nagchampa. you must be love :) girl i haven't seen so many incense in my life, unless they was hangin on the shelf in the store
but girl...
its the smell of happiness . rose . love . oneheart . patchouli . musk . sandalwood . rainforest . revitalize . euphoria . uplifting . energize . nag champa . aloe vera . chamomile . bergamont . lavender.
that lets me know what i wrote was true.

that little wooden box is the hotness, i fell in love with that thing, and was scared to open it, cause that is so me. dood.. i was like yay. haha, and when i opened it and saw the bag of chamomile buds, and the 100 % pure honey, and the little tea strainer, and the coffee. i was too through with you, i have had a cup of chamomile and honey everyday now, its my little syolie moment, my inspiration, girl i be ridin' in the car listenin to the music, drinkin my tea, and thinkin poetry. thank you so freaking much. and the coffee candle, and the card, and the stickers, and the two letters. thank you ms syolie sunshine. ahem.. i mean ms poetess :)

i'd be lead? awww shucky now, i would drop everything to see that go down jata. that is so happening in the NEAR future, it ain't even a dream thats fo'real. they think its death but what do they know !

i appreciate you so much. and thats word.

i small talk
big intentions
through megaphones
holla if you hear me

so when they finally
crystalize and form
truth undenied you
can't say i aint warn
you
don't even try it....................................................

the other night, while channel surfing, i stumbled upon the caroline rhea show. not something i would normally watch, but as it (the show) was going to commercial break, i saw that tracy chapman, was going to be on, singing. so i flipped the channels, making sure to check back when i thought the show was on, when i saw her there, with her locs pulled back, into a ponytail, and a smile from ear to ear, as she sang. more than the qaulities that a person would find aesthetically pleasing, i stared transfixed at her wonderfully defined dimples, at first, into her beautiful cheeks, white smile, and her forehead, her hands were so beautiful.. but her dimples left a lasting imprint on me, and couldn't help but crack a smile, her dimples are so unforgiving and incredibly sexy. from the folky voice that i had fallin in love with while a little girl, as my dad would listen to her, on our drives to wherever, it was that we were headed, i became in touch again with a voice, and a wonderfully beautiful woman, that i wouldn't say i had forgotten about, i just hadn't paid as much attention to, as i matured through my different stages, of girlhoood, genres of music, styles and into the sometimes unforgiving task of of being a woman in todays society. she has endured all of these things, not to mention the music business. i believe that she personifies a strength that cannot be denied, from her debut tracy chapman, to crossroads, and new beginings (the albums which i own) i find her journey beautiful, and her albums, a wonderful passage into her life..
she is so beautiful to me.. i've seen heaven!
Like heaven and floating on clouds nine,/ And seven / My lucky charm she be..(from "love is a beautiful black woman")
thats what i am talking about.


About Inspiration: "I'm inspired by things I read, I'm inspired by people I meet, I'm inspired by thinking about the world and the potential - and the sometimes lack of potential - there sometimes seems to be." Tracy Chapman

About Religion: "I don't consider myself a religious person […] I find religion interesting. I don't belong to any particular religious domination. But they deal with the Big Questions [of life and death] so it's of interest to me." Tracy Chapman

elleleebrown

everytime i see sole, she has on a pink velour sweatsuit. with a bucket cap, pulled ever so inconspicuously over her eyes, her daughters are the cutest, and i think that she is pregnant again. its funny how when everybody sees her, they are like ooooooooooooooooooh and aaaaaaaaaaah.. she is a normal person..

now if meshell walked into my job .. that'd be a totally different story.
nah, i'd just be like wow, thats cool

um.. i don't know what that was about just a thought

i've traced the lines
you left behind
so many times now
that i can mimic you
perfectly
i imagine my fingers
the finest of brushes
as i gather your every
nook and cranny
and situate them on paper
i replay you instantly
and on a moments notice
i'm loving you subliminally
while i paint you
from the depths of my
memory

i was watching this show on howard university television, and it was interviewing two graduates from the theatre and production programs, i can't recall their names for the life of me. dood i was glued to the tv, they shed alot of knowledge, i wish i would have written some of it down, they said something like if you wish to be at peace with your craft, you have to be at peace with the good and the bad. and understand that you are a vessel, which i truely believe cause it comes from seemingly nowhere, and it flows through me. it ain't mine, it just is, i know the poetry on my site is nonexistant but i got it all on a disk somewhere, waiting to be uploaded. they also said that it is a constant wheel and how good you are at the bottom of your wheel determines how good you will be at the top. right now i suppose i am at the bottom, but i need to become better at it. because the wheel is turning, and the top is in the picture definitely, i am constantly learning myself and my craft.

damn damn damn.. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.. stuff is hectic.. lovin yall, be back in awhile
syolie glad you got it.. lol i was like look at all this shit, she gonna think i'm a crazy lady.

i had a conversation with my play momma she is the bestest, always lovin me regardless of whatever is going on. and she will fuck u up if you mess wit me. she was telling me about somethings that she noticed lately, and said she was trying to figure out what was up, cause we usually click, but she said lately i have had an attitude. it aint that i have an attitude i just got shit on my mind, we talked about it, and she understands. sometimes i just wish that my mom would understand stuff. anyways.. this girl was like i called your phone and you were like "peace and love" and that aint you.. she busts out laughing. i was like whateva man. i don't fuck with that many people out here, and the ones that i do talk don't really know me.. fuck them, thats the kind of shit i am trying to get away from all these closed minded individuals.

going to take a bath
calgon take me away
elle


i don't have much to say, except peace and love.

you know the rest. soon as i figure the site out it will be up. currently trying to get enough time to install moveable type, and all the sectional stuff together. the content.. i guess. it isn't going to be much.. meager yanno..

elleleebrown.com is mine.. all mine (currently waiting on the confirmation email. up to 24 hours) :) i will be installing moveabletype, i am so happy. been trying to get a place where i could feel free to post my poetry, and writings, that was all my own. my personal space. in addition to my new poetry and journal, i will be including links to my past poetry, including, my daily musings in brown
i registered with godaddy, and my host is ipowerweb i will be setting up in a few days, so be on the lookout, because elleleebrown is where i'm going to be all going to be

so that will be my new home :) if anyone has any suggestions, or help with installing moveable type, or any suggestions for elleleebrown-dot-com.. let me know

love
ellelee brown

my daddy talkin about going to sleep early so that he can wake up and go catch the sniper.

singing songs in the key of life with stevie
chantin lets get free with dead prez

holla if ya hear me

if i feel it i feel it if i don't i don't, if it aint really real then i probably wont-its bigger than hip hop (dp)

---
color in the lines, as long as you make your own
...


she passed the seed
fertilized the dream
birthing a bittersweet reality
that the world of today aint
no place for an impressionable mind

a society
of blind leading
blind
to mute
she strove to find
common ground between human nature
and bogus intentions
posed as righteous intervention
a system made to keep you
down


blah
... i suck lately.

boom shaka lack

i just to say that shit all the time.. how are yall doing, danielle is all gravy.. chillin, living learnin.. i am good.

sunshine and blue skies
thats all i gotta offer you
baby
sunshine and blue skies.

my head is hurtin like whoa, i am about to hit up the tylenol, and i don't even mess with medicine like that. . jata gurol i got the letter, awwwwwwwwwwww thanks alot. my momma was like lemme see. :) i was cheesin up a storm.

sending yours tomorrow i gotta go

yall i am going to get a site.. elleleebrown.com... thats all me..

love yall like sunshine and blue skies

they murder my mindstate
on a day to day basis.

its like i can't tell the difference between real and fake
everything is blurred and i am tired of people that " care"
about me, continue telling me that i am a failure.

i just need to be alone,
i am so upset

i am doing shit i said i would never do

i'm sorry for being so distanced. i held onto something that maybe i shouldnt have. i am sorry dood. i am just going through it in every direction and i am confused. i am crying. i am mad at myself, because i say/type shit that i don't think out first, i let my emotions get the best of me, and i hold things in when i should really be talkin about them to someone. someone that i care about, someone that i am always thinkin about, and someone that makes me happy when i hear her voice. dood i am sorry so fucking sorry for being an ass. maybe i am the one that is growing apart, and you told me that you don't mind and that no one is perfect, and thats where we got each other, but it is so hard for me to accept that. because you shouldn't have to deal with my fucked up emotions. but you care for me, so why can't i let you in. i told you i wouldn't say/do anything to hurt you. but i feel as though that is what i am doing. and it hurts me to feel that way, and therefore i don't want it to continue. as soon as i started to really care for you/love you i started pulling away. and thats not fair for you. you need someone to love you right. i don't know if i am able to do that for you right now.

i got so much shit spinnin in my dome, and i don't even know why. i just wanna hold your hand. something talk to you, but i can't make it down there any time soon. shit aint right.

princess
elleleebrown

jnf didnt send yet.. trying to sort stuff out, its comin though..


i feel blah

elle

i am so freaking blown man.. blown.. my telephone is cut off like and i can't reach the outside world.. man.. oh well

on k's tongue ring she took it out the next day, there was this white stuff coming out, and it was bleeding really bad. it took 5 people to hold her down, her mouth open, and her tongue out, plus some pliers.. man i felt so bad for her, she doesnt want to go back and show them what they did... she is all hysterical and stuff. and i was like calm down. i dunno

i been listening to floetry. inspiration like whoaaa. i dig them.. hey you is one of my favorites. i can't sing, but i sure be trying. wouldn't you like to be the fly on the wall

i realize yesterday i was writing out of frustration and i don't like that. but i am frustrated now..

so if you feel the need to talk to me, or want to, or whatever

email.. or whatever..

bye

i don't got money for trips
to take sips of crys
or for the damn doctors bill

where is the free love..
why are my pockets empty

i ain't made of phonecards
though at one point in time
they offered me stock options
cause i bought them out
like most people do bars

fuccccccccccccccccccck.. this shit is so fucking uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

syolie... smile for me
your package is on the way

i am going to my room to listen to meshell
all the way up
maybe the bass beats will burn my ears or something

i need to feel loved

peace

this aint a poem.. just writing frustrations

i planned to grow with you
but i feel us growing apart
you say i have no intention
to follow,
calling you back
but damn a chick is going
broke doing just that

holding to carry conversations
and a salty tone when i gotta
call back once again to let you
know i am still holding the phone
and then again i still call you back

this is disheartening me
cause it was bomb in the beginning
and we started the acension
and then i suspended
my previous intentions of learning love with you
and its long term cause
hearing someone
else tell you how much she dug
your presence
and i couldn't say the same
made my understanding of you
wane
and not to mention that was one
of those times i held waiting
for your reply
and i questioned cupids aim
when he hit me with the bow
and arrow
stuck straight in my ass

and i now wonder why it hurts so bad
when i am sitting silently with you on
the other end
talkin bout november and january
when i know it cant happen, and
it aint happening cause shit aint
all that pretty
and if emotions are elastic
and i got them
i beez dat
i am going broke
trying to love you
i need to understand
you

and i wonder if i do..

you are a beautiful person
but i don't know where this
is going
my brain is spinning in a circuitous motion
not of the ceiling fan to the right
but moreso of the angel struck
from flight
trying to find a safe place to land
could it be back into your hands

let me know the deal

i woulda called you to tell you how i feel
but i can't call you
i just got a phone call that said my service would be suspended
until further notice as soon as i hung up the reciever..
so i'll holla..
and i hope you hear me



peace


eeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

confession- alice walker

all winter long
i've borne the knife that presses
without ceasing
against my heart
despising lies
i have told everyone
the truth:
the truth is killing me


reassurance-alice walker

i must love the questions
themselves
as rilke said
like the locked rooms
full of treasure
to which my blind
and groping key
does not yet fit.

and await the answers
as unsealed
letters
mailed with dubious intent
and written in very foreign
tongue

and in the hourly making
of myself
no thought of time
to force, to squeeze
the space
i grow into.

subconciously
caught on your
memory

we sat exchanging notes
and she asked
if my love of today was
my first
i couldn't answer because
at one time you were
but now hers
and then your lips parted
to meet
i couldn't help but make a face
that i hope yall aint see
cause i once wished more than
anything those lips would be mine
entertwined with yours
i felt betrayed and lost
but at my own cost
cause at one point i loved you
more than love itself
but i was young and dumb
and didn't know how to show you
and it continued to grow uneasy
and even today i can't look at you
straight
and i think you feel it too
cause when i see yall together
it hurts me to know that you knew
i loved you, and probably know
i still do, somwhere in there
my heart cries with tears
the manifestation
i cried for you many nights
and days
but you didn't care

so i told yall i would holla
and left you in the parking lot
exchanging verbals
as i drove away
my mind wandered
on the coulda's and woulda's
but i'm happy for yall
cause she is better
for you
than i can be
i just hope you treat her better
than me
keep it fresh
and drama free

oh god.. why me .. memories.. :(

jata-syolie i think you gave me your cold

i was up at three o'clock this morning walking around in my underwear looking for tea. when i say that i am miserable yall.. thats exactly what i mean. where i should have gotten like 9 hours of sleep, i barely feel as though i got a measly one. i kept waking up from my dancing with the covers every time something hit the floor, bell, and alice, my journal, and pens, magazines, and the stuff i gotta send in the mail tomorrow.. damn my immune system is shot to hell, and i am kicking myself for letting the daily grind become oh so lackluster, that i have forgotten how to take care of myself. its like the same stale ass coffee grounds from yesterday/last week/year being reused for your daily cup of joe, the taste gets worse everyday. its moldy around here

i been cleaning up my room for months.. ha.. washing clothes, my nose is running, i don't feel like being bothered, but yet people insist. and i find this funny because, you are expected to be happy go lucky for fucking ever, and when you are having a bad day, people feel the need to point that shit out "danielle are you on your period or something?" why can't i just have a bad day, sometimes you don't feel like smilin all the time, kissing everyones ass with a hello.. when you would really rather say fuck you.

i went with k to get her tongue pierced yesterday, and dood i think that my hand still has her nail prints, along with her handprint in white, where she squeezed the blood to my finger tips.. i think i was in more pain that her. she cried. like for real, the dood got all mad, he was like damn you are messing me up, had to take the clamps off. they were all laughing.. that shit wasn't right.

went to borders and sat in the cafe drinking my rootbeer meldown, when this lady walks up and she was staring at me like i stole something. so i looked up at her, and then continued listenin to my music and writing. she sat down beside me, like 5 minutes later, she slipped out of her chair, tapped me on my shoulder, and passed me a paper. i was like thank you, and didn't pay that much attention to it, she was selling some paintings. i didn't notice until later that there was a note on the back of the brochure. call me, i'd really be intersted in talking.. lmao she kept shaking her leg and shit.. lol funny i tell ya, just had to see it.


peace

cold..

damn i have been mia for a minute.

applying for new jobs, writing maaaaaaaad letters, and trying to find some peace of mind, but it's cold in here so my mind is trying to find warmth from the frigid weather.. i mean one minute its cool, the next i got kleenex stretched from my bed to the desk and in between.

spent some time at borders looking at the books and cds. i got floetry and brown sugar.. saw brown sugar with my sister. it was tight, feelin it. man halway through they turned up the air and i think thats where my cold spawned from

found some local publishing houses, and i am going to try to submit some poetry to them.


on another note
----------------------------

poem # 3
sonia sanchez

I gather up

each sound

you left behind

and stretch them

on our bed.

each nite

I breathe you

and become high.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
not our bed but our room
two beds
one room

i held onto to your memory for months
almost a year until i recieved the message
you were comin back into town
you left me a message on my cellphone
one which i still have
its been in the archives for 6 months
and i resave it every thirtydays
so that i can hold onto you longer

because i stretch those words
to infinity and i talk to you even when you
can't hear
me

argonne building b apt 202 room two
two beds
one room

when i first layed eyes on you
i was like this girl is special
i knew that you could offer me
a sisterhood i wouldn't want to break
and i still don't

but i wonder where you are in the silent
moments and even moreso when you
say things aren't going that well
only time will tell

i just hope you know i still care
and got your back. call me email me
let me know whats up

love sent ellelee brown

peace yall.. the sniper has struck again, and this world is growing crazier everyday. can yall believe that shit.. the middle schooler got shot like 20 minutes from my house, and his mom works with my dad.. thats wild.

i just been writing. and stuff like that and ms syolie-jata-nataki-free-as-a-birds-outstretched-wings-flying-over-magnolia-trees-.. i love ya thanks for the poem and guess what.. i got you a little baby tape dispenser.. and its green.. :) hehe.. details in an email soon to follow.
i said momma can i have a green one too :) she was like yeah girl get out of my face. lol

haha.. anyway. yall my sister is coming home for the weekend today, i am so freaking happy.. thats my dawg.. i got her this little dali lama calender, cause thats her husband.. my sister is like the coolest person ever, and her little notes, when you are down are the bestest. love you fantoni


feed esther feed esther

journey of freedom (love life art)

i've
never really considered
lonliness my token
though i have claimed it many
times before

i finally realized my unknowingness
of the term when i was engaged
in a heart to heart
with an elder
one in which i was told
that the journey of freedom (love life art)
was a lonely one

only then,
did i realize that my l
lonliness wasn't in vain,
or some misused thang
i needed it in order to learn myself
for the journey had been sought after before
by those seeking freedom (love life art)

i've been walking for three days now
my converse worn down
and i still haven't found
what it is that my heart yearns for

so my journey continues on this beaten path
of which i am sure has been driven
many times before

i choose to walk
so that i may be afforded time
to appreciate this gift
of freedom (love life art)

bag slung over my hip
worn out notebook-
not of the new or old, but a
testament of my own-
tattered pages and my
lonely pen
document this journey
of freedom (love life art)

--------------------------------

there it goes again
them shouting obsenities in the wind
and i've become windblown

the words of my lover
have become indestinguishable from that
of the occasional passerby
her words no longer leave me with comfort
especially when she asks where my
"revolutionary thinking arose from"
and how i used to be so peaceful and content"
i question if we ever really knew each other
or fell into the need of pacifying
our lonely moments
under the guise of LOVE

i have never been so tired in my whole freaking life.. ugh.. but i have missed writing on here, i just haven't felt as though i had anything to say of any worth lately.. just been chillin yah know.

thinkin about entering the clubpheline poetry contest for oct/nov.. wish me luck..


writing..

the other day i got an email from don weise, one of the Black Like Us editors "a personal thanks " because he saw the book mentioned in my entries.. now how funky is that. actually i never really imagined that i would get a personal thank you, the book was a thank you all in its own right. but as i have said many times before this book is really nice, you all go out and buy the book.. tell them danielle sent you.. :)

its cold as shit in here, and all i can think about is the warmth between my sheets, i think i might go take a nap or something.

loving (yall) like a freestyle of the
top of my dome
and even though r kellys fucking you tonight
is cool and all i don't wanna
break the zone
and feel on your booty

your boo-ooh-ty

just a quick note, i have been busy playing trading spaces with my room, rearranging, cleaning, throwing away, and more reading. i think that i have done more reading than cleaning in the past few days.. and it has proven type lovely.. trying to save for classes in january..

if you get the chance.. check this out--->sajjad ali i was put onto it by this guy.. crigh.. its hot, turn up your speakers..

love.

i'll be back..

ms andi.. how are you doing lady, and bukky.. people watching sounds like fun.. lol i'd probably watch you or something like that.. ooops did i say that outloud :P

inconsistency......consistency
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
can't grasp hold of direction
blatently positioned in a stance of insecurity
tried searching for the brain of your thoughts
lost in a sea of concentration
to fall into the spand of inconsistent mannerisms
flustered into a spontaneous combustion
hushed myself to question the consumption
of your melloncholly drunkeness
seems when you love so much
and can't identify the source of reluctantcy
it hurts to attach yourself to the potentcy
of elastic emotions
that spring forth and back
without destination
i'm being honest
as my head spins in this circular rotation
similar to the ceiling fan to the right
can't imagine what flight has removed the joy in your voice
that reigned high about ten minutes ago
suddenly turning into "let me call you back"
with very little reason to follow

--eljamah
i stumbled upon your post.. and here is mine..

"where's the foreplay"

it ain't that i wasn't going to call you back, i was but
i am wornout, and tired.. in any order you wish cause no matter which
one you pick.. the outcome is still the same
i had every intention to call you back, but i have "little reason to follow"?
or did you mean little intention.. there's a difference.. haha that line got me trippin
cause i won't if you don't.. let me know the deal
and i was on the verge of tears, so why let you hear
i mean.. if my emotions are elastic, then in your eyes that must be one
but not as potent as the others.. which might be?
and i cried myself to sleep, i suppose you wanted to hear me in my honest moment
i didn't even want to hear that shit, so i covered my ears, which only seemed to intensify the muffled sadness
and when i finally shut my eyes, i heard my wake up call
here's to another bullshit/day/afternoon/evening/night
which just might
be why i am drunk on melancholly, this meloncholly madness
and maybe i got emotions like elastic cause i damn near stretch them north east west and south, trying
let it be known that i do care, and i told myself that when and if i ever ran out, i would pull every last piece out of
my clothing, to make it better, or lasting.. or stronger not to bounce back and forth
because if i don't know anything, i know that, you don't want it too tight, but yet, you want it to fit right
but is the length right?
even when my phonecalls aren't as frequent and long as they used to be
and when i told you i loved you.. i ain't never lied, but i suppose you don't agree?
and while i search for the brain of my own damn thoughts.. i can't compete with the static on the other end, or the three and four conversations held with another
or 15, 20, 35, 45, 1 hour "call me backs" when i try to reach you..
call me back.. i hesitate to dial those digits, everytime not cause i don't care for you
but cause silence proves to magnify, until it is muting.
but i am sure you get static too..right?
and i can't speak of rainbows, and butterflies and flights to football games that don't interest me
if i am taking a flight anywhere it would be to spend time with you.
but i question if that would work, which is why i stated nervousness of january and the whole
whoop-ti-do
i dunno dood
"this is my girlfriend.. my future wife" ?
while you asked me if you could make love to my mind, and i misheard you say mom
i wondered why you had to ask me
and didn't proceed with the action
and if you didn't notice the tittle was my answer to that question
but since i am inconsistant/consistant..
i'll let you be the judge..
whats your reaction?


danielle

aww man.. audre lorde.. i have been glued to your words.. and the new spelling of your name is zami.. but i spell it L-O-V-E..

dood..reading is fundamental.. i am starting on in search of our mothers gardens now..

i know the links are all fudged.. but its all gravy.. cause they will be fixed soon

love danielle

talk to yall folks like tomorrow or something..

elle

this pink is so pretty.. i am brown indeed but pink is lov-er-ly

i just had a WEIRDass dream and i wasn't comfortable sleeping last night, i was tossing and turning, and turning and turning..

the dream consited of me sitting in some gym somewhere.. i saw alot of people from my past.. and they all kinda looked at me funny, anyway there was some weird ass contest going on, where these girls had on like shorts and a shirt and you had to guess what was under it, they would pick like one person out of the audience.. and if you was right, you got forty dollars... needless to say there was alot of nekkidness for my virgin eyes/mind (lmao) anyway yall i was guessin up a storm cause you know a chick is broke right. my cousin was there with his ghetto bunny, and i was like dawg, i thought you didn't mess with that hoochie mama no mo', her hair was made of cake, and it was in this clear takeout container, i was just looking in awe cause whoever ate that shit tore the fuck out of it, it had all these fork marks, and when she reached up to smooth her hair, she was rubbing the plastic box.. weird.. she offered me a fork.. i was like hell naw heffa, they already took a bite out of crime.. (she is real trifeling, tellin doods that when they give her their number to stick it down her shirt.. and thats just the PG rating) anyway.. the dream continued, and all of a sudden there was this dood singing in the corner, he had a mic, and he was singin songs.. like 30 and forty years old everybody was grooving at first, and then they just got up and started leaving..he was screaming WAAAAAAAAAIT don't go, talking about how he was in therapy and making jokes, saying that he would have never thought we would have had a contest like that..needless to say everybody stopped walking out and started dancing again. so then this girl with a big ass hairdo sat in front of me, she was leaning back all hard on me and her hair was hitting me in the face.. i was like damn

then i woke up all uncomfortable thinkin.. out of all the dreams i probably have.. why i gotta remember this bullshit

actually i was laughing like shit.. thinking what the fuck.. how the mind wanders when it is free, and it don't gotta deal with what you wanna think..

where's that dream dictionary..
elle

you should be ashamed of yourself he said

and i thought how easy it was for another to pinpoint a shame not of their own...

and i laughed because

the presence of my coming is wonderful
i am just noticing my coming has presence

can you understand me..

i will not be shamed by your own shame..

i embrace that which i cannot change and will not
for the journey is the destination and the reward..

benefits i shall reap are priceless.

i love you all with heart
and brown feelings.

i am now reading zami, by audre lorde (along with in search of our mothers gardens, by alice walker, along with anything we love can be saved, also by walker), she is a wonderful writer, and i kick myself for overlooking her book, and her wonderful writing everytime that i went to the bookstore, for some more mind stimulation, since i seem to get it nowhere else. i fell into the book literally, and i have been reading it all morning.

i am doing something that i have never done before, and am at the public library writing my thoughts, i cannot help but feel a sense of uneasyness, for i am in a room with all four walls made of glass, 6 computers, and three other people. there are people all around the room looking over shoulders and shelves and possibly into my life.. i can't help but feel a sense of liberation/uneasiness once again.. all of these people are white, and my two afro puffs, along with my camoflauge headband can't help but stick out.. i am not racist, and some of my favorite people are white, i am just stating my surroundings.. there is this girl behind me and she is competing with me, i guess trying to see if her keys will be faster and louder as mine, while i type my words on this screen

i am sitting here in this room and i left my starbucks cup at the information desk, the librarian looked at me as if i had commited a cardinal sin, of course i know that you are not supposed to bring food or drink into the library but i didn't want my mocha frapachino to melt in my car, it wouldn't have done the purchase of it much justice, it sitting up there isn't doing it justice either, i can only imagine the things that happen to the drinks left behind at the desk, the unmentionable things that happen to the ones left behind..

the lab will be closing in three minutes.. not much time to put what i was going to here.. i am not used to the limitations of using somebody elses computer..

i suppose that i will verse with you all when i get a computer or sooner if i can.. peace and love..

yes indias cd is wonderful, and that is indeed a picture of me, young, and no i did not see her on letterman, though i wish that i could have..my tv is broken and i cannot watch it..

i am sending you all love because that is all i have

elle

ooh.. i am getting black like us and the voyage to india: india arie

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh that is so lovely

its the little things indeed

have you ever been in a funk.. that you can't seem to shake

yesterday i was in a funk, and i realized that most of the time when a funk comes down, the instant i pull out a cd, the music relieves all the funk and makes it funky..

i cleansed the toxic place most folks call their temple
and i feel fresh
i cleaned my room
i made my bed, fresh linens
hospital corners yall.. WHAT YOU KNOW BOUT DEM HOSPITAL CORNERS?

and i danced with the smoke of the incense

my funk wasn't blue no mo'

it was brown..

i love in brown..
i feel in brown
i am brown

(ps.. i know you think you are making a fool of me.. but i will have you know, that i know your game.. playa playa.. and it ain't love..cause if it was.. i would feel brown when you speak to me instead i feel dirty cause tainted shit is what you offer)

love danielle

going to get my copy of black like us.. i salivated over it last week as i sat in borders listening to juliarose play her guitar, and today it shall be mine.. a whopping 30 dollars..

love elle

starbucks:)
borders:)
gas station:)
work :(

mother tongue is at the black cat tonight.. and for some reason i feel extremely gutsy, like i wanna go read something, and if not read marvel in the magnificence, of all that damn talent.. i don't know how to get there, but thats why there is mapquest..

and damn i want to read.. but i am so freaking broke yall

dood.. shit gotta get better than this

anyways.. i am going to look for money.. and hopefully i will be able to go.. but if not tonight.. soon

cause i wanna read yall.. i wanna express my thoughts.. like free..

ok.. i'll be back

elle

3months...
happy 21st birthday my dearest sophie.. i wish you everything you need in the future.. love and respect

danielle

femmenoir.net
womeninthelife.com
blsg.org

peace

“Through looking at the ways in which I have performed race and class and culture my whole life. I have realized that so much of those things are masks and that we are all performing,” she says. “And I know now that there is a much deeper and more meaningful self beneath and beyond that mask.” --Rebecca Walker

I hope you write this down and quote me. Ya know, gay life, the whole gay lifestyle, is patterned off of a white gay male aesthetic. Now, that ain't my vibe. And I definitely ain't like some crunchy Birkenstock, "put all the men on another planet" (type). I love my brothers. I love my sisters. I am sexually functional with both. That's fucking boring. (laughter) If you fine, you fine. That's it. I call it like I like it. Stop being so close-minded. Worst thing you could be is a close-minded gay person. And worst thing you could be is a judgmental black person. Worst thing you could be is a dogmatic Christian. So it's like, get off my back. --Me'Shell NdegéOcello

i love rickie lee jones.. .. i am listening to her now

i only own two of her cds..

flying cowboys, and traffic from paradise..

but she is

she is awesome..

my favorite of the two is flying cowboys..

and the songs.. i love them all but today
i have satellites on my mind..

she will be in my car stereo..

i am walking with satellites..

Satellites
(Rickie Lee Jones)

We were born forever
We are twinned in a fugitive mind
Friends should stay together and
Light the world with the fugitive kind

So you keep talking in many languages
Telling us the way you feel
Don't stop confiding in the road you're on
Don't quit, you're walking Satellites

I just saw you walking
Ice was reading fortunes by the moonlight
Thinks he could not tell you
You'll never read more than you will tonight

So you keep talking in many languages
Telling us the way you feel
Don't stop confiding in the road you're on
Don't quit, you're walking Satellites

Ah, Satellites!
A room filled with Satellites
Ah, Satellites!
Ah, walking Satellite

We were born forever
Tunneled into the fugitive night
Friends should stay together
Code the world with the fugitive light
Oh, I just saw you walking
Ice was reading fortunes by the moonlight
Casting runes on the rooftops and alleys
You'll never read more than you will tonight

So you keep talking in many languages
Telling us the way you feel
Don't stop, I'll know the road you're on
Don't quit, you're walking Satellites

Satellites!
A room filled with Satellites
Satellite light
She walks with Satellites
Walking Satellites
Satellites




peace and love

i love artistry.. i envy those able to freely express.. their art..

i love artists who are able to freely express themselves.. beyond the normal confines of socities ever so smothering status quo.. i hope to be that one day.. and beyond another liking me/my style.. i gotta be in tune.. i wish i would stop doubting.. got damn am i the only person suffering from extreme self doubt.. just plain doubt that fogs the true mental picture..

i wish to liberate more than my mind.. i must let my actions, words, and expressions manifest my truth.. if i don't allow this change to come forth.. surely no one else will allow it to be made.. moreso.. i need to take myself seriously..

i suppose this is all a part of seeking freedom
taking an active part and so forth

peace and love
this is a step on my journey
elle

truthfully speaking..

i am at war with myself..

tired of just getting by in this meager existance.. i am ready to live.. i spend my time dwelling on the sadness, that happiness seems so far away. i know of truth, but the lies stick like glue to my conciousness. i want to be able to freely express myself, farther than just writing these words, because truthfully, it is a thick line between what i feel alot of the times, and what i say, do etc.. the powers that be have too much control over me.. and fucking jeez.. i can't get myself to break free..

i need to find some type of common ground..

some creative outlet
some free thinkers who will teach me what freedom is really
because i think freely
but i am chained
by my stupid assed
fear

existing/living
sadness/happiness
lies/truth
/expression

ellelee

such a silly silly girl
i hate being so introspective.

yesterday i had a talk with my very own "pillsbury doughboy" barry.. he works wonders, and when i poke him in his belly, he even goes "WOOHOO," followed by a giggle.

anyway.. he tells me that the best relationship is the one that you have with yourself.. i couldn't really agree with him more, and he is always telling me to stop stressing on things, but with reality in mind, things are stressful, so i stress. and i write.. i wonder why... about a lot of things.. i wonder if i am truthfully taking an active role in my freedom, or am i a bullshit artist, just passing another bowel..


your sepia tones
like honey are
sweet
i wanna taste
you

elle

i can't believe this shit..

i hesitated before i left the "i love you" on your answering machine.. cause i didn't know who would hear.. but i continued cause i do.. and if ain't nothing else true.. that is

i love you
i hope everything is going well in school
and your battles are being won

i miss you when i can't hear your voice
you said i was on your head like do-rags and rhymes

and you be on mine
like peace and hairgrease.. haha

i love you

elle

last night in a moment of sadness, or shall i say i was upset, for words that were slapped across my face.. i went into my brothers room at sat on the edge of his bed, he offered me his hand and told me that things were going to be ok. he looked at me as he lay under his harry potter comforter, and told me that all i had to do was think of all the fun things i liked to do, and that it was going to be ok. i asked him if i could have a hug, and he greeted me with arms open wide.. this little one who had told me earlier that i could no longer call him alfie-baby (because he was not a baby) instead to call him "killer lee," the little boy who told me i had to get out of his room, unless i could break the code, which was to crack my knuckles 2 times (when i reached two he changed the number to 3, etc) the one who i had a staring contest with, and got mad when i won (so i let him win a few times) and the one who breakdances to the macarena (a sight to see i tell you).

in that moment, i sucked up whatever it was i had taken personally, and listened to the innocence of a six year old, the wisdom of a six year old.. and i realized that babies, and old folks are special.. innocence is given to you at birth, and returns as many lifetimes worth of wisdom, like my sun-sun (great grandmother) has, and i love them, she never forgets to leave the light on for me if i am not home before dark..

its the little things

to my little innocent one
and my wisdom giver

i love you both to life..

another selection from the paper notebook written yesterday 9/20/2002

my ass is planted to the chair and my feet to the ground.. i gotta write my love for women, i ain't gettin' up until i do

i cannot help but notice that older women intrigue the hell out of me. it isnt necessarily their looks, but more the unknown. i know that there are many things within the age, things attatched to their undying beauty, and wisdom. most of the conversations that i hold with people about my sexuality end in some sort of statement claiming perversions, or that i am a lesbian for the simple fact that i long to fuck women.. the nerve of them to challenge my love as some sort of taboo dirty thang. i am not a lesbian for the simple fact that i have a sexual relationship with a woman, i am a lesbian because i love women, my own manifestation of "truth of love," and even if there was no sex, my love would still be unyeilding.. yall don't believe me when i say i am not in it for that.
i have been in love with many women in my lifetime, from the nurturing of my mother, and grandmothers, aunts, to that of teachers, singers, poets, and artists in every sense of the word, they have all helped shape my worldview.

there is an older woman sitting in front of me, and when i looked at her, she skowled at me, shortly followed by a forgiving grin, i believe that she knows of me writing my love for her on paper, i also believe that she, herself has an understanding of women in love with women. i believe she is in love, or has known the magnificence of love for a woman before

i catch a glance of the grey crowning her forehead, blending into darker shades, and then completely into black. the bountiful mass of hair is pulled haphazardly into a beautiful bun, accented by a claw clip. she sits at the table across from me so that we are facing, and i thought of offering her a seat, and i laugh that thought off, because it just aint me.. yet. on her tray a tiny pot of tea, and a single mug. the fragrance eminating from her table was one similar to that of jasmine and vanilla, it wafted my way beckonning for my attention. i tasted her essence..... herbal, and with a touch of sugar, as if not to drown out that of the natural flavor, and i wonder what she tastes like. not sexually i just wanna taste her flavor. i wanna hear some stories, i want her to shower me with wisdom, i wanna touch that which is virginal, and very much experienced at the same time, i just wanna get to know her, let i know i love her.

---i wanna love you through all possibilities
---and when i said all i wanted to do was hold your hand
---that was real
---i bet you are soft to the touch
---i don't wanna fuck
---but love you/me
---through all possiblities

i continue to read this copy of black like us: a century of lesbian gay, and bisexual african american fiction, as i write my poetry, and try to flow my truth freeform, while she slyfully watches me write my love of her on paper

peace and love free
god+truth+love
elle

another borders trip.. more poetry, from my paper notebook

the gaza was stripped once more
and they tell me another suicide bombing
occurred today
casualties too many
to count by hands
sent to sort the rubble

medical reports say
five innocent children were taken today
one, still attatched to his mothers
womb

five innovent babies not given the chance to lead
followed the adults
into the subway station with bombs strapped to their
breasts
and i question if they knew the severity
of the events to take
place

five future leaders killed today following beliefs
they were told to fight for
freedom among them
and the end justifies the means
but in the end
none will be found through
mass destruction
because shallow graves do not allow
movement, or room
to grow

all all the freedom fighters are being claimed before their prime
they should be able to fight for
propper education
fair male/ female relations
equal rights

not death in numbers higher than they can count
allow them to come to thier own conclusions
safely

five future freedome fighters were killed today
and i cannot find any justice in their
deaths
nor any gained for the greater population

and as the sun sets
this is still plaguing the town
i pray no more death to be found

hey..

remember how i said i was going to tell someone i loved them today.. well i did, without so many words.. there is this old man always coming in the store, and his cane is always broken, he is like a broke down cowboy.. one of the originals.. i think he thinks he is john wayne.. takes a shower like twice a year, has all the mud prints on his jeans, and legs shaped like they were molded around his horse that he rode in on, he is cool, all the other people can't stand when he comes to get tape for his cane, always complaining that he should buy his own tape.. but secretly i think he is lonely.. and he just wants a second of our time.. usually he asks, but this time i offered. he walked in as he does almost everyday, only asks for tape when the tape is worn down, about once a month, but as he made his way past me, i stopped him, and he came closer so that he could hear me, when he did, he smiled, pulled out his pocket knife, and cut the old tape, held his cane steady as i wrapped the tape around, he was about to walk away, and then hesitated (he had already thanked me) he told me that good things had been happening to him all day, and that i made his day, and how much he appreciated, and i felt love,


love is everywhere..

i love you all
elle

the last thing i ever want to hear you say again is

"get out of my room before i hit you"

how could you hurt me with words so hard
a proverbial blow to my jaw..

why does everything come to blows with you?
i am hurt..

elle

i love you without shame..

danielle

i wasn't feelin the EB/common colabo, on that song..
maybe i was tired of hearing it like 500 times a day

i guess it was premature hatin'
but the visual stimulation got me
jocking it like whoa
i saw the video last night
no video hoes
it was
art
both naked
and clothed
haha you go girl

ERYKAH is a bomb artist.. respect due and given

and i know yall was feeling the funky fresh crocheted pants and hat combo

love elle

i'd like to send a shot out.. this one goes to tim.. and all the other monkeypuppets that walk around with strings tied to their arms and feet

a big fat FUCK YOU KISS MY ASS....

thank you
have a nice day


elle

i emailed you this but.. i will post here too.. doooooooooooooooddd you are too good.. love elle

people think love is like some souped up romanticised(sp)...hip-hop shit.. i'm like.. love just is.. love is this manefistation from God so i can
honestly walk down the street and see some dude walking to school and be like in my head.. i hope he knows i love him and i wish him the best.. cause that what's truly in my heart.. --jnm

soul sistas
displaced at birth
on some sista sista tip
but there were so few
they had to share us with the
earth
to be reunited
one day

and this is the meet and
greet

no my momma aint yours..
i often tried to understand
how i can have a friend
so far away
but so close
while bullshittin muh-fuckas
takeup space..
wasting time
cause its money they say

blood is thicker than water
but this water is thick
like..shit
and we both got blood
and we
livin' and learnin'
so any further definition
is unnecessary

shit happens when it
is supposed to
and your
presence came when i needed
and now i really feel sane
with your
simamese twin-thoughts
rotating in my brain

a connection
as i read your words
and i know you understand
even when they don't

thats why i journal my pain
so that i can walk in truth
and light
expressing
cosmic creations
of
love art and life
and one day live
life as art and
love free

all i gotta say is that
we be one step ahead
jatafree

i'd rather people hate me for who i am, than love me for what i'm not

elle

i don't know what i am doing.. lol.. tripping maybe.. i can't wait until i get my yarn tomorrow i hope..


i am a creature of habit

habitual lies
come from my thighs
as i moan and groan
my unpleasures
packaged pretty
so that you are happy
as you fuck me
dry.....

fuck that i'm tired

romantic but never hopeless

sometimes you sacrafice the things you love, in the name of love.

i would put away my pride
for one long drive
just a second of your time
one "i love you"
or "fuck you"
as long as what you said
was true to you

i would wipe away my tears
and smile
because for once i would
truely understand where you
comin' from

i would sacrafice the things i love
in the name of love

as long as the outcome
allowed me pieces of
truth
cause this life is a jigsaw puzzle
but i got time and glue
and if not for me, for you

i would sacrafice the things that i love
in the name of love

electric gypsy

she was making love to him
slowly but surely
a new meaning to old words
as their bodies rocked
like unsettled water
and ocean tides
she rode his rhythms like
that of a stallion on his best day
seemingly in slow motion
but fast
heads nodded
when his fingers prodded
his guitar


plugged into the ampli-fiyah
taking you h-iyah



i love me some jimi... thank you for sharing him with me dmoon. e*me

i tell you that i love you, and you laugh it off as if its a joke..you say that this is cool, but to tell you the truth, i don't know if it really is. i tell you i love you and you tell me to call you back, in 15, in 45, in an hour, tomorrow.. i question why my heart is tangled in telephone cords, and there is no answer, or put on hold to catch the attention of another, is the acension suspended?

love oh love stop making a fool of me

elle

dood man dood.. i was supposed to go to this interview this lady set up that i work with.. truth be told i can't stand to work with her now.. and i know for sure she would bother the fuck out of me at two jobs.. i didn't even call her, and she was trying to help but i couldnt bring myself to do it .. she is going to bitch me out tomorrow..

i am trying to get away from all things familiar i gotta find my own ground/footing.. that way it will be mine.. and fuck someone ever saying "well i did this for you, and that for you.." i can't stand anything more for someone to do some shit like that.. don't do shit unless you feel it in your heart.. all else is fake and fucking retarded.. don't do shit for me unless you want to, and if you do, don't remind me continuously that you did that shit..


my mom is complaining that she always sees me on the computer.. and that she can't stand it.. saying that i am always doing nothing, i mean damn, god forbid you ever ask, before assuming what i am doing.. not that if they asked i would say.. cause quite frankly it isn't any of their damn business.. i mean.. .. my something is always nothing.. dood.. when i finally accomplish something.. fuck congratulating me.. cause all those times you complained about shit.. that was me on my way.. thanks for countless encouragements... and that is sarcasm in case you couldn't tell..

peace

I waited 'til I saw the sun
I don't know why I didn't come
I left you by the house of fun
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come

When I saw the break of day
I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand

My heart is drenched in wine
But you'll be on my mind
Forever

Out across the aimless sea
I would die in ecstasy
But I'll be a bag of bones
Driving down the road alone

My heart is drenched in wine
But you'll be on my mind
Forever

Something has to make you run
I don't know why I didn't come
I feel as empty as a drum
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come
----------------------------------------------------------

why can i relate?
norah jones.. i love your album..

that damn girl makes my nerves bad..

haha.. dood i got up and decided i wanted to go to late work, so i made some random bogus excuse and went in when i felt like it.. dood.. can somebody tell me why i wore a damn wife beater, and a zip up wool sweater.. it aint snowin.. i was hot as a damn pig in a blankey.. (yeah i said blankey) so i grabbed a black t-shirt when i went in the door, and decided to go to jewelry to check out.. by the time i realized who was at the register, it was too late, cause she saw me. i think i woulda looked kinda lame if i walked all the way back there, and then turned around as soon as i got back there.. dood i think i looked like a deer in headlights..STUCK ok anyway.. so i was like can i ring up here, and she looked at me and laughed like to herself. sort of.. then she was like yeah.. "you forgot to put on a shirt today or something.." man.. i stood there for like a minute... like "huh?" ughhhhhhmm that was so horrible.. i don't know why, i am so stuck.. i was like yeah, and she smiled at me kinda funny probably thinking.. that is a damn fool right there, i fumbled for my money, she said 5.84 i handed her ass a 5.. not only am i a fool but i can't count.. dood so i got the dollar, and she was giving me change.. i looked at her as she went to put the change in my hand.. i was shaking like a freaking leaf.. lmao.. she kinda just slid the money in my hand, i was like thank you..


mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn why am i so nervous.. its just a damn girl..

anyway, i said something to her later on, and she was like huh, she was like i get off at 9:45..

maybe i will talk to her tomorrow.. this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.. lmao

hahahahaha i crack my self up..

luhyallsodamnmuchtalktoyallsodamnrough..(thanks book, hurley, and rick for that one its a classic)
"danielle be fuckin' that ham up" (shawn missha and dorretta.. lmao)
peace
elle

lions and tigers and nasty ass whores oh my..


can somebody please tell me why some nasty ass hoochie momma ghetto bunny tried to return some used 7 day yeast infection cream with suppositories? she comes up to the counter lays the bag down, and was like i don't know what is wrong with this, they sent me up here.. i opened the box, which was half ass glued back, shit was gone and nasty, when i told her ass that we couldnt give her any money back when the product was used (1) when it has to do with a health issue (2) and point blankly the shit was just gone.. her ass pointed out that she did put the little sticks back in the box, along with the half ass used cream .. nasty mofos i swear.. she was like.. well you can keep the damn thing, and that she only needed a few of the seven days.. too much damn info for one and two i was like no the fuck this nasty whore didn't.. ugh.. when will the ghetto bunnies learn that shit aint cute.. its trife.. attitudes that accompany ignorance are just plain stupid..

anywho i am about to dye my hair.. and twist it up.. danielle is locking..

love and love
elle

ditamoon i wonder why you disappeared from my life.......money aint a thang.. call me..

love danielle.. and if i don't get to talk to you before your birthday.. have a happy one

happiness to you in the future and the now
love sent
elle

bukky.. i may be MIA sometimes, morso not on AOL messenger but continue to write.. you are a beautiful soul, email me somtimes.. i am not ignoring you :) maybe we can go people watching or something..

sunshine@thatbitch.com

damn my teeth hurt..

today was cool, chilled with the fam.. i walked in the door my aunt was like danielle you want a beer, you want some wine, as she asked me if i knew of my cousins latest ghetto bunny.. lmao ghetto bunny.. i met her, and thats stating it plainly.. haha .. saw BIG WORM (he is 26 now.. damn), aka BUDDA aka "don't make me push your ass down those steps like i used to". and damn he still calls me big perm.. haha, dood, we chilled had some shrimp, lobster, steak, crabs, salmon, brocolli, candied yams, fried fish, rice pudding, red velvet cake, bannana pudding, ice cream, and carrot cake.... the works.. it was g's birthday, my first time seeing jillian since her birth last december, big worms return for the day from MI, (he is a doctor his hands are insured for 500 thousand a piece.. i was like damn can i cut them bad boys off) and just an all around good time.. i know i complain alot about my fam.. but in the end, i love them regardless, the old folks hand danced, and i watched from the sidelines.. uncle gene asked if i ate chitlins.. my response of not eating pork was not enough, because he countered that with "i aint ask if you ate pork i asked if you ate chitlins". a trip to the liquor store, and a million dances/pictures later, i am at home, thinking to myself that i had a good time, and i love them, i was glad to see them. they complained that they saw my cousin who lives in michigan more than they see me, and are still living off of the same story i told them the last time.. saying it still has them rolling.. .. so i might have to come around more often, i had fun.

love and all that jazz

ps..
i was writing up a storm.. for some reason everytime i write i gotta show you guys.. how am i ever to write a book if i show it all.. gotta use some self control..

ok its known that i love women.. but damn ice cube is so beautiful looking on the cover of the new savoy.. thats a beautiful man

i got my new issue of bust magazine in the mail the other day, and i took it to work, not thinking, or even looking inside.. of course i knew it had a million adds for dildos, and stuff.. but no one was going to see it besides me, until i forgot it, and only remembered when i left, and the building was locked.. unfortunately the doors were locked when i got there to get it, ms g. cleans up the desk everyday when she gets to work.. lmao that probably made her shit in her damn pants.. she deserves it.. .. but haha i didn't lose any sleep, and its funny because people bring it up in conversations.. danielle you lookin for your magazine.. and she threw it away.. i am going to write her a bill, for that.. money doesn;t grow on tress..haha bite me.. maybe they needed to see all that stuff, get off of their high horses..


i spent the day runnning around like a chicken with my head cut off, the bank, back to work to get my id, i left it in my locker by accident, various stores, and a stop at borders books and music.. i made a hat, and wrote three poems.. the iced chai tasted like a bag of sugar as always, and the lady in front of me got on my damn nerves as, everytime she laughed, her eyes closed, and the black of her mascara and liner, made it look as though she had no eyeballs just holes, and her laugh was one of the annoying type.. loud and obnoxious.. i wonder if she really got the jokes.. i mean they sounded so fake.. they had this band, and they were real cool, i was plesantly surprised considering i spent the better half of the day/night in there, (the people that work there think that i am crazy, confirmed by an overheard conversation)..fuck em.. anywho the band was cool.. real nice, and it was mood music i wrote three poems while i was there, i will post one, i hope that you enjoy..


Love is a beautiful black woman

She smells of purple incense or nag champa (nog shompa)
Burnt to the little stick
And then re-lit on both ends

Potent

She is hot like fire
You might get burnt
But hindsight is 20/20 so eventually she will be your teacher

Cold like ice
Cubed and
Desires fill me to empty
As I expire
Only to be to be regenerated by her

Taste

Like Stewart’s grape the original
Soda pop/rocks, and candy canes

Like heaven and floating on clouds nine,
And seven
My lucky charm she be

And if I ever had the chance to catch one
She would be my
Butterfly

Monarch rose daisy may sunshine
And that’s just her first
Name
Jones her second
And you know the rest

She keeps me spinning fast
Like the rings on Saturn’s finger
Enthralled
By the visual stimulation
Of my
Mind

The jazzman plays her so well
Always on his mind, an instrument in his
Ensemble
His melodic muse
I sway and move to her tunes
As Nina Simone croons
“Nobody loves you when you’re down and out”

But I do

Not able to negate love in the essence
It abides by no rules

Sweet and fresh

like Dipping in a warm bath of
Honey suckle rose

Un-shape-able

like an old soul

Stronger

than that mentho-lyptus salve old folks use to soothe a cold

She’s the truth

like sitting so close to the speakers,
that the heat
From the bass beats
Burns your ears

Bass beats than when on repeat make break beats
That are undeniable when it comes to dance
And expression

She will put you in a trance
Dancing the mambo, the meringue and the salsa
All to the same song
And she aint got no shoes on
Her lips contort to entice me
With the same feeling
That her hips do as they move
To the beat
She is feeling it

She is a poet as she abstracts my dreams on paper
Like the beloved Toni

magic

she will exorcise your deamons
have you running around the block to catch her attention
and you already got it

A warrior queen so fierce I gotta call her name twice
When I say that
I love love

© September 14, 2002 Danielle Lee Tucker

allergies make me feel so retarded..

i am ragweed pollen and pet dander.. lol that was a commercial or something.. for somereason i think of that when allergies come to haunt me..

gosh can i go somewhere and go to sleep for awhile.. or atleast until my allergies are over only two more days to work and i am off for the weekend.. i need rest, i haven't been taking care of myself like i should.. i need to go buy some vitabath and take a long bath.. man i need rest..

peace and love.. finally getting ready for work.. i am about to be late

toodles
elle

allergies.. ugh.. getting ready for work

love elle

old--look to the bottom for new
to my sista syol, my soulsista, under the sol


girl you got love
that is deep like oceans
and you share them with me
remember you said that the water was so blue?


i swim in the
femininity
of the blues
and greens
and
i always feel safe
when i am writing in my notebook
sitting in the grass
with the leaves
cause you can always count on green you
say
and i intend to
but you forgot the trees
so add brown to the eqaution
and then i say thank you
to my soulsista warrior friend syol


love elle


new-rebirth

to my sista syol, my soulsista, under the sol

girl you got love
that is deep like oceans
and you share them with me
remember you said that the water was so blue?
and how you got new life there?
and rebirth came to mind
thus changes being made
and love


so
i swim in the
femininity
of the blues
and greens
and
i always feel safe
when i am writing in my notebook
sitting in the grass

cause you can always count on green you
say
and i intend to
with that i offer you the
same

cause leaves
are green
but when fallen turn brown
because seasons change
all things rearranged
and
rebirthed
so its all love
they think its death (but what do they know?)

and the trees whose foundation
is brown
and the ground in which the grass is rooted
so add brown to the eqaution
and then i say thank you
to my soulsista warrior friend syol

love elle

tears
run
down
my
face
because
at this moment
i am standing in truth's light
given the choice to embrace
or once again fall back into the
shadows of muted greys
and black

i am walking forward
trying to relearn love
that was given
misused
abused
reused
and glued to words of
wrong doing

i am trying to learn love
as
these
tears
run
down
my
face

i hate to see people hurt.. it seems as though comedy is what people gain from my pain.. like i am faking this shit..

i am wondering if i can truely trust.. i am trying to learn.. but the way things are.. i am sorta relearning everything.. its hard.. HARD HARD.. when something so precious is taken from you....intimacy scares me.. seriously.. its like i love you, but i can't go there like that.. i pull away when people gravitate towards me..

with love elle.. nothing but the truth will set you free this is mine.. work wit me

this just cannot be the place for me.. it really can't everything about it upsets me..i am back in a rut, of unhappiness.. mostly sad because i am conciously trying to make things better, and no one seems to see this.. i am sad because i remember when we used to do things together. and i remember when i pulled away from everything and everyone when i fell away from things.. i still haven't gotten over this, and that is my problem..

i went from playing with barbies to being afraid of everything and everyone.. when i told her that my innocence was stolen from me, she cried, and then she told my aunt..

i don't connect with them anymore.. i cannot trust them.. and it hurts me.. it hurts me that i live in the same house with her and we barely speak..it hurts me that something that happened in middle school has been a continuous road bump in my life, it hurts that i can't get over this..

i have tried to forgive and forget, but the little girl in me remembers, and she hurts.

i truely do not understand my mother.. not at all.. i try to but its no use, when she talks to me she yells, and i don't understand her yelling at me, its like why can't you get something across without raising your voice. its like she yells, and when i defend my stance, she repeats me in this mocking voice like a child would do.. they claim i don't do shit.. they claim that i am so worthless, but when changes are being made, why is it necessary to dwell on shit forever ago.. its like she puts my flaws out there. i state the differences i made, and she continues to tell me that it's only one difference, and then states a million flaws.. i am like where is the positive reenforcement, why is it that they continue to yell, it doesnt get shit done.. i can't talk to her at all.. i don't trust her at all, and i find it hard to.. this shit is so wild..

i am not the social butterfly.. lol i mean i don't go out, and party and shit.. not that i wouldn't.. lol but i just don't.. and i think that i should.. well atleast live a little..
i dunno..

my friend kyndra is turning 22 tomorrow.. happy birthday sweetheart, she asked me to make her a black bucket hat for her bday.. its done.. she wants me to come with her to get her eyebrow & tongue pierced. lol she is going all out?! lol that is if fernando approves.

i am going to get jordan the cute little asian guy to do my hair, his hair is always bangin' lol he has a cute little flip this week, and it's jet black.. last week it was green.. dood is always hookin things up..

goodnight lovlies

hello lovely people..

i am broker than broke.. lol its truely sad, just been crochetin' counting pennies, and tradin' them for nickels, and dimes..trying to make a dollar out of my last 15 cents.. everything is alright i guess, currently trying to get a new job, putting a new hard drive in my "sometimes" computer, and just chillin basically.. aint nothin going on but the rent ..

love to my people.. and much peace love elle

it is so cold in here

goodbye lovely folks.. i am getting ready for work

love,
elle

it is so cold in here

goodbye lovely folks.. i am getting ready for work

love,
elle

testing

i want to make love to you with the lights on
i wanna see the true beauty contained within
clothes
and the mystery of your being
i don't want to touch you
i just want to stare
take notes
and come to my own conclusion
because
they persecute you with their words
and
their fears
but i beg to differ
because you are beautiful
and i aint scared to say it
i want to reinvent their perceptions
and your own
i don't wanna make you feel uneasy
but i wanna make love to you with the lights on

the possibilities are limitless.. i smile at the thought, and the reality of that statement.. i repeat it to myself.. because truthfully there are no limits.. only makshift boundries that can indeed be broken down.. perseverance is key..

flaws are only beauty over analyzed.. so i embrace flaws as beauty for the first time and i fall in love again
-----------------------------

i do not wish to talk on the telephone.. i don't like telephones..

prozac

i dont spit
metaphoric hot
shit
and nigga aint my term of
endearment
nor is bitch

cause i dont define one
by anotha
as many do
so your head won't be rockin
to some tune
cause there is no catchy music
just words combined with
catch phrases
answers to questions
like
why

i can't fathom your reality
cause all i got is mine
combined with a lil' struggle
but you still say i aint real
cause when i spoke you
reminded me that i aint say it right

what you say?
i sound white?!
fuck that
color has no sound

and i will claim ignorance to all i don't know
but i will show and prove ignorance
aint a hue

but learned
like a disease

unlike how your your grandmammy did with morals-
it was sweet
and your mother with aural-
stimulations before bedtimes kisses on
the forehead
when she tucked you in

lil' girl black mommies hugs and kisses
no longer pacify your fears

now caught on the ways of the world
they prescribe your addictions
3 times a day and with a meal
like prozac
but your hunger aint cured

it got you fiendin for more
while others drop common sense
along with book sense
adopting the ways of the street
getting them nowhere fast
continue on your journey
of revelations

don't base your reality on
falcities of the mind
lil girl black
once you do that
you'll become a butterfly
---------------------------------------------
that just flowed from my fingers
i am about to go finish this hat
and start a new one
maybe take a nap..

peace and love you all
i feel inspired
elle

i miss my wall
i think i might rock the fro

i am about to go to sleep my head hurts like whoa

making this for my manager mike.. its not done yet, i am finishing it with a band of burgandy, he is a redskins fan, what can i say..

my head hurts..

elle

I am not a spoken word artist
But I do speak with words
And sometimes they come out muffled
like whispers that are not taken seriously
and sometimes silence is all i can offer
So I am screaming them now
Close your ears and open your mind
So that you might hear me

i just don't think you understand what is really going on in my head. i know you are probably thinking ..how could i know whats going on in her head if she don't tell me.. which is why i told you to close your ears and open your mind (i am trying to)


i can't remember shit from a long time ago, shit i can't remember yesterday really, its all a little blurred, which when blurred together become one big gigantic one. is this clear? i guess you could say i am an optimistic pessimist, but the latter of the two would most likely describe me on any given moment during the day. i love babies and old folks with all i got, because they have two of the greatest qualities.. innocence and wisdom. and when i said i loved you, i know you thought i lied.. i didn't.. it was real. it is real, and always will be.. but i am finding it very hard to love deep like i want to, love hurts me more than it makes me smile, and i can't tell whether you really love me, which doesn't make me love you any less, it just makes me worry

i don't want to look you in your eyes because they burn straight through me, you look at me with such disgust, and evil thoughts, i could cry, because the glares hit me like a knife exposing my insides... you told me that you could see my insecurrities written on my face even.. so i don't look at you, and maybe you won't see those things
truth be told all this shit is instilled in me, and its hard to let go, like i know i need to, but its all i got.

i've been told my emotional-ness (whatever that word should have been fill it in please) is a gift, and is also my downfall, and i truely see this as fact, because there are many times that it has proven true on both spectrums.. i am tired of loving with all i got and not allowing love to be returned.. i am tired of this, i am tired of allowing others to delve so deep that they shape my reality, i am tired of gaining my reality only to have it stomped on, human nature, life cycle.. survial of the fittest.. pfft.. go 'head with that shit.. let a me live----

i will finish this post tomorrow.. i gotta get off of the computer.. i am emotional, as always.. i am fighting these things with all i got, but they are all i got, so i embrace them slightly, i hate to cry, and i dislike being sad, but i do know that sadness, and happiness come as a package deal, i just wish that there was more happiness.. i suppose that i need to heed those agreements totally, but as it said in the book the agreements you have with yourself are stronger than the new ones.. man i gotta get off of the computer.. i will try and be back tomorrow..

i like black and white photographs, they have a certain purity about them, but the "dry ass reality" of now is in color, and that shit shows all the flaws i got.. i am working someplace i hate, and no one is hiring?.. maybe i am looking in all the wrong places, maybe .. maybe i know the wrong people, everyone is so fucking retarded, i cannot stand it, this place is toxic.. i need to get away, i got secrets just like the next man, i've been betrayed more than once, and there is one particular aunt that if she ever finds out, your life is ruined.. she knows who she is.. i told my mom secrets before, and now everyone knows, which tells me that she told my aunt, and i know that i can't trust her with anymore secrets.

i love women, matter of fact i think they are the most beautiful beings on earth, men are aight, but women intrigue me, i imagine myself married oneday to a woman with beautiful babies, minding my own damn business..

i usually find solace, and comfort in the four corners of my room, but when told that is not my room, this aint my house, and that my parents aren't my parents, my comfort zone is gone. so i find it hard to trust, i find it hard to have firm ground to stand on, when constant "get the fuck out of my house" lines are thrown..what happened to you can be what you want to be, and why when i am trying to be me, is there a million and one stipulations placed thus wanting me to conform to what everydamn body wants me to be..

i am tired of the fact that everything in this house is ruled by him, everything belongs to him, he makes me think that love is unkind, and unfair

why is it that people say things to you they know that you want to hear.. fuck appeasing my ego, and making things pretty, trying to make me smile, be real for just a minute, and if you feel that you want to hurt me, please get the fuck out of my life.

when will i be done paying for shit i did wrong, when will i ever be good enough.. truth be told i probably won't ever be good enough in their eyes, never, and that hurts me.. i am tried of paying for shit done wrong yesterday and a million yesterdays before.. forever ago

it is so easy for me to find beauty in another, and i beat myself up all day long, but the reality is that i can only be who i am and that HAS to be enough

i am uneasy now because i want change so badly, it just hurts, when you are in an environment where change isn't accepted, where people are not willing to change, and where your change is the only one that people want, but isn't necessarily the direction you are changing..

i wish i knew more open mined people.. people that didn't think bling bling was all it's about, people who know that poetry doesn't have to rhyme, people that understood i say fuck, pussy, shit and damn, and that there isn't anything wrong with that.. i need a vacation..

peace and love like fire (that may have sounded cheesy but i dont care, i felt like saying it.. and i did..)


my shit aint been the hardest
but whats hard to me
aint necessarily hard to you
and my shit is hard
like rocks
so stop throwin them at me
you
glass house
ownin mofos
you break my shit down
and don't realize that you
are gving me amunitition
to build more
i wont retaliate with
like methods
that would make me low
as you
or lower
and i aint trying to dig no more holes
to climb out of
so
take this into consideration..


peace and love to my sista syol, my soulsista under the sol, your email made me cry, happy tears :)

this aint one of those love poems
where i pour my heart out
only to be left
with mop and bucket

no this aint one of those

i will not be taking suit
nor will i take suitors

cause this aint one of those love poems

this aint one where you claimed you fucked it
when you aint touched it
panties wet cause you got a
line
or two
in a poem before

nope, this aint one of those

i wont be talking about how we
get down
and you aint going down
i aint either
and your climax wont be of that nature
cause this aint one of those
love poems

i am not going to let you know
how many ways i love you
leaving you to give me a million plus
one ways
i shouldn't have wasted my breath
in the first place

no this aint one of those love poems
this one is about self
love

i am here.. somewhat.. i do not have my computer anymore.. and my parents are being selective with my using theirs.. so i shall be back when i can, i read the four agreements the yesterday, it has proven to bring some peace amongst madness, and i continue to recite these agreements, with all intention of them becoming part of my everyday life.. heaven on earth sounds nice.. why wait until you die..

i aint scared of death because
i am loving life
to the point of it being smothering
but sweetly
like surrendering your all
and it being enough
finally
but moreso the realization
that it always was

i love the people that are put into my life, and thats word..

i love so much i shouldn't be ashamed to show it.. i love you

love elle
also updating at a child of the sun.

i was in my room talking to my sister, because she leaves tomorrow, and i am really going to miss her, i know that she isn't going to be going that far away, but i love her to death, and she and i have kept our heads above water in this house together, though we have had countless arguments, that is my best friend.. i don't think that she knows it but i seriously love her more than anything..

she gave me a letter, and told me that i could not give back what she put inside of it, when i opened the letter, i instantly started crying, because (i am a big ass crybaby) what she wrote made me do so.. i gave her check back to her.. dood i am really going to miss her, i am afraid that she will choose not to come back, for it is not very inviting here..but even if she doesn't i hope she doesn't forget me, i have asked her not to..

danielle,

its very unfortunate that you did not finish college. one day soon, that school will be a possibility (just pray alot) altough i do not believe in god, i pray all the time. i consider it a blessing that i got the money to attend school. i think i worked really hard to be in the place that i am right now. to me, no money compares to having stability, i've always wished to have a stable home and a loving family. money only pays bills, it does not give me what i want. i also think that you have been working too long!, and too hard! it is time you get out of debt, and go to school! i will send you money once a month till you are safe. good luck and take care of my babies (our brothers) ps i will come visit once a month for the weekend, and i will call and email


i cried when she handed it to me, when i opened it, when i saw the check, when i handed it back, when i hugged the shit out of her and she laughed asking me why was i crying.. i am crying because she has such a bright wonderful future, she is the optimist of the two of us, she will succeed, i am crying because she loves me, i am crying because i love her, and because my emotions are both happy and sad, happy she is getting out of here, and sad that she is as well,


i love you fantoni.. i truely do.. thank you for teaching me alot about myself, and others, i wish that times could have been better, and circumstances would/ could be better, don't forget me dood, i love you...........

man why is shit so fucked in this damn house..

i have never cried like this before, i had to leave her room i have to write her a letter and a card.. man

fantoni thank you for being true in the midst of madness..

i haven't felt very vocal lately.. i am still here, trying to finish up somethings, start some new ones.. i dunno.. just making kufis and hats, and writing in my notebooks.. toni that would be cool, i would love to hear some things you have to share about it (book writing) i have come to the conclusion that it would make me happy to do whatever the hell it is i want, and right now i want to write a book of poetry, make a whole bunch of hats, go back to school majoring in photography(photojournalism) or tv film and media or advertising.. i want to do many things.. there are people out to shut me down but i don't care.. time to show and prove.. to myself that is.. :)


love elle

a child of the sun a new home of mine

my heart is heavy...

finished a green kufi last night.. in like 2 hours.. today i am making a red one.. and some other one i dunno..

went to the mocha hut.. to our dismay there was no writing workshop going on.. something told me to call or ask around.. ugh... anyway.. i got the bomb mango smoothie, and we walked to this thrift store on the next block that thing was more like a damn furniture store $799 dollars for a bedroom set, the customer was yelling $500 and i'll take it, and the clerk was like $799... it was like a thrift store/dollar store/ 10.00 store/ hundreds of dollar store..

there was this dood sitting in the shop looked a bit disturbed when my sister came and sat down beside him asking what book he was reading.. probably thinking none of your damn business, but he answered her, and when i turned around she was at the other end of the room.. she said he wasn't very inviting

thinking about going to the stone soul picnic.......nothing else better to do..

oh yeah i made a black kufi and started on a pink fuzzy one, i still haven't gotten yarn in the colors needed.. so i am working with what i have now.. my sister gave me some money today and was like danielle i am broke you are broke, and i am trying to help you out, so i might as well help you out and get a cool hat. i didn't want to take it, but when we got up to leave she left it on the table and was like danielle you better go get your money.. so i got it.. anyway.. we laugh alot and talk now... i am so happy that our relationship is changing for the better... even though i hate her laugh.. and she knows this.. lol thats my buddy, and she is leaving me, going to college i wish he the best.. she will succeed.. i know she will :)

anywho.. alfie-baby is the most wonderful little boy ever, he told me tonight when i tucked him in that when he grew up he was going to buy a couple of houses, and a whole bunch of fords, and dodge vipers, and that i could have my own room, and that he would cook me dinner, when i asked him wha he would cookt, he said whatever you like.. he is cute..

b

this auqa makes me sick.. jata have a wonderful trip.. be back later about to go to the cafe and make kufis all day/read books or something.. peace

i was rollin... "i'm sorry but aren't those like one step up from Tonka" too much girl :)

hmm i am thinking of going to this mocha hut poets and writers workshop.. its every thursday from 6-8 i think it might be a positive experience..

i have been listening to donny hathaway live, and i truely love his voice his words, him.. i swear i needed to be back in the day when people sang about something other than sex...

i am going to go blind sitting here typing in the dark and without my glasses..

the lens crafters man noticed me in the middle of the mall and he goes didn't i sell you those glasses like a year ago.. when i go shopping people in the stores remember me by my hair, or my glasses or my chucks this one dood was like.. i like your shoes.. i was like yeah ... me too..

this post was sponsered by my blind ass, and donny

alfred says that when i am done, i am going straight to the devil, and when he is done, god is going to shine his light on him....

that little boy says the wildest things... and usually means every bit of it... like how he tries to disguise him saying shit, by ending with OOT shit-oot.... or when he dubbed my brothers friend fuck-up during dinner.. where does he get this stuff..

i don't know anything about formal writing.. in fact.. i never really liked english besides learning new words, the only english teacher i adored was in ninth grade.. i used to think she was a bitch, but she embraced my creativity sometimes, and scolded me, she was good though i didn't realize it, and all the rest were just really bad.. i mean horrible.. like 12th grade. ms wade who was retiring at the end of the year allowed all hell to break loose, and wouldn't teach, it was like the damn playground.... ugh i don't like capital letters, and i don't puntuate properly half of the time let alone spell check anything.. that is a big downfall of yours truely.. but i guess that is why i like poetry because there are no boundries.. i hate .. essays with a passion, they should allow poetry instead of essays that would excite me more about school, i need to stop being so danielle like and bust a move... stop being so damn complacent..

almost done with a new black kufi.. still no more yarn.. ugggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh..

still smilin'
ellelee

i wanna write a book.. it will be called something like musings in brown... hmm.. i dunno why but it will be just alot of my poetry.. what do you guys think would you buy a brown crayon book.. would you read it ? oh my dood i am so smiling.. happiness just flew over me.. but it didn't keep going its like right above my head.. and syol i am keeping my head to the sky.. how could i go about this.. plus i need to actively seek some information going to look now, i need to compose everything i am trying to do, make a gigantic to-do list.. i am smiling right now..

be back in a lil while..

peace and love love love

i can't front
the distance
increases my distant
thoughts
so with that said
roll with your heart-
i know that you are feeling
deep thoughts
don't stay to shield my heart
i may not say it but
word is bond when i
type this
ain't no hype
do what you gotta do
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"my emancipation don't fit your eqaution"
because at the end of the day
i am without my freedom
of self
and i question what that even is
because i wonder if i ever had it
but i remember being a little
girl
when i chased butterflies in the sunshine
and lightning bugs under streetlights
and if i ever caught them .
i would whisper to them
and i would let them
go
because i loved them
not knowing that even holding them
from their flight for a
short time really hurt them
so when i found out
i watched from afar
as they fluttered whispering still
i know they heard me
freedom was mine in those moments
and i know why the caged bird sings of
freedom
and redemption

i now sit and mumble the same
tune i did back then in the four corners
of my room
which leads me to believe i never
"lost it"
so i sing my song
now
because back then it had no words
just a subtle melody
just enough pizazz for me to seek it again
and even when it slipped my mind
the sweetness of it made me rack my
brains for hours until i found the first note

before my melodies
were composed by others
in all cases a felony because
they stole mine, and were not done with
theirs yet
and then i wrote
these words

i ain't never gonna give up
no no never gonna give up
on myself
even when you do

because i know why the caged bird sings
of freedom
and redemption
i shared the cage
too small to fly
wings broken left to die
her melody was soft a first
meek and meager
but she became eager
and thats where i learned the notes
chirped with hope

and i sing with passion
tired of jumping and leaping
bounds for someting that should be
free
note
FREE-dom
"its freedom time now"

today my dads friend came over.. he is real cool, lol thats my dawg.. he has been asking me to make him kufis for a minute now, and today he put in an order, he wants like 20 black and orange ones for his harley club.. i am like whoa.. i got alot to do.. plus he copped the camo one.. which is funny because i wasn't diggin it at all. i need to get a notebook and try to find some way to balance my expenses.. and things of that nature..
its funny because while talking to him, my dad had to interject a few lines, asking me all these questions.. i guess he sees that someone appreciates what i do.. anyway he was trying to laugh and joke.. but he got no love.. convenience seems to be a thing for him, he will talk to me when convenient, or when he wants to but will throw shade and put up an attitude in a minute, at that moment in time i wasn't feeling the funk of the fake..

anyway.. i went to sleep for like two hours i was tired, and just plain worn out.. i am debating whether i should go to ames... since they are going out of businiess.. but i only have 13 dollars and three cents to my name.. and i might need gas, so i shall work with what i have now..

i gave the pink one to my sister nicole, she used to stay with us, but she moved to a new family.. that girl is growing like a wildflower, her brother still lives with us, they seemed so happy to see each other i had to drop a tear or 50.. they came here at 7 and 5 now he is 12 and she is 10, they all had a little dancing contest, it was cute, i love my brothers and sisters.. though they are not blood, the water is thick :)

love and all that great stuff..

love danielle

i finished the camoflague kufi and also a white one, i am not really digging the camo one.. but the white is mighty fly.... dood i am so tired and my fingers feel even more tired.. its all good, i gotta find some purple and blue yarn... i know where some green is... syol you want like an army green?... onye i am not sure what colors you want.. email me with them or something like that... and what kind of beads are you talking about?

about to make another kufi

ellelee

ms april i read your email and for what its worth you are not just some dorky white chick from oreagon..l you are great its all appreciated.. and that may sound dorky but you have spread more words of love than people i call my friend that are next to me everyday.. thank you i can't say more than that here.. but i do thank you more than words can say.. everything you said was absolutely true i will email you when i return home.. thank you for caring it truely means alot..

love elle

last night i made two kufis.. i am back at home, there proves to be nothing to do besides make stuff, listen to music, and chill in the confines of the four walls which are tentatively mine... who knows when they will not.. mr antonio i haven't gotten the blue yarn yet (according to you i need boatloads.. i am just messin with ya), as soon as i find some in the right weight i will make your kufi... and ms april i forgot to ask what color you would fancy.

i was sitting on my bed, and renee called me, and she asked me to play my guitar (which is in bad need of a good tuning i might add) i can't play any panty dropping music, so i settled for a horrible stumming thing, and i could hear/feel her cringe on the other line as i added, oh yeah it needs to be tuned.. yeah..

so i have come to the conclusion that i am going to learn how to play my guitar, after all that was my reason of buying it in the first place, make a million kufis, and go on a road trip playing on the street peddling my kufis... won't ya join me.

i have fallen off of so much that used to keep me floating/grounded. i need to try and actively seek my freedom thanks to antonio and april i have two very wonderful voices of reason thanks guys

its been about 2 weeks since i have spoken to my dad, we kinda just walk past each other, that sucks but i would rahter have 0 words than words that promote negativity to grow, invading my mind.

the only thing that truely scares me is trying to find my independence... like where do you look.. i know it may sound elementary to most of you, and yes i realize that i am 21 a grown woman, but some of the circumstances have made me revert.. considering the fact that i am living at home with them.. under "their roof" without going into too much detail, i have to follow every shitty rule put fort.. thus my freedom is hindered by sucky ass policies.. whatever

another factor that puts me behind is that i am not in school right now.. the reasons i left, i don't feel like getting into, i have told a few, but seriously i am working in a shitty place, and my car payment is almost more than one paycheck..

the car was supposedly a 20th birthday present new ford escape the expenses are well over 600 a month ... so now you know how much i make.. nothing.. its like i cannot afford to make payments, and live.. and i am bound in this damn contract until 2005.. whose idea was it to get this car.. it was my dads of course.. i know the common answer to this question is to sell the car.. but i cannot since my dad is in the contract with me, i cannot sell it, with out his signiature on the dotted line..

i am often told to forget my other bills, and pay the car payment.. "i don't give a shit about the other bills, pay the carpayment" in turn making all of my other bills fall behind schedule in the most horrible type of way, and must i mention that bill collecters wake me up, and tend to rudely call me at work.. and that isn't acceptable.. how do they ever expect for me to pay them if they interrupt me everyfive minutes, i will surely loose a job dealing with that....

and then the telephone rings... stop calling me

gosh man.. sometimes i just want to fly away.. but the reality of the situation is that i don't have any freaking wings.. so i am not flying anytime soon...

i dont even know how to confront a person that won't hear anything you have to say... because you are stupid.. and the likes. i mean seriously when i am not too upset i do actually think rationally, and well point blankly i want to go back to school, but the way things are going, i cannot afford it. even if i did get a few grants... there is no way i would be able to focus on my schooling, work fulltime, pay bills, and my car... its like there is not common denominator

consumed by stress
ellelee

i am not giving up on myself.. i am not giving up on you


love sent

elle

i am extremely upset.. i will talk you you folks.. sometime.. i guess


peace and love ellelee

where do you go when no one wants you

i am a flaming insecure person
sometimes it seems as though my package
pomotes otherwise..
you know the happy go lucky type..
when really i cry myself to sleep at night
asking myself
where do you go when no one wants you

my comfort zone is gone... i don't know where i stand .. people that supposedly love me hurt me more than people that don't.. and i am finding it hard to distinguish real vs. fake.. whatever..

man i don't want this to continue.. but i am finding family problems/shit that has been going on for the longest ruining my life... my relationships with other people..

there is alot of shit no one knows
shit i don't even want to remember
but it is killing me
i can't live like this anymore
i deserve more than to be called names, abused misused..

treated worse than you would treat a dog....

but i need to know where do you go when no one wants you..

where do you go when your comfort zone is destroyed
where do you go when you have nothing
not even a gaurenteed place to lay your head

where the fuck do you go
when you lost yourself

trying to put up with bullshit you never should have had to

where do you go when noone wants you
not even yourself

self control..

i let delusions
rest on my soul
and i think they are truth
so i hold this nine between my thighs
and contemplate
fate
and consequences
and i am always one to jump the
gun
so
before i pull the trigger




i love you
but do i love myself
enough to share it
like you need me to
all for you leaves me with none
and that isn't fair for either of us
and always question my stance
cause so far but so close
won't hold water
like a cup with a hole
when you need me beside you
to calm your fears
or the other way around
you said you would believe it
when you see it
but i am blind so how can i
judge this right
i said i have alot on my mind
and you understand this
but i can't express my feelings
like i should
i know i may seem distant
and
my travel agent
can't finance this thing for free
i need you to understand that i love you
but can i love you like you need to be loved
all the way up here?
i want to provide your needs
but to be truthful i don't have shit to give
besides my heart
and it is hurting so i am not even sure
if its enough
i am scared, and i want to be fair
i want be there when you need to be hugged.
and i don't want to give up on this thing
but i don't want to hurt you
so before it gets too messy
we need to talk

i lead such a boring life.. i don't know what to say, exept that i will be back

i feel as though i am having a midlife crisis.. i sure hope this isn't really my midlife crisis that would suck
its kinda hard living in this house right now.. my dads birthday was the other night, i went to say hello, and he told me to get out of his room..

lack of love.. whatever..

syol i am ok.. thanks for lookin' out... email me sometime hope everything is all gravy down south



on another note
.---------------------------------
how silly of me to be so full of you

georgia o'keeffes painting hangs above my head
to the right
and i see the overwhelming orange bloom
with black and green innards
in a frame
which does it no justice

it is painted so beautifully that i close my
eyes and imagine myself in the garden from which her muse came
marveling at its beauty, until someone comes and plucks it prematurely
to wither and dry before its time emitting a sour stench..
i open my eyes and see that the frame has a large crack
in it, and now i understand

i plant a garden around my stoop
and a vase filled with water adorns my table
and i change it everyday
but i sit outside to look at the flowers
because thats the poetry of things

two houses down a man hollars from his stoop
mr know it all if you ask him
but i prefer mr know it nothing
because i am listening to some instrumental
remake of a billie holiday tune, and he
tells me how he used to listen to buddy holly
all the time growing up
i smile and tell him its billie holiday, and he
continues with his ramblings

i am not a painter by trade,
but i do own canvas
and oil paints that i pull out on occasion
i painted two pictues
both 30 x 45
one consisting of an orange cirlcle the size of a baseball
the other was scribblings of black
my muse
art imitating life,
or
life imitating art
which ever suits your fancy

i took my paintings to the gallery
and
waited watched and chuckled to myself
they all gravitated towards the black one
claming that the one with the orange circle had too much negative space
criticing every brush stoke down to the way i signed my name in the corner
they asked my muse
my explanation of the orange being warm canceling out the white space
did no justice because they were too focused on the true negative energy contained within the
black piece
the title of my paintings were
peace and madness
and i relized how much
art really does imitate life
or vice versa
thats the poetry of things

i spaced myself away in a corner table
and people watched as psuedo-intellectual
conversations came within earshot, and
even moreso when they want you to hear the
words that they spit
"i was an athiest for 12 years but now
a devout christian," and she asked him to
elaborate him saying that he had a hard time
believing god was real, because he was not tangible
did not make her very happy
and she changed the subject

and i pondered that statement.. focusing on real and
and i wondered if there was anything that was really
real..
there are so many perceptions so who is to say
after all
thats the poetry of things

ahhhhhh man today was refreshing i made two ...count em... one two hats.. well skullies.. two different types..one is the pink one common is wearing and another is a v stitch.. ahhh man today was lovely... about to post a poem in a minute.. pictures of the two soon to come..


i feel great..

where is ms pheline? :(

my tv is like broken, and its not like i watch that much tv anyway, but i have been spending my time more wisely reading, making things.. thats good..

peace..

awwwwwww syol you are great, and the poem for rilya is beautiful.. for realla missy :)


hmm.. i had a wonderful probably long overdue conversation with someone yesterday, and it left me refreshed, because i never thought that there would be a connection there.. it was great we stood in the parking lot for like an hour and a half laughing (mostly at me) crying, me stomping my foot.. i do that when i get embarassed, or nervous or something like that.. and talking about just shit.. bidness :) man.. it was cool.. i found a voice of reason, and someone that is truely a good person.. well i already knew she was a good person, i just never knew that she cared like she did.. and that was good..

and then dood pulls up and gets out of the truck talking to us mid sentence he goes "you got a tongue ring.." adjusts his pants, and busts out with "you got skills" he was jokin' but um that shit gets really old, and is very disrespectful.. so shut up already. its like we know him but he really sucks.. old dood gets no love, so we continued talking..and he finally walked away

anyway.

i am about to go to the childrens center and see if they still need my help, i love kids

almost done with the pink kufi/skull cap/whatever i will post a pic when it is done, along with the one of common.. the pink kufi muse..

kyndra is like omigod he is wearing pink.. there isn't anything wrong with a dood wearing pink.. its kinda cute..

breaking down boundries..

i feel like bustin a move..

vogue

thanks to syol... i pulled out my for colored girls, and have been reading.. and re-reading.. and i thank onye for buying it for me on my wishlist :)

i have been thinking lately about worth... and what you put forth as opposed to what you expect back.. i have been pondering love..

"are you in, or you just do?" i am wondering if i am pulling people into a situation that i shouldn't, and what angle i should approach a decision/conversation to figure this stuff out

i am emotionally exausted... worn out

i wonder do i just do things sometimes just for the hell of it, or not for the hell of it, because i do what i feel, but sometimes i wonder is it the right time for that.. like can i honestly say that i am giving my all when i am being pulled 300 different directions... i wonder am i being fair in this.. i wonder how many boundries will placed before i say fuck it and knock them all down..

am i in or do i just do..

i do.. and i am falling in.. so with that said is the answer..

but in the process of doing, and being in, i find it hard because i don't want to hurt anyone, and from the onlookers standpoint its weird because though you cannot judge a book by its cover, my cover doesn't tell the story and may be inviting, but as the story is read and the book narrated, i can feel the hesitation, from the reader.. not only that.. i don't want to put people through shit i already have to deal with/have been dealing with forever, its like a broken record..

frustration rules me..
i didn't get to go to the interview at the childrens center, because my keys mysteriously disappeared off of the counter. people are really pissing me off in here..


ughhh why am i talking in code or something

i have no idea where to go from here..


i am tired of analyzing and over analyzing, and having to wonder what everyone is thinking, and trying to over compensate for their "missing thoughts" dood, why me

my sun sun says that i am a wonderful person, as she attempts to give me dap, i love her to life. my best friend is my great grandma.. i often looked for outside what was right here..

i have to leave for work in 30 minutes and i need to shower and wash my hair.. ughhh..

alrighty i'll be back in some hours..

the hat is finished..

and it was with that one dollar yarn.. lovely

yeah time for the v-stitch orange kufi.. passport yarn i think sport weight it was only a dollar as well picture soon to come :)

last night i stayed up as long as i could making a hat.. but i had cried so much earlier my eyes were heavy, and it just plain hurt to keep them open..

why do people talk to me anyway-theyfuckingfeellikeit.. why can't i recieve the same respect that i try to give to people.. i mean damn this shit can be reciprocated isn't that the whole point

when i get pissed i write like a damn depressed fool.. who cares.. i cry like a baby.. so what...i curse like a fucking sailor ..haha

he always points it out.. and i am like dood.. leave me alone..

fuck the fact that when you yell at me spit forms in the corners of your mouth.. and when you get extra pissed it hits me in my face, and i can taste it, and after damn near swallowing a whole bottle of listerene i am still breathing it and i choke it up.. you make me feel nasty. fuck that i am crying because in my time of need my words are silent but tears run free, and you find these things a weakness and i find comfort in my sun-sun/honey/sunny/sweetheart/grandmahmah (great-grandma) but i remember back when i turned 18 she told me that she was proud to see me turn 18 and that she may not make it to see me turn another year, so i make my way to her room and talk to her, now i am 21 and i am upset because we find comfort in the physical and i don't know what my stance would be if she were gone tomorrow and i needed someone to talk to.. i love you mamaand i am reading letters from those who promised never to leave, and forget me, but i haven't heard from them in mothes and the last time i did, it was me who made the call, wrote the letters, and used the gas, and no matter how much i know you are supposed to/need to find peace in self, its a struggle, and sometimes its nice to have someone there to talk to, who won't be judgemental, and is truely interested in your well being/who you be.. i feel alone.. fuck the fact that when you say you feel alone, people say that you are looking for pity or sympathy, .. when really its none of that.. i truly hurt deep. deeper than i can show you , because i smile wide, and laugh loud, and the times that they say i am distant, its when i get tired of the hoopla involved in making people happy/ or content with how they feel about me i just want to disappear and say fuck them with a big fat one, so i stop crowding them and go back into me.. and fuck all the fake people i invested way too much time in, now claiming that i am fake, but when they got a new friend they saw it fit to cut all ties.. and i still have the letter from one saying that she was so glad we became friends, "they need more people like us in the world, i am glad i met you.." then she starts throwing words like unique my way trying to disguise her disgust for self.. i can't help it that i am not made of carbon like yourself, and whenever you see it fit you run to me to pacify your hurts.. and i think to myself.. karma is a bitch and she exed your ass out of the equation.. lmao fuck you dood.. and fuck the fact that i used to love and i thought love was returned and it wasn't and love wasn't kind and peaceful like they say it is, it hurt and i hated it, and vowed never to do it, or never let it happen to me.. but its like i am slipping up, and i fell.. i am scared because everything ain't all that pretty and emotionally its exausting at times and i keep saying if at ever it gets too much please just tell me cause i would rather be told and i would understand because.. sometimes shit just doesn't work out as planned, and you need to get away.. but then i heard " thats were us having each other comes in" and i smiled wide because i wanted to love.. i want to love her and beyond all of this madness i don't want anything to taint it.. i mean i say i love you alot, and its real, cause it was something about you, that made me go all out, and lace the package with shit that would make you happy, and i care about you, and dood i love you, my friend before my girl..and shit like that..and i just got your email.. i love you too nee'nee'..

the only thing i can do for free is type on this thing.. i am going out or something..

gaaahh

the hair

somebody anybody tell me what to do with this pile of red hair.. i am so lost and the afro puffs with curly bangs are getting old.. the curly fro is like old and i am tired of washing everyday.. maybe braids

i was thinkin some singlanese(sp) twists or some type of twists.. i need a break..

sometimes i just feel like laying in my bed and falling asleep minding my own business..
its at those very moments that i feel peaceful

i don't like to be bothered alot of the times
in those moments i realize that i do have a truely antisocial side

sometimes i just get tired of smiling and i get tired of people asking me why i am not smiling
because i don't want to dammit-isn't that reason enough

have you ever slept so much that you were tired of sleeping.. i haven't

somebody take me away..ugh

i cannot wait until i start working at the day care i prefer kids over adults

i need to go back to school of course i am not going this semester.. i feel so shitty.. i used to want to go to the rochester institute of technology.. pipe dream.. i need money

i left my car doors unlocked..dammit

i wish i could express myself through spoken word.. like i am a fumbling ball of fuzz or something like that..

i want need to move..

i'm drowning..

my dad told me today that i need to meet a country boy and maybe he would take me away... or some shit like that
i just laughed at him.. what you don't know won't hurt you--YET

i have been "cleaning" my room, but now that i look at it, i have just been moving the junk around in circles.. its still junky.. i could probably move out now and furnish a small apartment..

i need money